this is it

It's a bit surreal to see my type this, but I think I am done with my wife and my marriage. Unless a miracle occurs, she starts behaving out of her well worn rut of behaviors, I just cannot stomach it any longer. She is so goddamn angry at me. I cannot fix it. What for? Because it's all my fault. What is "it"? To hear her tell it, it is because the house is a pit. Now, I don't walk on water when it comes to the house, but I have not been a complete loser either. But she is way beyond rational about it, and she gets in the way of me hiring help with the house (even yelling at me when I ask for the third time - because she has doged the question - if she can be around when the lady comes, or if I need to be). She got pissed when I hired the local high school rugby kids for 16 man-hours (cheap, fundraiser) to move mulch she promised to have delivered -- and, what do you know, forgot to have delivered. I do my fair share with the kids. I did at least half the care when they were infants and toddlers, due to her depression, me working at home. She works 12 hours a week, night shift, refuses to switch to days, makes the family walk around on eggshells so as not to wake her when she loligags around and gets to bed at 9:00 am even a day or two AFTER her two 1/2 nights of work. She had also had the luxury of pursuing her second grad degree because she does not like her current line if work. I have been nothing but supportive of her education and aspirations. But, I swear, she will surprise me if she has the courage to find a job in her newly chosen field -- if such exist (I'm the bad guy, asking at the beginning, what the job market for that degree is). Recently she tells me the house is so bad, she can't finish her independent study project for a professor - blaming me (and the kids) again! I get nothing but grief. Now, she heaps grief upon grief. Last night, I headed to bead at 3:00 am., having gotten back from the grocers at 1:30. She got in the tub, with her vodka, running the water off and on (which I normally think nothing of, but she through a fit the other day when D13 did the same at about 9:30AM). I had trouble falling asleep. Was looking for ear plugs when she came out of the bath, apparently ready for bed. I asked if she was coming right to bed. She said yes, and walked away. I thought ok, I'll just get back in bed. Twenty minutes later, I holler (not loudly, not angrily) "Hello?" She comes up a few minutes later explaining she was just cooling off downstairs. I said I thought you were coming to bed, and my mind was keeping me awake thinking you'd be back any minute. (It's about 6:00 am, btw). Well, apparently my one "hello" half asleep was a mortal sin. Any attempt to point out the bath noise was annoying to her, so why can't it keep me awake too -- well I guess I'm just a d1ck. Almost immediately she said she wanted a separation. I told her I don't do separations -- file for divorce if that's what you want. She started talking as if I'd be the one moving out. I clarified that I would not. Dhe said shed take the kids and get an appartment. i told her thats not how it works. The the wrath increased "This place would fall down around you. You eat at McDonald's every day, are you going to feed them that? What about holidays (makes me livid, I always ask how I can help with presents, and she insists she is doing it just fine - I even warn her "are you sure, because I don't want you to come back later and say...", well, what she just said. So I get in a good point, I think, about "like Father's Day"? (She shouted that I am an as$hole, with the kids in the house, all because I suggested she see some sort of counselor after she just told me that she saw her only two options as leaving or killing herself. (I didn't say it in a mean way, and I h ave said multiple times even if I am to blame for everything, she has anger and resentment that I cannot help her with and she is not addressing on her own.)). So, her answer about Father's Day: that I deserved to be called an as$hole. Maybe, well not really, but I am damn certain D10 didn't deserve to hear that when she was downstairs working on the "surprise" breakfast In bed for her dad. I am nuts for taking this sort of sh1t for so long. A couple of days ago I read my journals from 20 years ago when we started dating. I saw it happening then. I pretended it could get better, and I struggled because I didn't know it was not normal. I'm a f'ing idiot in a way. But no more, Right now, it seems like all that remains are the logistics of ending the marriage, and the pain for all involved. Thanks for listening. Sorry to be so negative, maybe I will feel better later. But part of me hopes not -- the only way I will extract myself from her is if I force me eyes wide open, and call it what it feels like it is is. Here is my other thread, now finished: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-mar...eeds-vent.html

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979