Okay I'm gonna admit this. I am a 19 year old girl who has never had any boyfriend nor close contact with a guy. (not even hugging as it is not a culture here)
When I was 12 to 14, I was really overweight (not obese!) and somehow someone figured out who I liked and things kinda spread. People started teasing me and I was also kinda emotionally bullied a little bit by a guy that thought I had a crush on him. I got teased and laughed at quite a lot on my weight and body. I was called names like hippo, cow and got teased about my "ability" of knocking down a building / getting crack lines on the floor when I walk. I was afraid of gym class and shopping in general. It was then I think that I grew fear towards men/boys and started to have low self esteem.
I would say I look quite different now compared to the old me. I have lost quite a lot of weight and still working towards my target (bmi 20). My current bmi is 25. My friends sometimes tell me I am pretty but I just can't believe them, it's like I try to believe their words but this little voice in my head kept on telling me that I am still a fat girl.
Anyway, I never had a lot of guy friends despite being in a co ed school. I NEVER had a close guy friend. I just can't open up to them. I am too scared to let them cross over the territory that I have built over the years and I don't know how to communicate with them. I just..CAN'T ACT NORMALLY AROUND THEM.
So right now at 19 where a lot of my friends start having boyfriends and sweet things done together, I am still the middle school girl who has secret crushes on guys and could never do anything. I am terrified, jealous and angry at the same time. I cry easily when I watch teen movies because they made me feel like such a loser.
Any advice? (serious comments only please)
tbh, my eyes are wet now.
Put the internet to work for you.
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