I wanted to offer some saving advice, given to me from my long time counselor, that sadly I ignored. Everyone knows my story by now, so I won't rehash anything, this is to help others avoid this from happening. She told me this 4 years ago and reaffirmed it recently. Here are some important points:
Marriage will always take two, has to always come first & is a full time endeavor. Before job, children, hobbies etc. As soon as it falls from the top spot, you are in trouble.
Sex is the marriage barometer. If the sex is great & frequent, the marriage will remain strong. Sex is the glue that bonds you together, when problems arise and sex takes a hit, again, you are in trouble. If you don't like sex, don't get married!
When problems arise and they will, we're all human, and only one spouse is willing to sacrifice all to fix things while the other shows little or no interest, the marriage is doomed to fail. This falls in line with point #1.
Intimate communication must exist. If all you talk about is your job, TV shows or spend all your free time on line and avoid subjects relevant to your marriage, especially very personal ones, you are in trouble.
Marriage can never be put on "autopilot". It can't take care of itself, it needs constant feeding.
If these points are not met, here is what will happen:
PHASE 1- Renovation phase- You will struggle to make things work
and even try and adapt to their ways, over your own
preferences.
PHASE 2- Retaliation phase- Resentment, bitterness and possible
hurtful words occur here. You also begin losing confidence
self esteem & personal security, the longer you stay in this
phase.
PHASE 3- Rejection phase- This is the "point of no return".
Emotional separation or divorce occurs. If you choose to
stay, once you've reached this level, it will be just about
impossible to leave, due to losing your complete emotional
self, and all confidence. You will surrender to your misery.
The best advice I can give, from experience, is to end the relationship after a short try in phase 1. Once it falls completely on your shoulders, your chances of survival are minimum.
Two people either want to be married, with everything that goes with it, or they don't. There is no "pick and choose" here, it's all or none.
I wish everyone the best and I hope this helps someone else.
Marriage will always take two, has to always come first & is a full time endeavor. Before job, children, hobbies etc. As soon as it falls from the top spot, you are in trouble.
Sex is the marriage barometer. If the sex is great & frequent, the marriage will remain strong. Sex is the glue that bonds you together, when problems arise and sex takes a hit, again, you are in trouble. If you don't like sex, don't get married!
When problems arise and they will, we're all human, and only one spouse is willing to sacrifice all to fix things while the other shows little or no interest, the marriage is doomed to fail. This falls in line with point #1.
Intimate communication must exist. If all you talk about is your job, TV shows or spend all your free time on line and avoid subjects relevant to your marriage, especially very personal ones, you are in trouble.
Marriage can never be put on "autopilot". It can't take care of itself, it needs constant feeding.
If these points are not met, here is what will happen:
PHASE 1- Renovation phase- You will struggle to make things work
and even try and adapt to their ways, over your own
preferences.
PHASE 2- Retaliation phase- Resentment, bitterness and possible
hurtful words occur here. You also begin losing confidence
self esteem & personal security, the longer you stay in this
phase.
PHASE 3- Rejection phase- This is the "point of no return".
Emotional separation or divorce occurs. If you choose to
stay, once you've reached this level, it will be just about
impossible to leave, due to losing your complete emotional
self, and all confidence. You will surrender to your misery.
The best advice I can give, from experience, is to end the relationship after a short try in phase 1. Once it falls completely on your shoulders, your chances of survival are minimum.
Two people either want to be married, with everything that goes with it, or they don't. There is no "pick and choose" here, it's all or none.
I wish everyone the best and I hope this helps someone else.
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