looking for a way to survive

I will make this as short as possible. Three years ago my husband made plans to visit an old friend he had been searching for for years and had recently found. I bought new clothes, packed his bags and sent him on his way. OOOps. He actually went to see his old fiance ( 23 years past), spent 6 days with her, went to a condo, spent time with her family, and visited an old friend and his wife with her. He had an affair, to which it took 9 months before I finally got the truth that it had been physical. I was lied to, called names, made the "bad" guy in our marriage, and I didn't suspect a thing. He has said many times that this is where he wants to be, he does not have contact with her anymore. But.......... Every night when I go to bed with him I wonder if he did this with her or if she did that, I question why he does or does not do things that he used to. I watch tv and see a movie or a show and in it someone had an affair or reconnected with an old love and it's right there in my face again. She used the term "soulmate" to describe her feelings toward him, makes me ill. I did but do not have contact with her. He lied to her about me and to me about her. But it's been three years, I just cannot keep reliving this over and over. How do you make it stop? I honestly can tell you that it hurts just as bad today as the day I realized it was happening, only then I had the burden of discovery, the hunt to get proof, now I have a reflection in my mirror that I don't know. I went to counseling, found out that I could stand up on my own, but I didn't want that. I want to enjoy my marriage. I want to want to go to bed with my husband, I want to forgive his indiscretion, I want to sit on my porch and grow old with him. I have read, listened, talked, followed advice, done everything I can think of to do. But still every night when I crawl into bed, there it is again. How can I put it away?

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