| Sorry for the long post - I don't really know where to ask this as I cant find much help online for my situation which is unusual. I am in my early 30s, attractive, married to a man with paranoid schizophrenia, who looks after himself as well as could be hoped, but the illness is very debilitating and it's symptoms still take a toll on our marriage daily. Sometimes I feel more like his caregiver and counsellor than his wife. BTW, H is NOT violent, he's a very passive/depressive person. I love my husband dearly, but our sex life is now in serious decline. The first 4 years of marriage we had a great sex life. We got married for all the right reasons and have things in common, there's so much love there. I tried really hard to educate myself about his illness so I could best cope with the challenges we would face. But the last 3 years, after going through a lot together, he seems to have lost all interest in me physically outside of the actual bedclothes, which has really affected my self esteem. So virtually no touch or affection anymore. His medication sedates him, add that to his sexual hang-ups and it means there can be no spontaneous sex in our life. Occasionally we still have great sex, maybe once every couple of months, but otherwise its down to once every couple of weeks, very boring routine sex and I hardly orgasm any more, just want to get it over and done with. I get the feeling he's feeling inadequate from all this, which reduces his desire further. I still look at my husband and see him as very handsome, but I've lost all sexual attraction to him slowly and I guess its through being everything to him as he is socially isolated and anxious. We cant go out on dates as he gets paranoid socially. He has never been overly demonstrative, nor adventurous in bed, always lights out unless I get him drunk which I hate doing. I have a high sex drive and having just lost 20 pounds recently I feel great and sexy, like myself again, and I really want to get his eyes on me and restore some passion. I have cried myself sick about this when he is not around. I tried raising the issue, but he wont talk about it, saying our sex life is fine, so he wont talk to his doctors about it. He's really insecure, so I am trying to be delicate in addressing the problem, but its driving me crazy. So then I did something really stupid and had a brief (as in two nights) PA with a very attractive friend of mine from my gym. The sex was amazing because he made me feel so beautiful and like a normal woman again. He's also so far been very discreet and treats me no differently, but I know the lid could get blown on my indiscretion at some point, we live in a small town. I feel terribly guilty, because I know I didn't really want that kind of attention and lust from anyone but my husband, but someone else was offering it and I snapped like a fish at bait. So basically I've destroyed my marriage if that ever gets out, and a part of me almost wishes my marriage would end so I can have a normal life again. I feel cruel and extremely selfish. I truly meant my wedding vows. I also know that a separation or telling him about the affair would send my husband into hospital, he simply couldn't take it. So I guess my question is, is there anything can I do to try and save my marriage at this point? Any mental health professionals (with satisfying sex lives) on here to advise? And I already know I'm a horrible person for resenting my poor ill husband and then playing away, so there's no need to give me a roasting on that score. :( Thanks. | |||
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