Relationship is in a pickle

I'm 32, wife is 29. We've been together for almost 12 years and got married in 2008. We have a four month old son. When we got together I had a lot of debt, which I didn't tell her about. So over the years as debts have caught up with me she's found out about them and gone mad. We've paid them all off now but I still lied and kept them all from her. Then more recently I messed up accounts with my business, got behind and never paid any taxes. I received fines and had to pay them. That was about 8 month ago. But again, I had all these issues and never told her about them. We sorted these issues and I went to see a counseller to help to stop me telling lies, which I think has worked. About 8 year or so ago I was talking to a girl on MSN that I worked with, just generally banter (I saw her more as one of the lads), she asked if I wanted a threesome (not with her, just generally I think), I replied yes. My wife found the messages and went nuts. We got over that but it's still brought up regularly to this day. Before I got with my wife, I had a few ex girlfriends, one of which I met when I was 19 and was with for 2.5 years, she was my first real girlfriend. She cheated on me and we split up. I severed all contact with the ex. However, for the last 7 years I've kept in contact with the ex girlfriend, the odd facebook message and I've met her twice. Once 1.5 years ago, and another about 6.5 years ago. Both times for about half an and both times in a public place. Again, I didn't tell me wife about any of this, I suppose mainly because I knew she'd react really badly, but I did it anyway. At the weekend the wife found the messages on my facebook account. She's read them a million times and there's nothing in them to suggest it was any more than just chatting. She went absolutely balistic, we stayed up all night arguing, and I spent the following night in a hotel room. She absolutely hates mate with a passion now, and simply can't understand why I did it, why did I choose the ex over her? If it was so innocent why didn't I tell her? She thinks our whole relationship has been a lie, and she's not sure she'll ever get over it. I went back home on tuesday, at times we're getting on ok, and we've made fantastic love twice. But for the most part we seem to be going over things over and over again. So at times I'm getting the impression we're going to work things out, at other times I'm getting the impression she wants to kill me or kick me out. The thing is, I know I've hurt her and lied to her, and the reason I tell lies is through fear of 'getting wrong' or her leaving me. But I can't help but think that's she's overreacting here? I've not cheated on her, or been with another woman, and I've never had any intension of wanting to. I'm being told today that because we've got a 4 month old she's not in a position to leave, but from now on she's going to concentrate on herself and put me second, just like I've put her second for all these years. I really feel like she's making me pay, and she's telling friends and family and making feel really ashamed of myself. I feel that even if we do work things out, as soon as someone comes along that shows her some attention she's going to be off with that person. I suppose the point of my post is, is she over reacting? What is she can't let any of this go? I'm going to live in fear of her going with someone else just to get back at me? I really want to try and work things out, but if I left tonight I really don't think she'd be bothered, which leaves me in a position where I'm working my arse off to try and make it up to her, but she's putting constant obsticles in the way to stop me from doing it, like she wants me to fail. She's checking my facebook daily, all my emails, my work computers history, home computer history, my mobile phone and ipad, and today she's gone through all my phone bills. She keeps logging into facebook and re-reading the messages between me and the ex, like she's looking for something else to pull me up on. I just don't know if what I've done is really as bad as she thinks and as bad as I'm made to feel about it all. I really feel I should be at her bek and call, jumping through hoops and wiping her bum for her should I ask. On the other hand, we've had times over the last few days where we've made love and we've had normal conversations, which in a way leads me to believe it can work out. I'm so confused about it all. She's told her father about it all, and he's telling her to stop looking for things to pull me up on, that's its done now, forget about it and try to move forward, but so far she can't, and she keeps telling me she doesn't think she's going to be able to move on from this. What on earth am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? Does what I did warrant this?

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