When I was younger, as a teenager I was living a great life.
I had great friends, i was popular, I loved to make people happy using my own weird sense of humour.
I had quite a few different girlfriends, I was a musician in a band, played guitar, sometimes would whip it out at parties and get everyone singing. I was good in school so I did well in my exams, was looking at getting really good grades, in A-level i got 3 A*'s, I honestly had everything I think anyone my age could ever want but I carried with me, a problem, a dark cloud which as I've gotten older and older has gotten worse and worse; I'd suffered from serious depression.
Without going too deep into this, I've been throughout my life, seriously abused emotionally by my mother, now I can't really say much about this because honestly I don't talk about it, but even to this day the abuse continues and I've had a series of mental breakdowns that i think are related to the damage she has done to me emotionally. She used to torture me, in a sense, not necessarily physically but emotionally. And slowly year by year, this took it's toll. I still have to see her every time I come home
I got really heavily into drugs and drinking, I mixed with a bad crowd... now actually one of them is living in a squat doing drugs all day. Miraculously somehow I managed to get into university but really since university my life has plummeted.
In first year, I had a mental breakdown; being away from home I felt was when all the past damage and abuse came to the surface, it was like because I wasn't on edge anymore and in constant defence mode I was re-living all the abuse. I had nightmares, and come easter when we had to see our parents I stayed alone at the halls.
My mental state deteriorated and I failed all my exams, I was on the brink of being thrown out of university but was allowed under exceptional circumstances to return.
I turned my life around, I stopped the drugs, I studied hard, and I got a 2:1, but then now again in my second year; i've had the same thing happen to me. I had a mental breakdown again.
I've realized how the depression from what has happened to me is ruining my life, I failed second year, I'm doing resits now; I don't know what to do anymore, I don't feel as though I can possibly heal from this; and when I do feel I am healing, I have to go back home to be abused all over again, I need to move out but I don't know how.
I went from having the most amazing life to now having the worst life ever, no one wants to be my friend; because I'm so mentally weird now; so anxious and depressed. I'm failing my exams, on the brink of being thrown out again if I dont pass these resits, and I feel like I've just lost everything, my own health has gone down the drain, I'm so skinny and my face has lost all vitality from being in this dark place for so long, girls wont look at me twice like they used too; that kills in itself, knowing that I will be lonely forever until I get rid of this cloud, doctors can't help me besides pills.
I'm trapped and forced to live with someone who's ruined my life and continues to ruin it, I see no way out, especially if I fail. Even if I do pass I don't know what to do after, I hope I can get a job, but I'm honestly so mentally ****ed up I don't think anyone would hire me. This isn't being self-defeatest honestly.
I guess this is just a cry for help because honestly these days I just feel like ending it all. I fantasize about death all the time and It's scary because in a way It'd be the greatest relief, from all this...
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment