Hi,
I really need help coping with something that I felt has been happening for some time now, but have been led to believe that it was all in my head. Unfortunately, I've just learned that everything I was concerned about was real and we've both spent months (and lots of money) in therapy working on my obsessive issues, when the issues have been her lies all along.
Let me start from the beginning. My wife and I have been happily married, or so I thought, for over 10 years and we have two beautiful daughters. She is the love of my life and I have always worshiped her because of her inner and outer beauty. She's intelligent, talented, a knock out and we have always had a lot in common. Our sex life has always been amazing. To this day, I still love her completely and want only the best for her.
Over the past few years, she has become a successful indie romance novelist. She writes under a pen name and has been part of an online indie writing community for a couple of years. Over the last year or so, she has become much closer to this community, so much so that I truly believe that they are first on her priority list. Our daughters come second and I bring up the rear. Be that as it may, I have worked hard at helping her reach her goals and have put mine to the side.
Slightly less than a year ago she struck up a friendship with another very successful younger male romance author who keeps his identity secret. She claimed to me that she didn't know who he was or even if it was a "he," and that he was simply mentoring her. Next thing I know this other author is helping her market her book to his readers, writing glowing blog posts about her and doing public chat sessions with her to introduce her to his fans.
At the time, I mentioned that all of this seemed strange to me and I felt like this person wanted more than just a mentoring relationship. She claimed that this was all in my head and that I should trust her judgment. I tried.
During this time and shortly after, there was a lot of texting and online communication happening. She took her phone everywhere and would often stay up until well into the morning chatting online. Again, I raised concerns, but she started to become annoyed with me and again said it was in my head.
I then started looking at her phone and questioning strange emails coming in from "girlfriends" talking about "threesomes with their boyfriends" and "kissing." At this point she said this was all joking around and accused me of spying on her and being unstable.
So, through all of this I started getting extreme anxiety attacks, depression and I began binge drinking. I was desperate and started seeing a therapist, who finally gave me the help I needed, but I was still checking her phone and finding questionable texts from her girlfriends. Then I came across a random text from her FaceBook account from this other male author, which was very intimate. At that point I tried to get into her Facebook account, but she had changed the password and started to delete all of her search history. Suspicion increased.
At this time I discovered both of their Tumblr accounts, which are both sexually explicit. I would see their posts pop up almost in sync with each other, and the posts made me believe that they were communicating through Tumblr. Sometimes, it was obvious. When I asked her about this, she again told me I was crazy and that they all use Tumblr to market their books and that those posts were simply coincidental.
We started seeing a marriage counselor and she started seeing her own therapist, because one night in a drunken stupor, I accused her of not respecting me and I actually said that we should split up. At that time, she completely shifted everything back on me and started to paint me as an abusive husband to her online community. I know this because I had looked and saw the conversations that she had with her friends. The conversations were brutal. I was completely thrown under the bus.
Shortly after that, we separated within the home. She slept in the guest room and I stayed in our bedroom. That time was so painful. All I wanted was to know what I needed to do to repair the damage. I would have done anything to have her back in my arms, my trust, my bed.
One night I awoke to moaning coming from the guest room. I nearly got up to see what it was all about, but I let it go. Shortly after that I saw Tumblr messages back and forth between her and her male author friend, talking about how they thought of each other in the middle of the night. I again confronted her about it, but she again told me I was crazy.
I started to believe I was crazy.
Soon after, she decided that it was time to come back to our room and start to work on repairing the marriage. I was relieved and did my utmost to make this work.
Fast forward ... We have come a long way, or should I say, I have come a long way. Through much self examination and therapy, I've decided to work on myself and stop worshiping her. I've been to counseling and read many books on marriage. The one that helped me the most recently was "Everybody Marries The Wrong Person." From it, I learned about the "new marriage paradigm" and how one needs to take responsibility for his or her own reactions and emotional needs. It also advocates no expectations from your spouse and being ready for constant changes in reality.
