| Hey everyone, I'm new here. I came here because I am very unsure of how to proceed with my man troubles! I'm currently in a 10 month relationship with a 32 year old. I'm fortunately in the position where we've been dating long enough that I can see the real him and still love him anyway, so I will describe him as accurately as I can without letting any frustrations slip in. He's a teacher, introverted to the point of seeming to use it as an excuse, often pretends to be naive to get out of "trouble." (we often have the argument where he argues if he forgets or didn't know or didn't mean to, then he isn't responsible for the outcomes; whereas I argue that if you break a glass in a store, it doesn't matter if you meant to, you are responsible for paying for it). Very forgetful, but it's come out before that he pretends to forget when he doesn't want to do something sometimes. He tends to be late for things that are my idea (like, hours late, which I call him on and he has admitted to). He is known to be this way with all of his friends, not just relationships. So while earlier on I took this very, very personally that he didn't love me and whatnot, I have seen that he treats even his own family this way. It's just him. This is also while I know that as much as I love him, I can't marry into that kind of selfishness, but I'm not going to worry about that for a long while. A major issue we have had is bailing. I am reliable and while much busier than he is with school and work and friends, I have almost always been on time and give as much notice as possible when I have to cancel, which is rare. For me, this comes from a place of respect for other people and how I was raised. I simply don't ever want to disrespect someone by making them sit and wait on me while wondering if I've forgotten about them. It feels degrading to be forgotten. It makes you feel like a real sucker, which he makes me feel like more often than a self-respecting girl would like to admit. I run a little late sometimes like everyone, and if its less than half an hour I don't usually fuss. About 4 months into the relationship, give or take, bailing got more frequent. His friends when I first met them ALL joked that he bails on them all the time (arrives late, leaves early, or doesn't show). I laughed and was so baffled. He had never bailed on me or been late except a couple times up until that point (he later said it isn't a realistic expectation for him to be on time either, he was just being good since we were new, I told him to find another girlfriend and he has been on time mostly since). I now see what they meant. He has the unbelievably disrespectful (at least how I perceive it) habit of saying he will be over or come back after doing something, then not coming by, and not notifying me that he can't come by until hours after. He will say he will be over in 2 hours, 6 hours later he does not apologize but informs me that he just had to take a nap and just woke up. Naturally, I'm wondering why the hell I couldn't be texted when he realized he needed a nap a nd lied down. That for example was a few days ago. Last night, a guy friend of his came back into town and they watched a movie together. I had to work very early and he assured me he would be over by 10:30 so we could hang before I had to sleep. This hang out was HIS idea. At 10:30 I asked if he was still coming by. He replied 'still watching the movie. Be over when its done.' at 12:45am I finally said "ok...." to which he replied, at 1:45am, "I'm sorry, I went home to get some sleep. Hope you are asleep. Love you and see you tomorrow night! xoxo" (our plans tonight were to go watch movies with one of his friend's and his wife. No way in hell will I be attending). I did not reply. I was infuriated. and no, I wasn't asleep. I was so upset and angry that I was being disrespected that way that there's no way I could've slept. Then I was so angry that I couldn't fall asleep after that! I was tossing and turning angrily almost the entire night. Then I woke up and worked an 8 hour shift. He does this so constantly and it seems like he was raised for this being OK. To me, I was raised that this is so rude, and with me and all of his friends telling him how rude it is, I have no idea how he thinks it's normal and that everyone else is uptight and crazy. I accept that this is how he has chosen to behave right now. I know that people will treat you as badly as you let them, so I am reaching out and asking my big question: HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS BEHAVIOR? These are the only options I feel like I have: 1. My first reaction is to let him know of my anger. But having dealt with him and his massive inability to have even calm discussions without flipping out (he calls serious conversations "fights" even when no name calling or yelling is ever involved), when I am angry or offended he gets passive aggressive, defensive, and changes his mind about things he previously understood and feelings he validated (which then become 'I don't see why this upset you!'). I want to scream out, "This is unacceptable, you are allowed to cancel but you can't yank me around and leave me waiting for you ALL night long and then bail and not even tell me until way after!" But he would act like a child. Even if I let him know my anger in the most calm, loving way, he responds that defensive and passive aggressive. I am generally very good at conveying my feelings, but he walls up and acts like a child so it doesn't matter what I say. I've tried this every way I know of. 2. Another option would be act okay with it, go out with him tonight, and thus give him permission to treat me like this again and again. I would die before I'd ever do that, so this one is out. 3. Ignore him. Become unavailable to him. This is the option I've gone with so far, I haven't responded to him and I do not intend to. When he touches base about picking me up for tonight, I honestly don't even want to reply. I'd be okay with him coming by and knocking on my door or being late for his plans hoping I might respond, also. I made other plans that he will be unaware of. I feel so degraded and disrespected just for counting on his word that I want to pull the rug out from under him to wake him up. I do not feel like option #3 is the most adult thing to do. Not at all. What is natural to me is to immediately say hey, that hurts, that's disrespectful, don't do that to me. His past behavior has made it clear I am not allowed that option any longer. Thus, I do feel like option #3 is my only real choice to send the message that this is not to be tolerated. However, I am hoping I am overlooking an option. I would really appreciate some feedback. Preferably not about whether I should date him at all, but really I am seeking feedback about how to deal with someone who disrespects you in this way and is so downright high maintenance about conflict. | |||
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