A false R seems to serve a greater purpose for the betrayed as much as a true reconciliation serves the greater purpose of a good marriage.
I feel that once the betrayed recognizes the elements of a false R, gaslighting, trickle-truthing etc, it gives them time to make the decision to divorce. One thing for sure, it is pure hell. The emotional injuries to the BS become stacked, it seems to be a constant reliving of the entire DD scenario. The fact that one human being would deliberately subject another to this repeated emotional chaos, rife with confusion is so wrong...It is the opposite of love. It is pure emotional cruelty. A false R is driven by the WSs continued selfishness and disrespect of the BS amongst the possibilities of other ulterior motives and secondary gains.
During my time of being in false R, it took me a while to see those false R elements, but I felt them. The main method my WS used to keep me on leash was to destroy my trust in myself...to destroy my reliance on my gut instincts. I take responsibility for some of that. I allowed it because it allowed me to stay married and feel our nuclear family was intact. It triggered the urgency in me to disclose things to him prematurely which only gave him time to rewrite stories and hide his affair better. He was on a mission to stigmatize me to be 'crazy'. The truth is who would not go nearly crazy reliving a DD daily? The larger truth is it gave me the courage to walk away. Despite his best efforts he just could could not kill the gut feelings which kept prompting me to get away from him.
It's so funny that it took a great 'stalling' in my own life for me, to actually 'stop' completely from the buzz and whirls of everyday life, to truly examine the whole picture. For that I say, someone in heaven was looking out for me. I even compared my husband's (my memory is good) behavior prior, during and post DD. I got information on the kind of person she was - it all added up... He had become her over the 6 year period that I had came to find out about. Never mind the fact that I was living in a state of bewilderment during that time frame, which affected my behaviors externally including in the work environment. Yet his mantra was ..."People don't like you, your co-workers hate you, your family hates you, you are a bad person". Wow! I looked around at my life and saw that my relationships with people had indeed deteriorated and I was pretty much isolating because it suited him that I was not disclosing to them, his emotional, psychological and financial abuses . I had become silent and withdrawn over time. He accused me of the very things he subtly perpetuated in my life.
Apparently he began treating me the way she treated him. He wasn't that way before she entered his life. When I look at him and how he has changed over the 17 years, it is truly sad to see what he has become but enlightening to see, what I could have become had I not released myself from someone who could so easily come under the control of a third.
When I looked at who I was before I got married to him, who I became after marriage, then who I was becoming after she entered his life, these are the most meaningful turning points leading to freedom. We have choices. Nothing we experience is without it's merits even if it is only on a deeply personal level. Always remember that you matter. My fault, I gave up a lot of my own personal power to another human being, whether it was deferred or referred, the price is the same.
My appeal to you is to really take a look at how your R is unfolding. Take the time you need to really honor your gut instincts, they are for your protection and if they are triggering daily, it means a lot more for your survival than you may believe. It is not my intention to belabor the point about gut feelings but they really are life-savers. I came into this world alone and I will leave alone...What happens in between is my responsibility. When someone shows you who they are, you must believe them.
I feel that once the betrayed recognizes the elements of a false R, gaslighting, trickle-truthing etc, it gives them time to make the decision to divorce. One thing for sure, it is pure hell. The emotional injuries to the BS become stacked, it seems to be a constant reliving of the entire DD scenario. The fact that one human being would deliberately subject another to this repeated emotional chaos, rife with confusion is so wrong...It is the opposite of love. It is pure emotional cruelty. A false R is driven by the WSs continued selfishness and disrespect of the BS amongst the possibilities of other ulterior motives and secondary gains.
During my time of being in false R, it took me a while to see those false R elements, but I felt them. The main method my WS used to keep me on leash was to destroy my trust in myself...to destroy my reliance on my gut instincts. I take responsibility for some of that. I allowed it because it allowed me to stay married and feel our nuclear family was intact. It triggered the urgency in me to disclose things to him prematurely which only gave him time to rewrite stories and hide his affair better. He was on a mission to stigmatize me to be 'crazy'. The truth is who would not go nearly crazy reliving a DD daily? The larger truth is it gave me the courage to walk away. Despite his best efforts he just could could not kill the gut feelings which kept prompting me to get away from him.
It's so funny that it took a great 'stalling' in my own life for me, to actually 'stop' completely from the buzz and whirls of everyday life, to truly examine the whole picture. For that I say, someone in heaven was looking out for me. I even compared my husband's (my memory is good) behavior prior, during and post DD. I got information on the kind of person she was - it all added up... He had become her over the 6 year period that I had came to find out about. Never mind the fact that I was living in a state of bewilderment during that time frame, which affected my behaviors externally including in the work environment. Yet his mantra was ..."People don't like you, your co-workers hate you, your family hates you, you are a bad person". Wow! I looked around at my life and saw that my relationships with people had indeed deteriorated and I was pretty much isolating because it suited him that I was not disclosing to them, his emotional, psychological and financial abuses . I had become silent and withdrawn over time. He accused me of the very things he subtly perpetuated in my life.
Apparently he began treating me the way she treated him. He wasn't that way before she entered his life. When I look at him and how he has changed over the 17 years, it is truly sad to see what he has become but enlightening to see, what I could have become had I not released myself from someone who could so easily come under the control of a third.
When I looked at who I was before I got married to him, who I became after marriage, then who I was becoming after she entered his life, these are the most meaningful turning points leading to freedom. We have choices. Nothing we experience is without it's merits even if it is only on a deeply personal level. Always remember that you matter. My fault, I gave up a lot of my own personal power to another human being, whether it was deferred or referred, the price is the same.
My appeal to you is to really take a look at how your R is unfolding. Take the time you need to really honor your gut instincts, they are for your protection and if they are triggering daily, it means a lot more for your survival than you may believe. It is not my intention to belabor the point about gut feelings but they really are life-savers. I came into this world alone and I will leave alone...What happens in between is my responsibility. When someone shows you who they are, you must believe them.
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