Inexcusable

I believe myself to be a rational person. So why did I do such a terrible, irrational act? I can't answer that myself. I have a few explanations (not excuses, since my actions are inexcusable). My wife and I have known each other for more than 10 years. We met in college, fell in love, and got married 6 years ago. We have had our share of marital problems. me, with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (especially related to hygiene issues), and she suffers from a condition known as Vaginismuss (it's painful for her to have sex). But she's been making a herculean effort to make herself get better, and she is. We've never really had sex. Penetration was achieved only once in our marriage. As I write this, I think some may take this to believe that I am rationalizing my actions. I am not. I love my wife. I find her to be the most beautiful, kindest, most supportive human being I know. Cheating is cheating. And that's that. I think it started a few years ago. My wife and I went on a vacation to Thailand. We spent several days at a resort. And we got massages (together). That's when I got into the whole massage scene. During that trip, I went to a seedy joint to get a massage (having heard of "happy endings" etc). I've been fascinated by seedy joints where the flesh trade happens. It started off as an academic interest, but now i have a problem. I went to two and got massages from both. No happy ending though. They offered. i refused. I couldn't let another woman ejaculate me, since I thought it unfair to my wife (see the irony: i could let another woman touch me, brush against my privates even - but i drew the line at getting a HJ/BJ etc without my wife knowing it. which means i secretly wanted to do it) Anyways, I told my wife about this when I came back to the hotel, and suggested that she accompany me to the same place, and see how a massage was given, along with a HJ, and maybe we could replicate the same at home - sort of enhancing our sex life. She was not happy. She was hurt that I would let another woman give me a HJ. I was upset at having made her cry. And so that plan got shelved. When we got back home to our city, things went back to normal. We both forgot about it. I did get a few massages, but they were with my wife's consent. She didn't like another woman touching me, but she knew they relaxed me, so she seemed ok. They all happened at upscale spas, so there was no issue really. But my fascination with the seedier side of this continued to haunt me. I started looking for seedy joints. I found some on the internet, and paid them a visit. Just massages. Nothing else. Was offered a HJ once, and I declined. Told my wife about it, and she scolded me. She said if I wanted a massage, then I should just go to the regular spa (which was kosher). But again, I didn't listen. This past weekend, we had a fight. I was angry with her. I was also trying to quit smoking, so the withdrawal made it even worse. She apologized to me, said she'd make things better. I listened, then stormed out. And I went to a seedy joint again. Got a massage. Then I recalled hearing about massage parlor nearby, which was quite famous online for the extras they offered. I decided to give it a try. Being in seedy places excited me, I guess. Being somewhere I wasn't supposed to be brought out the horny 16 year old in me (I'm 31 now). So I got there. This place masquerading as a hair dressing salon. And I was let in. The receptionist let me chose a girl and sent me into a massage room. I asked the girl for the "extras" available. She gave a list: intercourse, HJ, BJ etc etc. I chose a topless, body to body massage. And changed into my boxers. She started to massage me, rubbing herself on my body. She bloody well asked if I was married, and I said no, I wasn't. I said no! She was topless, and wearing tights. She got on top of me and started grinding. Please excuse the explicitness of this post, but I have to give details so that people can offer some specific advice. I touched her breasts, and her bum. She bit my nipple and ear. She kept prodding me on to take the "intercourse" option. I declined again and again. I couldn't bring myself to do it. She grabbed my penis, and tried to sell a HJ or BJ. I did not accept. The session ended. I paid. I left. I came home, showered. I told my about getting a massage, but nothing else. She was sad even to hear this. We spent a good evening together. She was totally oblivious to what happened. But it kept weighing on me. This was a new low. I went to a prostitute, for goodness' sake! I prayed, asked for strength to tell her. Yesterday I told her. About 30 hours after the deed, I told her what I did. And needless to say, my world fell apart. I genuinely believe I am not a bad person. But I did a terrible thing. I hurt the person whom I love unconditionally with all of my being; for whom i'd be willing to die without the slightest hesitation. She is my soul mate. But I spat on all that. She's hurt. She said that I was too busy with work for the past few months, and couldn't make time for her. When she wanted to practice her exercises with me for her condition (which will lead to her being able to have pain-free sex), I always made excuses. I was busy. Or my compulsions regarding hygiene wouldn't let me, that it would be stressful for me. So what the f*** happened? How did I find time to go to a prostitute? How did my hygiene compulsions let me go to a brothel? She's feeling inadequate now. She feels like she drove me there. Can you believe it? She's feeling guilty. And she ca't trust me anymore. But she's not to blame. The mistake was mine. I could not expect more from any person than what she has done for me. If I were to spend my entire life as her slave, I still cannot repay a fraction of all that she has done for me. So why did I do this? I don't know. I don't understand what I did or how. I'm beginning to see that this was a habit which I didn't notice, and didn't try to (didn't want to) stop. I've promised myself that I have stopped now. I hope it's not too late. I hope she forgives me, and that I can make amends with her. I slipped - no, I heaved off a cliff with this one. I used to abuse those who cheated on their spouses. I used to look down on those who went to brothels. Now I am one of them. How do I fix this? I know wallowing in self pity is not going to accomplish anything. I need to fix us. What do I do?

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