So, my wife and I still seem to be living around each other without really trying to 'BE' with each other. Wanted to have "the talk" with her tonight, but she conveniently stayed away from me, with our oldest, until she was falling asleep.
So I wrote her this letter, can people tell me what they think? Should I email her or what?
I waited up last night for you to come in, I wanted to have this conversation in person, but you never came in. And then when you did, you immediately went to sleep.
When we went away, you said that maybe you needed to see a counselor by yourself and I said that I thought you did need to, have you looked into it? It has been a year since you decided that we were done having sex. And I am more hurt with each passing day. For you it is nothing, to me it is everything. To me, sex and intimacy are part and parcel of being married. But you have taken both of those away from me. I had no say in it. We are married in name only. I want to be your husband, not your brother! Every day you use words to tell me that you love me, but those words are no different than the words you say to the kids or your family to tell them that you love them. I am hurting. And I do not know any other way to say it. Like this weekend when you said that my teasing BOY was "undoing" all of Saturday! Like punishment for what I did means that you withhold yourself! Love is not conditional and part of a marital love is that sex which you are all too ready to use as a weapon. Even this morning, when you were furious at me for waking you up, I realized that is how I spend every waking moment: afraid that I will do something to lose what little bit of love you have for me. And it is killing me. It is abuse, YYYY, mental abuse. Every day, I have to live with not knowing if you are going to love me anymore. And part of that insecurity is because you took away intimacy and sex.
If you want to save what is left of our marriage, and to be very honest it is slipping away a little more every day, then you need to see someone to help you figure out how to be interested in me. Because with each day, I resent you more and more, YYY. I said it back in May that I do not want to hate you and I do not want you to hate me. But with each day that you pretend to love me, and that is what it feels like to me, I resent you more and more. I feel used; why are you here because it sure is not because you want to be with me? I feel like all I am good for is giving you trips to places. Like when we went to Orlando. You were happy to be there, but I felt like you would have been just as content if I was not there. This is not a way for either of us to live. And now you want a cruise!!!! But I am not doing it! It just makes me madder because I "know" that I will spend $$$$ and we will go and you will have a great time and yet again you will shy away from any to uch from me, you will not give me the one thing I need: an intimate and full love. And I will walk away more hurt than before. I want to be with you, and I really cannot understand how you can say you love me in one breath and then in the very next say that you have no desire. It hurts and it is a cancer to this marriage.
So here it is, an ultimatum. And I know not to give one unless you plan on following through. But if you want to find a way to save our marriage, you need to woo me. You need to make me feel wanted and desired. And that means YOU finding help for you. You need to find why it is that you do not desire me. Do that and you may yet keep me. But do not, and I will be gone. I will stay for the rest of the holidays, but in January, should you not take steps to fix the issues in you that I have no way of fixing, I will leave. I will make sure you have money for food, car, rent, etc. But I will be done. I will move out after my trip for work and we will be over before either of us hates the other.
XXXX
So I wrote her this letter, can people tell me what they think? Should I email her or what?
I waited up last night for you to come in, I wanted to have this conversation in person, but you never came in. And then when you did, you immediately went to sleep.
When we went away, you said that maybe you needed to see a counselor by yourself and I said that I thought you did need to, have you looked into it? It has been a year since you decided that we were done having sex. And I am more hurt with each passing day. For you it is nothing, to me it is everything. To me, sex and intimacy are part and parcel of being married. But you have taken both of those away from me. I had no say in it. We are married in name only. I want to be your husband, not your brother! Every day you use words to tell me that you love me, but those words are no different than the words you say to the kids or your family to tell them that you love them. I am hurting. And I do not know any other way to say it. Like this weekend when you said that my teasing BOY was "undoing" all of Saturday! Like punishment for what I did means that you withhold yourself! Love is not conditional and part of a marital love is that sex which you are all too ready to use as a weapon. Even this morning, when you were furious at me for waking you up, I realized that is how I spend every waking moment: afraid that I will do something to lose what little bit of love you have for me. And it is killing me. It is abuse, YYYY, mental abuse. Every day, I have to live with not knowing if you are going to love me anymore. And part of that insecurity is because you took away intimacy and sex.
If you want to save what is left of our marriage, and to be very honest it is slipping away a little more every day, then you need to see someone to help you figure out how to be interested in me. Because with each day, I resent you more and more, YYY. I said it back in May that I do not want to hate you and I do not want you to hate me. But with each day that you pretend to love me, and that is what it feels like to me, I resent you more and more. I feel used; why are you here because it sure is not because you want to be with me? I feel like all I am good for is giving you trips to places. Like when we went to Orlando. You were happy to be there, but I felt like you would have been just as content if I was not there. This is not a way for either of us to live. And now you want a cruise!!!! But I am not doing it! It just makes me madder because I "know" that I will spend $$$$ and we will go and you will have a great time and yet again you will shy away from any to uch from me, you will not give me the one thing I need: an intimate and full love. And I will walk away more hurt than before. I want to be with you, and I really cannot understand how you can say you love me in one breath and then in the very next say that you have no desire. It hurts and it is a cancer to this marriage.
So here it is, an ultimatum. And I know not to give one unless you plan on following through. But if you want to find a way to save our marriage, you need to woo me. You need to make me feel wanted and desired. And that means YOU finding help for you. You need to find why it is that you do not desire me. Do that and you may yet keep me. But do not, and I will be gone. I will stay for the rest of the holidays, but in January, should you not take steps to fix the issues in you that I have no way of fixing, I will leave. I will make sure you have money for food, car, rent, etc. But I will be done. I will move out after my trip for work and we will be over before either of us hates the other.
XXXX
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment