Ever walk down a long hallway full of people and feel completely isolated?

That's where I am this morning. Feeling isolated. I almost felt uncomfortable. I almost felt panic take over. I tried to change my train of thought with each passing person... what was their story? Could they tell by the way I was walking or my posture or the look on my face that I'm breaking inside? Could they see through me? I see these people every day, at work. And I've never wondered about their personal lives until now. Did they go straight home to their significant others? Did they cook out? Did they take their kid to a ball game? Did they watch TV after dinner, talk, and laugh? Did they fight? Did they sleep separately? Are they alcoholics, too? I've come to realize that being an alcoholic doesn't mean that one has to drink each day, beginning at 6 a.m. When you choose a drink, be it in a bottle or a can, over spending quality time with your family, you have a drinking problem. If you can go a week or even two without a drink and then binge, you have a drinking problem. When you respond to questions about why you feel the need to drink in the manner that you do by saying, "I'm a grown ass man. I don't have to answer to you or anybody else. I'm not hurting anyone!" then you have a drinking problem. If your drinking, even if only once a week causes a problem, you have a drinking problem. I can deny it all I want. But the man that I thought would be my husband one day is an alcoholic. And he's in denial. And it's killing our family. My problem lies in the fact that I'm not good at giving up on anyone but myself. I grew up with an addict mother. She's still an addict to this day. I promised myself for me and for my children that an addict wouldn't be an option for a future mate, after me and their dad's divorce. I thought I was keeping that promise. So today, I'm lost. I'm scattered. I slept in the bed with my youngest daughter last night. He drank until 1 a.m. I feel ashamed, when I think of my kids. How do they see him now? What do they think of me? My first Alanon meeting is at the end of this week. I'm scared yet hopeful. Hopeful for what... who? I'm not sure. Peace, maybe? Peace in knowing the decisions I'll soon make are the right ones for me and my children. Hope for him, that he sees what we see before he completely ruins his life whether we're a part of it or not. A happy ending, too. Isn't that what everyone wants? A happy ending?

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