I can't go on this way much longer...
Some background info...
Spoiler:ShowAll this time I thought I was either straight or bi. I've always been attracted to females...always. Men just never did it for me in a sexual way, so never thought about it and thus never made advances on men.
However I thought I was bi as I was attracted to some transgenders (pre-op, ie t-girls), but as they looked like females, I put it down to being bi but mostly attracted to femininity.
I used to have some anxiety issues and always put my lack of sexual interaction with women down to that. I usually was able to pull if I tried, but rarely would take it further for fear that I couldn't get an erection or something.
I had this thing going with a girl on my street during the winter, but anxiety kept me from having sex. When I explained it was cool and she started staying at my place sometimes. So when the anxiety passed and I got hard we would start to get it on, but as soon as we would I'd lose the erection.
I always put that down to anxiety but I'm starting to think that it may be because I don't actually find women sexually attractive despite finding them very attractive physically. If that makes sense?
Over the past few months I've been more open to the idea of gay sex. But I really don't want to be gay...what I mean is the idea of gay sex doesn't bother me. But for relationships, I only want to be with women. And now I'm worried this can't happen as I am actually gay, not bi as I once thought.
This is killing me inside. Recently I've been looking through the facebooks of the girls who at one point of my life were attracted to me, most of them are now in relationships. Even the ones who aren't, it doesn't matter as I know those ships have sailed. I don't mind too much but I can't help but thinking, what if I wasn't gay, I could maybe be with one of them right now, in a happy relationship, maybe even thinking about marriage in the next few years...but instead they are with someone else (or will be) and here I am, essentially alone (or soon to be), depressed and only able to have sex with men despite wanting it with women.
So that girl I mentioned I had been seeing over the winter, sex was restricted to oral (even as I was getting head I sometimes struggled to stay fully hard). I started getting depressed again so I broke it off and said when I'm feeling better I'd call her. It was one of the hardest things I ever did as I really really liked her. What hurt more is that I knew deep down I would never get 'better'.
Anyway so a couple of weeks ago I called her, she came over and it was basically the same thing all over again and its been like that since.
I haven't felt this way for a woman ever before in my life, I really like her a lot. Every second I spend with her I like her more and more. I'm trying to imagine ending it indefinitely, her getting over me and finding someone else, getting married etc etc while I'll be off somewhere having sex with ****ing horrible ****ing men! It makes me feel so ****ing pathetic!
When I see young couples walking about I always think, 'what if that guy was gay'. Then I'd think of the girl off with another guy, not a care in the world for her 'would have been lover' (all due to a slight chemical difference in the body...probably). And thats how I feel, if I had a tiny tiny difference in my chemical make up, there would be a woman out there right now who I should have been with, who is currently with another man because I ended up gay! It wears me out.
I'm not feeling depressed right now this minute, hopefully it will be kept at bay and under control for a long time, but I know that when this 'relationship' falls apart the depression is coming back. I'm already having some pretty dark thoughts even though I feel relatively good...I am worried when the depression come back these thoughts get magnified and I do something stupid...
Put the internet to work for you.
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