| My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild. I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse. Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents. During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract. Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband. In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA. I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things. After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path. I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend". We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time. But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s. In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years. Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011). But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW. He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again. In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc). Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation. He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk) He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend". I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative. Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future. I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me. I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88. I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more. One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me. For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me). I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome. I would welcome any advice on what to do. Thank you for reading this. | |||
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