Looking For Some Advice

A brief piece of history. Growing up my best friend was this girl. We met at a Christian camp and had this unbelievably volatile chemistry. We cared for each other deeply. We would talk to each other about everything, boyfriends/girlfriends we were with, problems we were encountering, fears and expectations of life. There was always a deep attraction and pull between us but we were afraid to ruin what we had- we never dated, we never even kissed. When I was a senior in High School I finally put it all on the line. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her. That I knew she loved me too and I wanted to get a shot at us, that we'd always regret it if we didn't. I then gave her this beautiful diamond bracelet that cost me $800.00, which for a kid working at Burger King, is a lot of money. She was already knee deep in love with someone else at the time. I didn't know it but they were pretty serious. She told me no, that we would always be friends, but that she couldn't be with me. I was devastated. I tried to hold it together until she said goodnight, and then I broke down driving home. After that I got angry. We went to the same university after high school so I got an eyeful of them together which drove me insane. At some point she asked me how I was doing and I went off on her. I called her a *****, that she had broken my heart and that I wished I had never met her. She got pissed at me and stopped talking to me altogether. Her boyfriend and I were in the same dorm, and as we got to know each other I realized he truly was a good guy. He was always magnanimous about taking the girl I always wanted. He never rubbed it in my face. He would always be very humble and kind to me. A good, wholesome man. I came to accept the situation and even applauded her for her choice. I'm chaotic, he was stable. I came to a point where I truly wished her well. I cared for her, and wanted what was best for her. I told her that, apologized for my appalling behavior, and moved on in my life. I very rarely ever thought of her, or them, or us. I got over it. And then about a week ago, she called me out of the blue. Just started talking to me. Asking me how I'm doing. How she was wondering how I am. How she was sorry she wasn't there for me during my divorce, etc. How I look really good these days. Have I seen this movie. Have I heard this song. We caught up, had some laughs and said goodbye. She contacted me again, on Farcebook. Again, questions. I ask her what's wrong. She stammers and says she regrets the way things ended between us. She admits to me that she led me on. I was backup, I guess. The one guy who would always be there for her, she feels like she used me. I tell her it's really fine, that I'm okay. I've been to hell and back a few times, High School drama isn't really anything I fret over these days. She contacts me again and tells me what I've dreaded, the thing I hoped to never hear but I knew she was eventually going to say. She tells me she made a mistake. That she wishes she had given us a shot and that she's been pining for me since 2002. Wat. I'm upset. She tells me she still has the bracelet. I ask her about her husband. She tells me she loves him but she's thinking about me a lot. She has unresolved feelings for me. I don't know why she's telling me this but it's making me feel really, really weird. I thank her for her honesty but ask her why now? She said she just had to get it off her chest. She and I are continuing to talk to see what exactly is the deal here. It is clear to me that she is highly attracted to me, and if I am being honest, I can feel that attraction washing over me, affecting me. I'm flattered. I feel attractive. And then I feel sick. I got angry and spewed everything, everything I have learned from this place right at her. I told her to tell me about her amazing husband. Her three beautiful children she has with him. I tell her that he is at a distinct disadvantage here because she only gets to see me in my glory- she doesn't have to see my imperfections which are many. I tell her he doesn't even know he's competing for her affections now. I tell her every moment she spends thinking about or talking to me, she's taking away from her loving husband. She admits that she's starting to get annoyed with him, and fantasizing about me. I tell her that's because she has the fugging fog. I'm winded, and I unload all of it on her. She acknowledges all, dismisses nothing. Says I'm absolutely right, and then calmly tells me that she feels what she feels. She's sorry she's turning my life upside down and now she's sorry she told me. But her feelings remain. I feel like I'm an oak but I can hear the hinges creaking. I had a dream about her last night. I know what I need to do. Or to be more precise, I know exactly what I need not to do. I would like some additional accountability. I talked to my family and girlfriend about this. I will never cuckold this guy. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. Help.

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