All good. I took to it right away and have been really making progress in gaining confidence on my own ... even while questioning how many expectations I should relinquish. I've been on a healthy workout regimen and am now in the best shape of my life. I've become stronger, realizing that I should allow my wife to be who she is without the threat of leaving her. But what does that say about me? Don't I matter too? Don't my needs mean just as much as hers?
I used to be a very romantic person, in the traditional sense. Jewelry. Flowers. Romantic dinners. Awesome foreplay. Being totally focused on her.
To me now? That's all gone, because I've "learned" that's not what women want. They want to be left alone. They don't want men who worship them. They want men who treat them like objects.
I'm now a cynic when it comes to love and romance. I feel that I've been ruined. I used to love to love, passionately, but that has now been stolen from me.
We recently went on a long weekend away together and I thought things were good at first, but she was ultimately miserable. No sex. While I felt mocked all weekend by other couples totally in love and passionate with each other.
I later learned that she was texting pictures of other guys at the pool to her girlfriends. I'm such a !@#$ing idiot!
I recently came across more emails from this other male author. She continues to talk to him and flirt with him, and her online friends encourage it, while excoriating me for being a wuss. However, I don't think they know what's really going on. My recent findings uncovered the smoking gun. They were both reminiscing about their night together (online sex) and how funny and hot it was ... how they pulled one over on me. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.
For awhile, I thought we were on the right path and this marriage can be saved. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm actually thinking about calling an attorney.
Help! Can someone please help? Should I confront her about these latest findings?
I sincerely want to hold this family together, for my beautiful daughters' sakes, for who I thought was a loving, devoted wife. But I feel like such a fool and such a wuss for not standing up for myself.
I'm really pissed that I've been led to believe that I am crazy and have spent so much money on counseling, only to learn that all I've been "making up in my mind" is absolutely true.
It's so hard to believe that this beautiful person that I've loved so much can be so cruel. I now believe I need to move on, but I want to protect our girls. I truly believe that she will neglect them, because I see it already. She's a narcissistic person, as are all of her online friends. She's also an alcoholic, which skews her reality.
I must stop, because I'm getting angry and negative. I'm simply looking for a listening ear and advice.
Thank you.
I really need help coping with something that I felt has been happening for some time now, but have been led to believe that it was all in my head. Unfortunately, I've just learned that everything I was concerned about was real and we've both spent months (and lots of money) in therapy working on my obsessive issues, when the issues have been her lies all along.
Let me start from the beginning. My wife and I have been happily married, or so I thought, for over 10 years and we have two beautiful daughters. She is the love of my life and I have always worshiped her because of her inner and outer beauty. She's intelligent, talented, a knock out and we have always had a lot in common. Our sex life has always been amazing. To this day, I still love her completely and want only the best for her.
Over the past few years, she has become a successful indie romance novelist. She writes under a pen name and has been part of an online indie writing community for a couple of years. Over the last year or so, she has become much closer to this community, so much so that I truly believe that they are first on her priority list. Our daughters come second and I bring up the rear. Be that as it may, I have worked hard at helping her reach her goals and have put mine to the side.
Slightly less than a year ago she struck up a friendship with another very successful younger male romance author who keeps his identity secret. She claimed to me that she didn't know who he was or even if it was a "he," and that he was simply mentoring her. Next thing I know this other author is helping her market her book to his readers, writing glowing blog posts about her and doing public chat sessions with her to introduce her to his fans.
At the time, I mentioned that all of this seemed strange to me and I felt like this person wanted more than just a mentoring relationship. She claimed that this was all in my head and that I should trust her judgment. I tried.
During this time and shortly after, there was a lot of texting and online communication happening. She took her phone everywhere and would often stay up until well into the morning chatting online. Again, I raised concerns, but she started to become annoyed with me and again said it was in my head.
I then started looking at her phone and questioning strange emails coming in from "girlfriends" talking about "threesomes with their boyfriends" and "kissing." At this point she said this was all joking around and accused me of spying on her and being unstable.
So, through all of this I started getting extreme anxiety attacks, depression and I began binge drinking. I was desperate and started seeing a therapist, who finally gave me the help I needed, but I was still checking her phone and finding questionable texts from her girlfriends. Then I came across a random text from her FaceBook account from this other male author, which was very intimate. At that point I tried to get into her Facebook account, but she had changed the password and started to delete all of her search history. Suspicion increased.
