Hi all,
I hope you don't mind me popping in for some advice...and my apologies in advance for being so long-winded about it!
Difficult combination with a woman who is deeply hurt from her past and terrified of getting hurt again, and a guy (me) with basically no relationship experience - mainly because I'm an ex-lifelong fat guy until quite recently. We're both in our late 20s. Also, she has a 9yr old son.
I also know the most likely answer I'm going to get is probably "don't try", but hey...
So, I met this girl nearly a year ago...I saw her maybe four or five times over a couple of months, and I liked her then but got nothing back bar a closed-off friend vibe and I didn't feel like being strung along so I just sort of drifted away...didn't see the point of flogging a dead horse.
Some months pass...I notice she occasionally likes my pictures on FB even though we haven't spoken for ages. I did wonder how she was doing now and then, also. About six weeks ago I dropped her a message and we arranged to meet up - in fact she suggested we go out for a drink on the Saturday (same day), which I found odd as I'd always seen her round hers due to her son. Must take some effort to get a babysitter on short notice. She turns up all dolled up and looking absolutely stunning, I had no expectations other than I wanted to see her as friends or whatever else - I make no moves and soon enough she starts getting closer and touching me, she holds my hand and later on I kiss her, which becomes a theme for the rest of the night! I walked her home.
Went to hers the following Saturday for dinner, and ended up staying the entire weekend. We had a great time and were very close...she led me to bed after things got a bit hot and heavy, and then backed out at the last minute, which I respected. So we laid naked and chatted and slept.
Didn't see her for a week and a half as she was ill, then saw her after work for a couple of hours...which was great, although throughout this time she had been questioning me as to whether I was just going to mess her around (no). She text me soon after I left her to basically quiz me again about what I want from her, to which I reassured her I like her and that I want things to work. Called her the following night and we spent nearly four hours on the phone, just talking. Following evening I get a message out of the blue saying "I miss you", and I ended up going to stay. We had sex this time. Left together for work in the morning, and we had previous arrangements to have dinner at hers then go to a party with her friends on Saturday.
Next night out of the blue I get a long winded "this isn't going to work" text, at which point I'm thinking WTF. So I rang her and we talked for a while, and she said she doesn't feel the "spark" and "something is stopping me from falling in love" (I thought it might be a bit early for that, personally). I asked her what she wanted to do about tomorrow, she said she already bought dinner, so come over (she must have bought it like an hour before sending me that text).
I stayed much more reserved initially, being confused, and before too long, she was holding my hand and being affectionate all over again. Got on great with all her friends, had a great night and it was like everything was back to normal, although it was awkward and confusing for me initially. Everyone there knew me as "X's new boyfriend". Made the mistake of staying at hers instead of going home (although we didn't do anything).
Sunday she was physically much more distant which was very unlike her so again it made me feel awkward, and wondering what the hell was going on. She mentioned a film she wanted to go and see and I offered to take her on Friday, she said she would be too tired to go to the cinema as she has such a busy week (true, she did) - and I was visiting friends the Saturday/Sunday. I took that to mean she wasn't interested again and when I left I asked her to call me in the week, she said she would and asked me to text her when I got home. I left confused and frustrated but didn't show it, I text her as I said I would but without any of the usual affections. She text me straight back but I left it and went to sleep. Long story short at this point...she texts me on Wednesday, then inconsistently texts me back, my game-playing radar goes off so I back away a bit.
I called her on the Saturday and only spoke to her for about 10 minutes as she was off into town...then later she puts up on FB that she's been out with her son and some bloke who she didn't think once to mention to me. Whilst texting me pictures of her outing. A day passes, I draw the wrong conclusion, and get some bad advice, and deleted her from Facebook and block her on Whatsapp (absolute fail move I know now, it seemed so logical at the time). Three days pass and I realise I might be wrong so I get back in touch with her, and she was absolutely distraught, had been upset all week because she thought I just wanted to have a bit of fun with her, I asked if we could talk face to face and she invited me to stay.
So I explained, apologised multiple times when I realised I was in the wrong, although still taking the time to point out what it looked like to me. She said she was just hung over and tired on the Sunday when she was distant (fair enough). I took from how distressed she was that she really must be into me, and felt very guilty about it. We spoke on the phone for a couple of hours again on Friday and everything was fine (and she jokingly deleted me from Facebook whilst on the phone to me as revenge). I regret immensely that all this happened.
