Another new user, another sorry tale

Hi everyone. Newbie here with a story that contains all the elements you have seen before...just looking for different opinions and advice, particulaqrly from female members who can give the wife's perspective on this. To keep it as brief as possible.... Married 17 years, 2 kids 15 and 13.. Neer been hugely close as we're both quite reserved people, a little closed off emotionally. Both been trying to change that. As part of that my W said that she wanted to start going out more, developing other friendships. We're not really very sociable and don't hve many friends as a couple or individually That was back in Oct/early November. She joined a group for people who just wanted to meet a broader social circle in our city. I wanted to give here the space, so never really asked (hello Nice Guy syndrome!!) but very quickly she started being very guarded about her phone and spending a lot of time texting - often checking as soon as she wakes up in teh morning. I've also found out that she put a messenger programme on her iPhone (so that it bypasses the text function - WhatsApp I think its called) and set up a secret Gmail account. I also know that she has been in communication with some people (men and women) who she has never mentioned to me. Meantime, she was being more and more closed off to me emotionally, but I figure (like many on here) that I'm giving her the time and space t hat she needs. I don't know for sure (I don't have access to her phone or her email accounts) but I am pretty convinced that she both had/is having an EA and that she has found a group of cheerleading friends who are a lot of fun, great shoulders to cry on and are probably cheerleaders who are supporting her in "liberating herself and going after what she needs, doing things for herself for once, etc." - i.e. leaving me. It all came to a head about 2 or 3 weeks ago. She had been out every night that week (except one night when I was out at a church group). At least one of those nights she had dinner with a man, but she claims it was just friendly. All weekend I kept asking her what was wrong, what she was up to, etc. On the Sunday evening I finally said that to many people it would look like she was having an affair and that I was hurt by all the secrecy. She claimed that that moment made up her mind and she said she wanted to leave the marriage. She said "don't even try to make me go to counselling, and don't try to win me back! It's over". For about the next 10 days it seemed tht that was just about all that she could say "don't try to change my mind" like a broken record. Also very suspicious that I was out to screw her over divorce. She has been to see a lawyer (we are not in the US) and started talking about the mechanics of divorce. Very calm conversation, but she finally realised that what I have been saying all along is true - we don't have a lot besides teh house and she will get a nice place to live for her and the kids and I will get whatever little is left (housing is very expensive in our city, so I really will be living in a dump compared to our nice family home). This upset her, and I saw the softer side of her for the first time in months. I comforted her. Having been a bit more emotinoal with each other, I took a chance yesterday and told her that I thought that I could meet her needs. I said I had changed (which I have, partly as a result of this - finally realised that I am a really good guy with a lot to offer, whereas before I saw myself as a bit inadequate as a person). She took this warmly and seemed pleased, but 14 hours later she came back from work and just said coldly "I can't do it" and shrugged. Clearly hadn't given it a lot of thought, and I suspect has been asking her cheerleading friends who all said "don't be weak! don't go back to him". She has been reading "feel the fear and do it anyway" over the past few months and she is a very determined person. I think she feels that she has made a decision and will be letting herself down if she doesn't go through with it. It hasn't been a great marriage to date (we have both been a bit emotionally anal up until now) but given that I now feel really ready to love someone (whether her or someone else) I think it could be a great marriage. Might just be too little too late though. One other thing. The week before our conversation, the week that she went out every night, she got up at 2am and resigned from her social group and deleted her secret GMail account (since opened others, i am sure). My guess is that her EA ended, and that she blamed me. She glimpsed a little fantasy of how wonderful and alive life might be and it was taken away from her. Reality hurts, and I was the easiest thing to blame. Up until now I have tried to be strong and cheerful but remain open to her. Not so sure now - I am angry and ready to call her on her behaviour. I don't want the marriage to end but have found out how strong I am. Thoughts?

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