My story - I'm confused, depressed and lonely. Looking for a friend.

This is quite a long story but its important for me to get it all down in words so both anyone who feels they can offer me advice or support knows the whole story. I am 24 years old, currently single, working little part time jobs but studying nutrition (and graduating this July if I pass my exams). It all started when I was 16 and met my first girlfriend. She was my first love, although when I think back now I don't tihnk I could fall for someone like her again. I'd never felt such an insanely powerful feeling in my life. I learnt what the meaning of 'love is blind' meant. I went insane for her and she did me. Unfortunately, and is common with these intense kind of relationships - it lasted only 6 months. She was anorexic and had many problems and I had my own - and she had to move away meaning we couldn't see each other anymore. This sent me into what, even to this day I still describe as the worst point of my life. I've never felt so low since then and it lasted a good 4 years. I spent a year in my room doing nothing but crying and listening to sad songs. I went on anti depressants, psychotherapy, counceling, anti anxiety medications, hypnosis... everything you can think of. I was doing my AS levels when I realised I didn't feel I wanted to continue with an academic career - a choice I feel was influenced by my depression at the time - and chose to continue with my musical career (I played guitar). A few months after this happened I met another girl from TSR. We chatted, and opened up together about things that we never had with anyone else before. We ended up chatting for hours, into the early hours of the morning, and phoning each other, crying to each other, talking about our lives. Once again, we fell in love. She also was anorexic, and I obviously had issues, and this didn't last. She started coming on once every 3-4 days to talk, and I'd ask why and she'd give no real reason. I assumed she didn't like me the way I liked her. However, after I left she got really upset, and would phone me telling me how much she loved me and needed me. She'd say she was simply very busy. It's hard to explain how we could feel so strongly when we never met in person but we did - so just try to accept that. After we stoppd talking, I felt I couldn't care about things as much anymore. I'd lost two girls that I honestly fell in love with (maybe I fall in love too easily!?). I had no social life (and still don't), and spent all my time on my PC - as a result losing all my social confidence. After a year went by I joined a music college to pursue my childhood dream of being a professional musician. I found it very hard to make friends, although I did make some. I found it extremely difficult and would go home crying for pretty much the entire first year I was there. During my two years at this college my confidence did improve socially, and my social life did a bit, but still I'd spend most of my time on my PC on facebook or something as thats where I felt most comfortable - the rest of the world was constantly pushing my boundaires so it was my own escape. During this depression I developed ulcerative colitis - which myself and the doctors thought was triggered by the intense stress I was under. I met a second girl online in this time from America. Once again, I fell in love, and she did me. Again, to a point that I'd say is almost unhealthy. However, this time it lasted and I ended up flying to America (despite all my insecurities) to see her and to confirm what we had between us. And it was true. Meeting her was one of the best moments of my life. We actually cried together in the airport as we held each other. For the next five years we'd see each other, she'd fly here for 6 months of the year and work the other 6 months saving money, and I'd fly there as much as I could too (I was studying so it was a bit harder). After finishing my music diploma I realised there was no money in the industry and it was hard to make a good wage so I decided to follow another interest I had developed, nutrition. I got into nutrition because I had managed to put my disease, ulcerative colitis into remission with diet alone, to the amazement of all the doctors. So I enrolled in another college and started my 4 year journey which I finish in a few months. I should say that I came out of the depths of the depression I was in about 2 years ago now, but still have it mildly. A year ago, I found out this girlfriend of mine had cheated on me. She denied it for a long time, then admitted it but blamed it on me . I then found out she had done it about 8 times. She then told me ''I'm going to see other men, and if you can't handle it then leave''. I loved her, so foolishly I stayed with her and supported her saying ''It hurts me but if it makes you happy Ill support you''... for another 3 months before realising I needed to respect myself and leave. I will most likely never see her again now - and I do still love her. Not what she did, but her as a person. Around the same time I found out she cheated I was studying and needed to get out, so one night I drove to a quiet place in the city I was studying to be alone. I found another girl there, it was 9pm. Guess who it was? The girl from TSR! This was the first time we met, and we ended up holding each other in the silence in the car park for about 20 minutes before cuddling under the stars until about 2am. We then saw each other for the next 9 weeks before I found out she was lying about being single - she had a boyfriend. This destroyed me. Not just a bit, completely. We stoppd talking and I only just recently got back in contact with her. She maturely apologised and is now being open about everything. She's a very shy girl, even finds it hard to talk on the phone and microphone but with me she keeps seemingly pushing herself. Each time we talk online she will make the effort to tell me on microphone that she loves me. At my birthday she snet me a long card and message tellign em how much she loved me. However, one thing still confuses me. Just like all those years ago when she'd only appear once a week to talk - she does the same now. I ask her about it and she says the same thing, that she's still very busy. She is, she's studying medicine but I tihnk ''if she truely loved me, why is it so difficult talking more?''