Extremely long story, very few will read it, but pouring my heart out.

This will be two posts. Well, let me start by saying I'm eighteen - young, I know, with my whole life ahead of me but needless to say this struck me in ways I cannot explain; it's shaken me at my very foundation. February 20th, 2011 - the best day of my life; I was at a local music venue and I saw this GORGEOUS(...drop...dead...) Hispanic girl with her friend, just standing around. Now normally, I'm not too open about talking to girls but something about this one..just..struck me..it just drew me in. It just felt right, right there. I run up to them and start talking and eventually I and her friend are somewhere off talking and I tell him that "she's cute" which eventually he tells to her and she just..blushes and curdles, shy as she was. Well, I talk to her for a little while before I end up with my own friends again; I'm around the side of the building when she comes walking out from behind it, crying and visibly miserable. An ex had been bothering and ruining her night just out of spite so I walked up to her..not knowing her at all, really..and put my arm around her and just walked with her; comforted her. As the night goes on, I eventually get her number but find out she has a boyfriend, of just a few weeks, a basic high-school fling(although I had actually had genuine relationships prior to this point in time.) - only fifteen, such a young girl, although she's matured and blossomed into..an amazing young woman. I myself was only sixteen. I was just basically getting out of a relationship at the time and reminded her of that, although she figured I was still taken; the next day, I get a call from that same male friend of hers who talks to me because she was too shy and nervous to talk to me herself and he says that she wants me to come over to her house the next day, and I'm just..OKAY! He told me I wouldn't be able to go inside and etc. due to her parents and I just did not care. I didn't care if it was just five minutes. I needed to be with this girl, right then, right there. So, I get a friend to drive me out there and I see her and hang out with her and her friends(as well as boyfriend, whom she didn't pay much attention to..although he didn't pay much attention to her either. He was a geeky, nervous type to be honest.) and eventually after around 15-30 minutes I have to go as my friend gets bored so we leave, but I hug her and we keep talking. Two days later, we're talking on the phone and start hinting at the fact we both have crushes - we go through a silly game before stating that we can both clearly tell it's each other; we mention we'll clear up ourselves for each other and sure enough, we find ourselves together..............the best time of my life...I was her first sexually and her first real love..she always told me she wanted me to be the first and last, but..as we all know, that's often a fairy-tale. Our sexuality developed together too, we explored everything together - every interest, every desire. Month after month, we built our relationship and grew together, spending almost every day together after a while and loving each other and our time together, every minute of it. After about a year, I start to experience my own stress from my own mistakes in life - I started to feel lower self-esteem, angry all the time at myself. My own problems. However, regardless, as it had always been for us - no matter what we got ourselves into in terms of arguments or how mad we got at each other, we'd forgive and make up instantly. She'd always tell me she could never stay mad at me. If it was her who did something wrong, I'd always forgive her. We knew each other at our best and worst - and loved each other. Slowly I started to realize this girl was..everything; I'd cry a day without her sometimes. She brought back memories of the fantasies I had when I was so much younger of the girl I thought my dream girl; the idea I created in my head when I was young of my soulmate. She started to fit this, and I started to realize it - and I started to fit hers. We start to plan a future together - children, family, everything, and slowly we even start to change together as we grow, as anyone does, rather than growing apart. We had every detail matched. We'd spend almost everyday together, and we wouldn't even have to go on dates or go out to be happy together - we'd be just fine laying down and watching mediocre television, just holding each other all night. So much passion when we made love, we never not told each other that we loved each other when we did. Fast-forward to now..as she turned 18, she was confronted with the fact that she has to get a job (which she now has as of tomorrow, Mon-Fri, a tobacco factory, 12 hours a day..) in order to support her family due to the fact they have a sixth child on the way with only one person working - living in a mobile home. Her mother, for that matter, makes her do all the cleaning and even yardwork sometimes. A basic forced transition into adulthood, I suppose; to combine, things had been getting far worse in our relationship - constant arguments and tension, and I exploded at one point around her like I had never done before. I wasn't being what I should've been: her rock, the thing which comforted her..as I had been before, when she truly needed it more than ever..and I find it hard to forgive myself for that right now. I was a jerk, a stress, a problem. Why? My own problems were getting far worse - I was also 18, and turning 19 soon and facing my own limitations and shortcomings in life and had no idea what I was going to do. I still had to go to the community college to finish my courses so I could actually receive my diploma as I had dropped out. Slowly, it started to wear and tear at us...I had always feared she'd get fed up of my sh*t, for lack of a better word, but never thought it'd actually happen. Dumb, I know, and I know I sound like a jerk right now..I know. I deserve that. We were always honest with each other, regardless of what the truth is. and we had gotten through some pretty rough times. One point she even thought she wanted a break before, but we got through it and were happy together..and please..I knew our happiness was real. I recall her saying, just two or so months ago, "it just feels right. I can't see myself with anyone else, really. it just feels right" and we started to get eager about the idea of one day having a family. Last week..Monday; after that explosion I had mentioned, things had not been..the same. Eventually we spoke and she said it was just the worst it had ever been and she didn't know what to do, but that she'd get over it - I knew this was not true. Eventually, we were just laying there together in silence and I had to ask (because normally she'd always cheer up at this point, no matter what we had been through.) "..so are we ruined?" and she said, "what's the point? you're always unhappy and I can't make you happy." I remember saying what every douchebag in my position says and said "give me one last chance" and she responded with "I've given you so many chances." and eventually it came clear to me she had intents to leave. But every time I'd try to go out of my room to tell my grandmother that we had to take her home, she'd pull me back and tell me to just..hold her, sit with her, kiss her, and she'd tell me she loves me. At one point I just couldn't take it anymore and tried to leave and she pulled me back, turned me around and said she'd stay..looked me in the eyes and was crying and said she didn't know what she was thinking and held me tight, we held each other tight and kissed, and our day after that was actually..good. It seemed like the usual. She wanted a change - the constant arguments to stop and my temper to just slow down; all the stress and unhappiness. I knew that but wasn't completely sure of everything she wanted changed. Wednesday was an alright day, too, although I started to get stressed at the end of the day due to stuff going on with my family and it led her to worry. I, just as well, had been afraid ever since Monday. She'd stayed, yeah..but she came so close to leaving me that the fear stuck with me.

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