Saw her on Saturday night and we were meant to go for a day trip on the Sunday after, things started getting a bit frisky again and she freaked out, told me a lot of things - that she thinks she's asexual since she broke up with her ex (a year ago, they were together 7yrs and he promised to marry her repeatedly then told her he didn't want to, 2 days before they were due to get married). Before that, the father of her son abandoned them at a young age. She said she doesn't want or need sex, and that she doesn't know if that will ever change...that she wanted to try and make it work with me, but she doesn't "feel the butterflies", but then she doesn't "feel the butterflies" with anyone at all. And she doesn't want to string things along because she thinks that eventually I will leave her for someone else, as she's "asexual" (this clearly isn't strictly true but at the time I was just in shock). She also said she "really, really, really" likes me and I would be the perfect guy for her if it wasn't for her issues. But that any time I touch her in a sexual way she just wants to run away (that's nothing to do with me personally, I'm absolutely certain of that). She also says she's put up huge walls to stop anyone getting close to her again.
So I did the worst thing imaginable and balled my eyes out right in front of her...and generally speaking, I'm quite emotionally bulletproof. I just couldn't help it. And I felt completely destroyed for a couple of days afterwards. She seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction that I actually had feelings for her. For some reason I ended up staying the night still and we slept in each others arms. She made breakfast on Sunday and she kept hugging me all the time...and she was near to crying when I left. We text each other a few times later on, and haven't spoken since (that was this Sunday).
So I don't really understand what the hell's happened here. One moment she's all over me, the next she pushes me away, and again and again. What I can't figure out is if she really is just scared of getting hurt, or if it's become a combination of that and "I'm just not that into you". Obviously I've fucked up in places, but in any normal situation I don't think it would have mattered too much.
Do I disappear for a while to give her space, is this all some big test to see if I care enough to fight for her (she does have very traditional views on relationships), does she want things to work but it's all been too much too fast...
I was falling in love with her, although I never told her that - and I thought the same was true for her (she said as much when I saw her after I cut her off, but that it wasn't so simple for her after that incident). I fear this is now beyond repair, but I really hope not.
I want to show her that she really can trust me, but at the same time I don't want to flog a dead horse and be a mug (which is the same impulse that led me to cut her off, painful as it was for me).
The whole cycle, now that I look back on it, was one of her wanting me to come closer and spend more time with her, then pushing me away when I gave her what she wanted.
Thank you for your considerable patience if you've managed to read this far!
I hope you don't mind me popping in for some advice...and my apologies in advance for being so long-winded about it!
Difficult combination with a woman who is deeply hurt from her past and terrified of getting hurt again, and a guy (me) with basically no relationship experience - mainly because I'm an ex-lifelong fat guy until quite recently. We're both in our late 20s. Also, she has a 9yr old son.
I also know the most likely answer I'm going to get is probably "don't try", but hey...
So, I met this girl nearly a year ago...I saw her maybe four or five times over a couple of months, and I liked her then but got nothing back bar a closed-off friend vibe and I didn't feel like being strung along so I just sort of drifted away...didn't see the point of flogging a dead horse.
Some months pass...I notice she occasionally likes my pictures on FB even though we haven't spoken for ages. I did wonder how she was doing now and then, also. About six weeks ago I dropped her a message and we arranged to meet up - in fact she suggested we go out for a drink on the Saturday (same day), which I found odd as I'd always seen her round hers due to her son. Must take some effort to get a babysitter on short notice. She turns up all dolled up and looking absolutely stunning, I had no expectations other than I wanted to see her as friends or whatever else - I make no moves and soon enough she starts getting closer and touching me, she holds my hand and later on I kiss her, which becomes a theme for the rest of the night! I walked her home.
Went to hers the following Saturday for dinner, and ended up staying the entire weekend. We had a great time and were very close...she led me to bed after things got a bit hot and heavy, and then backed out at the last minute, which I respected. So we laid naked and chatted and slept.
Didn't see her for a week and a half as she was ill, then saw her after work for a couple of hours...which was great, although throughout this time she had been questioning me as to whether I was just going to mess her around (no). She text me soon after I left her to basically quiz me again about what I want from her, to which I reassured her I like her and that I want things to work. Called her the following night and we spent nearly four hours on the phone, just talking. Following evening I get a message out of the blue saying "I miss you", and I ended up going to stay. We had sex this time. Left together for work in the morning, and we had previous arrangements to have dinner at hers then go to a party with her friends on Saturday.
Next night out of the blue I get a long winded "this isn't going to work" text, at which point I'm thinking WTF. So I rang her and we talked for a while, and she said she doesn't feel the "spark" and "something is stopping me from falling in love" (I thought it might be a bit early for that, personally). I asked her what she wanted to do about tomorrow, she said she already bought dinner, so come over (she must have bought it like an hour before sending me that text).