. She does have issues with her family. As I said, she had anorexia when younger and her dad left them when she was 10 which destroyed her at a young age (so she tells me). And then also I think - if she loved me, then why aren't we together. I'm second best. I have asked her that very question and her response (which i trust) is... "I've just been with him for ages and we have a house, I am terrified of the consequences if I leave him and how it might effect me emotinoally and my studies''. I asked ''do you love him?'' and she said she doesnt know. I think she's being honest, but it leaves me not knowing what to do! I feel so lost. I love her like I did when I first met her - and I don't want to throw all of these insecurities on her so thats why I'm asking advice on here. We have this strange thing going on together which is wrong (becasue she has a boyfriend) but feels so perfect at the same time and unlike anything else. I will ask her sometimes ''will we ever be together?'' and she will say she hopes so and when she finishes her course she hopes to have more strength to stand up for herself on her own two feet without needing others to hold her up (what she feels her bf does). I soemtimes also wonder whether she just says she loves me beacuse she's afraid of losing someone that likes her, like she lost her dad - and maybe that would explain why she says those thigns but her actions dont speak the same? I've also realised that once again, nutrition has very little money in it and is also reliant on a self employed basis. So here I am, at a very strange place in my life. What I want more than anything is a girl that honestly loves me, and for me to love her... but at the same time I'm not sure thats what I need.. it's just what I want. If I could chose any? I'd have this girl Im talking about. I can't help loving her. I know it's stupid maybe that I do but I do. I dont try to cling to her. I feel I need to get out of the place I'm living as well. Im still with my parents. So my course of action thus far is to go travelling in September for three months, start an access to HE diploma and apply for uni (Im thinking the UWE) for the following september to study psychology. This will get me away from parents and ill be forced into a very social atmosphere, something ill find very difficult but at the same time rewarding in the long run for my own personal growth I feel. I have no confidence in my social abilities or my looks AT ALL. As I said, what I want more than anything is love- to be loved and to love. The only person in my life I feel I have this with at the moment is this girl that I keep talking about, but it's bitter sweet because she's with someone else and I don't know what to do! Also, to go travelling (which I feel woul dbe good to help detox my mind a bit) is going to cost a lot which means Im going to have to get another job (which Im currently searching for) whilst trying to juggle my studies etc alng side it. It will also mean I'd have to get a weekend job whilst at uni - which I dont like the sound of but at the same time I feel would benefit me. I'd get out of my head more so to speak. So summing this up, I guess I'd like your comments, suggests, advice on this whole thing. What do you think is this girls agenda? Bare in mind, each time I do start to leave or pull away, she gets very distressed and will push her own boundaries and ask to meet up in person. We still do see each other in person but its very occasionaly, once every few months - we'll meet up and cuddle. The last time was in October. We held each other and she looked into my eyes and told me she loved me... not once, but twice. I could tell she meant it.... so I do not doubt she feels that way - it's just a confusing situation which leaves me wanting her so badly, yet not knowing what to do. I want her, but can't have her (yet - as she says). And do you think my travelling/work/uni plan will help with my complete lack of self esteem and confidence? - I have zero confidence with girls. Everytime a girl talks to me I clam up and reply in very short sentences, with no emotion or expression because i get so tense. It's not like that with the girl I've been talking about but 99% of them I am that way. I'm hoping that university will help me relax and possibly even find a girlfriend if things don't work out with me and the other girl (although to think that they might not tears me apart). I feel very lost. I feel very alone. Tears are filling up my eyes when I write this. I feel I'm just going to get responses telling me how Im not ready for a relationship etc. I know I'm not ready - although I dont feel I was in the past when I had a 5 year one with a girl so maybe I am? What am I asking for? Really, I'd just like a friend - someone that honestly would like to get to know me...maybe talk on skype, share our lives together. That would mean such a lot to me at this point in my life. I am currently not on anti depressants although should be. I tried to go back on them two months ago, took them for a month then stopped as I felt a lot better, but obviously this was the drug making me feel better and since have slipped into a depression again. I sometimes wonder whether my anxiety/depression is related to my inflamatory bowel disease as I've read many theories and studies which point to a link- and many people with IBD do suffer from these things. I also wonder whether I have some form of attachment disorder (which I sometimes also aassume the girl I keep talking about may have due to her dad leaving). Anyway, your help and answers to my questions would be greatly appreciated. And thankyou so much if you've taken the time to read all of this.

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