Hi guys,
Please move this to Friends, family and work, if necessary!
I don't post on here much and I mostly just read the forums, however there's something I've been meaning to get an opinion on from more people than just my friends (who are pretty good at giving positive support)... and it's something that's been bothering me for a while and I'm sure it bothers many people on here too.
Also I've probably made up for all the posts I haven't made with this one :$... but please, hear me out; or for those who can't:
TL;DR: The way I see how my dad sees it - I should be in a 'better' place in life because everyone else is and always has been, bisexuality (I am) is not 'believable' and I treat people 'the same way I treat my parents' (which has therefore prevented me from 'having someone'). Advice, thoughts, suggestions?
And what I mean by the 'it' is the part of life where you've been to uni', graduated, and are living back home, and have been for so long that it has returned almost to the norm, but you've obviously grown up a little and are trying to put some effort in to moving on with life - and moving out(!) - in between holding on to your youth through the denial of adulthood which materialises as not feeling guilty about doing nothing all day, binge drinking on weekends and attempting to be carefree before crapping yourself that everything might still go t*ts-up.
I'm sure that's the situation for many, and that's not the part I have queries over since I'm making progress; albeit slowly - I have an interview for a proper(ish) job the week after next. It's mostly the current situation I am in where I'm someone attempting to find their wings (let alone spread them) whilst putting up with parents who - not intentionally by all means - either don't understand my situation or are stifling it in one way or another... also not unusual by any means of course.
Just a bit of context: I graduated in 2013 from the University of Essex with a 2:1 in English Literature, and I'm currently looking for a permanent job to replace my zero-hour contract which I've had since I started Uni, and which has been the most unreliable ever since the start of this year where I've only worked a few days so far. The interview is for one of six permanent jobs I've applied for at the same company where I have a zero-hour contract. However at the moment I'm also doing a TEFL course as in May I'm doing a TEFL internship until July - paid for mainly by FluCamp which I did earlier this year, which itself meant I had turn down a contract for work.
I plan on working to actually save up for an MA (in journalism/conflict/human rights) which I'll do in 2016, at which point I'll hopefully finally move out for good. Around my zero-hour contract I also went to Zimbabwe for three months last year on an ICS volunteering scheme which has inspired me to look at going into activism/development jobs.
My parents both went straight from education (higher or not) into a job that they knew they wanted from day dot. They also met when they were 18 and the rest is history.
Anyways, enough of the preamble! In particular, it's more my dad who I have 'issues' with as opposed to my mum who is much more communicative and therefore understanding most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I care about him and love him the way most sons love dads who have always stuck around and supported them; but basically, I often get compared to people who are 'in a better position' than myself in life or at x part of my life. Whenever the discussion arises I'm always being compared to my sister who's much more of a bookworm than social butterfly and has always done better than me academically.
I hated A-levels and made that clear at the time whereas my sister plodded on relentless and got better grades than me - in spite of my Dad telling her she 'did too much' versus me who 'was the opposite' (and she ended up at a University which remains fairly close to mine on the league tables, btw). I've also been compared to people at my dad's work (he's an Aeronautical Engineer) who he's training as apprentices - and yet he's repeatedly told me not to go into engineering as it's a 'mugs' game.' Personally, I couldn't care less how my sister did at school, because I love her all the same, so I obviously don't let his comparisons come between my and her relationship.
Equally, I don't want to go into engineering, I wan't to do something in media/writing/journalism/activism/charity, also I was told the other day at the place where I volunteer that it was 'refreshing to hear' that I 'know what I want to do with my life' - which itself was refreshing to hear. :o
That's superficial compared to what else: I'm bisexual, which is a fairly recent 'revelation' (I was distracted by one particular girl for over two years, for example, though I haven't actually had a proper girlfriend for years and never a boyfriend). My dad, being 54, has the view that people who aren't straight 'shouldn't promote homosexuality' and that 'it's a choice' despite also recently citing it's due to a 'lack of testosterone' - to which I made my less ignorant objections clear.
This has dissuaded me from coming out to my family, though I have had noteworthy interactions with the same sex.
After a recent discussion that arose out of me saying something along the lines of 'I don't get enough sleep,' which was also in the wake of the fairly heated 'debate' following his comments on the promoting of homosexuality, it transpired that working under pressure (with looming deadlines - something I do sometimes because it, erm, motivates me) does not amount to 'being motivated,' but that 'reading around the subject' constitutes the definition of 'being motivated.' In that desperate calamitous reach for a logical argument he also got one up on me because he has always called me out at school for not 'reading around the subject.'
Finally, what has encouraged me to write this post is something I heard tonight - and oh how it is to be a fly on the wall - my parents were talking "privately" as I was stalling in the kitchen on my way upstairs, clearly quietly enough for them to think I was out of ear shot.
On talking about my sister and her boyfriend, who is my age and in finance/property in The City in a very generously paying job (several more means by which to compare my life), he exclaimed to Mum that (paraphrasing) 'I don't have anyone because if I treat girls the same way I treat my parents (presumably arguing, having differing "wrong" views on sexuality, not being helpful in what I reveal about my life etc. etc.), then it's understandable...' which doesn't need justifying...
Other than I'm not trying to sleep with my parents and having friends (and by extension 'someone') is a mutual reciprocal relationship compared to that which people have with their parents, I also don't have many middle-aged friends... Luckily the friends I do have I get on well with; also, they positively couldn't care less about my sexuality or academic "failures," and even invite me to go on holiday with them, so perhaps there's that too.
On talking to my mum alone about some of the above (it truly burdens me that I can't/won't tell her everything, because she cares so much), she claims that my dad acts the way he does around me sometimes 'because he worries,' which I can understand but I've said that it isn't constructive and won't help the situation about which he worries... and in the same vein perhaps that's the reason I 'behave' the way I do around my parents, or rather, my Dad...
Wow - I've written an essay-worthy post!
Really sorry for the post of epic proportions guys but I wanted to provide as much background as possible. I hope I have!
Any thoughts, tips or advice? I can cope with the situation obviously as I have friends who support me and a mum who supports me when she can/when she isn't around Dad to 'contradict' him, and then there's the binge drinking on weekends (a coping method depending on who you ask!) What do you think I could do to make the situation better and more harmonious for everyone, bearing in mind I'll be living at home for at least another year and a half, reluctantly?
I look forward to your comments - I will read them all - and buy a beer for the person who writes the best one!Cheers!
Michael.
Put the internet to work for you.
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