He watches Porno blame me! cheats-but he is nice

I told my husband i did not want him to get a reflexology massage by a girl because I felt uncomfortable but he got a girl anyway. 10 years ago I found out he had cheated with masseuse in the past. After the massage I told him I was hurt because he does not respect my feelings we said: next time tell me it is an order or a command"!! I should have been more clear besides I needed to grow up and not be so immature. He added: "by the way, I've been watching porno since you don't give me any sex". We are down to once every 2 weeks. He started getting progesterone shots for "muscle recovering" because he is a cyclist and did not tell me. He does not see a problem in his behavior and usually ends up being mad at me for me getting TOO upset when I have to endure his indiscretions. We been married for 34 years. I caught him mast...even when dating. Hid books around the house during our first years. Sometimes masturbated in the shower right after we had sex. Over the years cheated and Blamed me because i did not give him enough sex. 1-2 a week no enough. Passion went down for me after several cheating episodes. We did it once a week up until about 3 years. He slapped me and has pushed me around in anger and that has really killed every thing in the last 3 years. I have become sick with pain in my body, auto immune disorder and menopause does not help. I am physically very attractive, always kept my figure, Have a degree, I am well traveled and good a public speaking. I have an art career that takes me traveling around the country, fame and glory but not really lot of money. He allows me all the freedom never is jealous or preoccupied about my whereabouts my success or my failures which always bothered me since I am always very in tuned with his happenings at his work and hobbies. No one knows my predicament my family thinks the world of him. Two sides too the story. I cheated on him and confessed and he send me to counseling o fix my problem. Then he found out again and hit me. I never did it again. Since then he has done it a couple of times because I make him soooo angry. Otherwise he is serene, easy going, not possessive, discipline, good provider I am a good invester and don't spend a lot of money. He is good and bad. I ne ed encouragement I am 56 even though I am courageous, outgoing I am terrified of staying here or leaving. I am afraid to divorce because I don't want to be alone but I am realizing that I have been alone all this time. Now that I have some serious health problems feel like I can't afford to divorce because of the medical expenses. We have 4 houses 10 cars investments etc. his 30 years pension but i don't know why I am so. I live in TX no alimony. afraid.:mad::confused:

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