Lies

In light of my recent marital situation, I have been thinking a TON about lies and the damage that occurs from them...even if the person apologizes, admits to them, etc. My husband is a liar. Despite his reasoning for them (to keep out of trouble, to not hurt my feelings, to avoid the real issue), I cannot forget these lies. I search myself wondering if anything could EVER work out between us and it always comes back to the lies. The first time he left, I was sympathetic. I listened to him and took notes on his needs and wants. I was fine at that time (in the sense that my needs and wants were being met) so I figured I could step up because I knew I was being a shrew...this much I admitted. He said he never wanted to get married, he didn't love me, etc, etc...I thoguht it was just his pain talking. Fast forward 2 years and again, the same speech. Although THIS TIME, i have been working on myself for 2 years. Setting boundaries, knowing myself, getting in touch with my core and finding my center. His words THIS TIME didn't cut at deeply, but I got to thinking---- Maybe I didn't truly let my guard down when he moved back in....even though I thought i have. I do not trust him. He says things...he does things....and I always smile, wondering the motive behind them. His words don't reach me anymore...as I have learned to deflect them. I am so sick of liars. My father was a good one. The men I've been with have all been liars. "I love you!" one day and the next "I just said that to make you happy." And the SNEAKINESS! omg. Lying about how much something costs, lying about how much he's drinking (hiding beer in the garage, etc).... Dear god. So...i truly don't believe a liar KNOWS the damage the lies do...for whatever reason. I didn't really believe how IMPORTANT trust is to a relationship UNTIL NOW. That's why it's dead. That's why I cannot give it another chance. I know myself. I know my boundaries. I KNOW that I could never trust him again and that is NOT a marriage. I dunno. Just thoughts. I hate this feeling of distrust. Not just for HIM but for most people at this time. What is crazy is that I truly FELT LOVED by him so I never really cared about the words that he'd say. Until now. I dunno...just a mind eff for me. ALWAYS speak your truth. the Truth stings, but it doesn't cut NEARLY AS DEEP as a godam lie. I don't care WHAT the reason is behind the lie.

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