I stayed much more reserved initially, being confused, and before too long, she was holding my hand and being affectionate all over again. Got on great with all her friends, had a great night and it was like everything was back to normal, although it was awkward and confusing for me initially. Everyone there knew me as "X's new boyfriend". Made the mistake of staying at hers instead of going home (although we didn't do anything).
Sunday she was physically much more distant which was very unlike her so again it made me feel awkward, and wondering what the hell was going on. She mentioned a film she wanted to go and see and I offered to take her on Friday, she said she would be too tired to go to the cinema as she has such a busy week (true, she did) - and I was visiting friends the Saturday/Sunday. I took that to mean she wasn't interested again and when I left I asked her to call me in the week, she said she would and asked me to text her when I got home. I left confused and frustrated but didn't show it, I text her as I said I would but without any of the usual affections. She text me straight back but I left it and went to sleep. Long story short at this point...she texts me on Wednesday, then inconsistently texts me back, my game-playing radar goes off so I back away a bit.
I called her on the Saturday and only spoke to her for about 10 minutes as she was off into town...then later she puts up on FB that she's been out with her son and some bloke who she didn't think once to mention to me. Whilst texting me pictures of her outing. A day passes, I draw the wrong conclusion, and get some bad advice, and deleted her from Facebook and block her on Whatsapp (absolute fail move I know now, it seemed so logical at the time). Three days pass and I realise I might be wrong so I get back in touch with her, and she was absolutely distraught, had been upset all week because she thought I just wanted to have a bit of fun with her, I asked if we could talk face to face and she invited me to stay.
So I explained, apologised multiple times when I realised I was in the wrong, although still taking the time to point out what it looked like to me. She said she was just hung over and tired on the Sunday when she was distant (fair enough). I took from how distressed she was that she really must be into me, and felt very guilty about it. We spoke on the phone for a couple of hours again on Friday and everything was fine (and she jokingly deleted me from Facebook whilst on the phone to me as revenge). I regret immensely that all this happened.
Saw her on Saturday night and we were meant to go for a day trip on the Sunday after, things started getting a bit frisky again and she freaked out, told me a lot of things - that she thinks she's asexual since she broke up with her ex (a year ago, they were together 7yrs and he promised to marry her repeatedly then told her he didn't want to, 2 days before they were due to get married). Before that, the father of her son abandoned them at a young age. She said she doesn't want or need sex, and that she doesn't know if that will ever change...that she wanted to try and make it work with me, but she doesn't "feel the butterflies", but then she doesn't "feel the butterflies" with anyone at all. And she doesn't want to string things along because she thinks that eventually I will leave her for someone else, as she's "asexual" (this clearly isn't strictly true but at the time I was just in shock). She also said she "really, really, really" likes me and I would be the perfect guy for her if it wasn't for her issues. But that any time I touch her in a sexual way she just wants to run away (that's nothing to do with me personally, I'm absolutely certain of that). She also says she's put up huge walls to stop anyone getting close to her again.
So I did the worst thing imaginable and balled my eyes out right in front of her...and generally speaking, I'm quite emotionally bulletproof. I just couldn't help it. And I felt completely destroyed for a couple of days afterwards. She seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction that I actually had feelings for her. For some reason I ended up staying the night still and we slept in each others arms. She made breakfast on Sunday and she kept hugging me all the time...and she was near to crying when I left. We text each other a few times later on, and haven't spoken since (that was this Sunday).
So I don't really understand what the hell's happened here. One moment she's all over me, the next she pushes me away, and again and again. What I can't figure out is if she really is just scared of getting hurt, or if it's become a combination of that and "I'm just not that into you". Obviously I've fucked up in places, but in any normal situation I don't think it would have mattered too much.
Do I disappear for a while to give her space, is this all some big test to see if I care enough to fight for her (she does have very traditional views on relationships), does she want things to work but it's all been too much too fast...
I was falling in love with her, although I never told her that - and I thought the same was true for her (she said as much when I saw her after I cut her off, but that it wasn't so simple for her after that incident). I fear this is now beyond repair, but I really hope not.
I want to show her that she really can trust me, but at the same time I don't want to flog a dead horse and be a mug (which is the same impulse that led me to cut her off, painful as it was for me).
The whole cycle, now that I look back on it, was one of her wanting me to come closer and spend more time with her, then pushing me away when I gave her what she wanted.
Thank you for your considerable patience if you've managed to read this far!
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment