I have also posted in the past in the Coping with Infidelity forum. I am married to a 3 time 'virtual' cheater, he's had two EAs with two OW in the past, the third time with the same OW. This ended a little over a year ago and we are reconciling, or trying to. He has done everything to prove to me he is no longer cheating and I see/feel no evidence of it now.
Our problems now are more this vicious cycle of conflict followed by rug-sweeping, but not by me, or not willingly anyway.
For example, this morning I tried to tell him about something that had happened last night that we didn't get to discuss as he was working late and I went to bed. This morning when I brought it up he would not let me talk. He kept telling me it didn't matter, it wasn't a problem, he knew what I was going to say. He literally would not let me talk. After trying to stay calm and several attempts to talk I got frustrated and ticked off, told him he was acting like a jerk and walked away to go do a workout.
After my workout and shower I went back downstairs to tell him it was not OK, what he had done.That people who care about each other don't act rude and condescending like that. He immediately turned it around and said "You do it all the time" I was just showing you what it's like, I was just kidding with you" etc. I told him I know I sometimes inadvertently interrupt him when I get excited or don't know he was pausing in a thought, but I had never done anything like that to him, literally talking over me and not letting me talk at all. He continued to now try to act like he was the injured party and then would not talk any more giving me the silent treatment.
This is the pattern. He has left now but will most likely come back and/or pretend nothing happened or make light of it and try and shift the blame back on me. Part of me is admittedly still upset with him about his cheating past but I do not throw it in his face at times like this, though I am sorely tempted. It would be a low blow, but really, he is trying to regain my trust and show me how much he cherishes me, and then he does this.
I try to stay calm but when he starts throwing it back at me I get perturbed and my voice rises and he tells me I am not right, I am just louder. I want to stop this vicious cycle as it gets us nowhere and then we let it go. He will not go to counselling as we tried it in the past and he felt "blamed" by the counselor. It seems that he is so insecure that he cannot admit when he is wrong, although I seem to do it all the time when I know it was my fault. Why can't he?
Is it just the way he is, or we are together? Is there anything I can do differently or is this normal couple arguing? It doesn't feel like it to me.
Our problems now are more this vicious cycle of conflict followed by rug-sweeping, but not by me, or not willingly anyway.
For example, this morning I tried to tell him about something that had happened last night that we didn't get to discuss as he was working late and I went to bed. This morning when I brought it up he would not let me talk. He kept telling me it didn't matter, it wasn't a problem, he knew what I was going to say. He literally would not let me talk. After trying to stay calm and several attempts to talk I got frustrated and ticked off, told him he was acting like a jerk and walked away to go do a workout.
After my workout and shower I went back downstairs to tell him it was not OK, what he had done.That people who care about each other don't act rude and condescending like that. He immediately turned it around and said "You do it all the time" I was just showing you what it's like, I was just kidding with you" etc. I told him I know I sometimes inadvertently interrupt him when I get excited or don't know he was pausing in a thought, but I had never done anything like that to him, literally talking over me and not letting me talk at all. He continued to now try to act like he was the injured party and then would not talk any more giving me the silent treatment.
This is the pattern. He has left now but will most likely come back and/or pretend nothing happened or make light of it and try and shift the blame back on me. Part of me is admittedly still upset with him about his cheating past but I do not throw it in his face at times like this, though I am sorely tempted. It would be a low blow, but really, he is trying to regain my trust and show me how much he cherishes me, and then he does this.
I try to stay calm but when he starts throwing it back at me I get perturbed and my voice rises and he tells me I am not right, I am just louder. I want to stop this vicious cycle as it gets us nowhere and then we let it go. He will not go to counselling as we tried it in the past and he felt "blamed" by the counselor. It seems that he is so insecure that he cannot admit when he is wrong, although I seem to do it all the time when I know it was my fault. Why can't he?
Is it just the way he is, or we are together? Is there anything I can do differently or is this normal couple arguing? It doesn't feel like it to me.
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