At this time I discovered both of their Tumblr accounts, which are both sexually explicit. I would see their posts pop up almost in sync with each other, and the posts made me believe that they were communicating through Tumblr. Sometimes, it was obvious. When I asked her about this, she again told me I was crazy and that they all use Tumblr to market their books and that those posts were simply coincidental.
We started seeing a marriage counselor and she started seeing her own therapist, because one night in a drunken stupor, I accused her of not respecting me and I actually said that we should split up. At that time, she completely shifted everything back on me and started to paint me as an abusive husband to her online community. I know this because I had looked and saw the conversations that she had with her friends. The conversations were brutal. I was completely thrown under the bus.
Shortly after that, we separated within the home. She slept in the guest room and I stayed in our bedroom. That time was so painful. All I wanted was to know what I needed to do to repair the damage. I would have done anything to have her back in my arms, my trust, my bed.
One night I awoke to moaning coming from the guest room. I nearly got up to see what it was all about, but I let it go. Shortly after that I saw Tumblr messages back and forth between her and her male author friend, talking about how they thought of each other in the middle of the night. I again confronted her about it, but she again told me I was crazy.
I started to believe I was crazy.
Soon after, she decided that it was time to come back to our room and start to work on repairing the marriage. I was relieved and did my utmost to make this work.
Fast forward ... We have come a long way, or should I say, I have come a long way. Through much self examination and therapy, I've decided to work on myself and stop worshiping her. I've been to counseling and read many books on marriage. The one that helped me the most recently was "Everybody Marries The Wrong Person." From it, I learned about the "new marriage paradigm" and how one needs to take responsibility for his or her own reactions and emotional needs. It also advocates no expectations from your spouse and being ready for constant changes in reality.
All good. I took to it right away and have been really making progress in gaining confidence on my own ... even while questioning how many expectations I should relinquish. I've been on a healthy workout regimen and am now in the best shape of my life. I've become stronger, realizing that I should allow my wife to be who she is without the threat of leaving her. But what does that say about me? Don't I matter too? Don't my needs mean just as much as hers?
I used to be a very romantic person, in the traditional sense. Jewelry. Flowers. Romantic dinners. Awesome foreplay. Being totally focused on her.
To me now? That's all gone, because I've "learned" that's not what women want. They want to be left alone. They don't want men who worship them. They want men who treat them like objects.
I'm now a cynic when it comes to love and romance. I feel that I've been ruined. I used to love to love, passionately, but that has now been stolen from me.
We recently went on a long weekend away together and I thought things were good at first, but she was ultimately miserable. No sex. While I felt mocked all weekend by other couples totally in love and passionate with each other.
I later learned that she was texting pictures of other guys at the pool to her girlfriends. I'm such a !@#$ing idiot!
I recently came across more emails from this other male author. She continues to talk to him and flirt with him, and her online friends encourage it, while excoriating me for being a wuss. However, I don't think they know what's really going on. My recent findings uncovered the smoking gun. They were both reminiscing about their night together (online sex) and how funny and hot it was ... how they pulled one over on me. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.
For awhile, I thought we were on the right path and this marriage can be saved. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm actually thinking about calling an attorney.
Help! Can someone please help? Should I confront her about these latest findings?
I sincerely want to hold this family together, for my beautiful daughters' sakes, for who I thought was a loving, devoted wife. But I feel like such a fool and such a wuss for not standing up for myself.
I'm really pissed that I've been led to believe that I am crazy and have spent so much money on counseling, only to learn that all I've been "making up in my mind" is absolutely true.
It's so hard to believe that this beautiful person that I've loved so much can be so cruel. I now believe I need to move on, but I want to protect our girls. I truly believe that she will neglect them, because I see it already. She's a narcissistic person, as are all of her online friends. She's also an alcoholic, which skews her reality.
I must stop, because I'm getting angry and negative. I'm simply looking for a listening ear and advice.
Thank you.
Put the internet to work for you.
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