I just wanted to catch up with the good folks here as it has been a while and I had allsorts going on and life pains hitting. I kind of left that behind as it fell back as I was dealing with myself and there is a huge amount to add to the thread that would make war and peace look like a pulp fiction, I looked at the wall of text I had written and it is a serial novel!!
So a quick update, I did the holiday she made it VERY clear there was no going back and she was single, as I am very aware the local gents on the island working shifts (that's about 5 or 6, small island, no population other than tourists) became to know.
Fast forward back home we live a long way apart, which in all honesty made life easier, out of sight out of mind.
We text and then text a little more, and as it transpires life was not so green on the other side, sure she had attention from men, it made her feel good, but she couldn't cope with it, as it would seem they were after one thing, and she wasn't despite her original suggestions, no money living with family, bereavement, depression, drastic weight loss and ill health, plus a very serious case of midlife crisis, turning 40 in two months and a grandchild just before. (step grandchild to me) and not willing to accept or want either.
We talk some more, it is on good friends terms and regular, although may I say I never once originated any text conversation, she has done the starting every time.
Talk comes to reconciliation, but it is 100% her terms, to do this it would mean me leaving my job and place I love, to leaving the country even, and us being just us two the kids second place. My heart says yes, my brain says no.
I take her stuff down to her at my cost (yes I know!!) a thousand mile round trip in two days, whilst there we talk, we get along and reconciliation is only an okay away (and a relocation and loss of job, home etc) I set off home, later we text I agree with why difficulties behind not going for it are there, and we are understanding each other.
Ok with me so far? So then she feels comfortable that we have agreed on this, as she was unable to move on until it was sure we would not be together, Okay. Next day she lets me know (in all honesty being fair) that this guy who has been asking her for a date since we split, and she being pushing away she has agreed to date (he is in his 50's get that!!). I say wish you well out of courtesy.
So here I am feeling it for all the life is worth and just wanting to turn to what I can.
I feel guilty for not just jumping in and giving it a go, I feel I have let "us "down and lost the last chance, and I have spiralled in the last few days.
I feel I want to isolate myself from the human race. I have cried when awake and alone, which given I have slept less than 2 hours a night since the weekend is a lot of time, I feel a huge sense of loss, and worse still paranoia that I am being laughed at, smirked upon, this older guy chasing her down and laughing at me that he got there, people seeing me as a loser, look what I have lost, I believing that to be the case. Last couple of days I have been all over the place not able to think straight, thinking of her, I feel I will never have such love again, don't wish to ever consider or look for it, I simply can't, and it sure as hell will never come to me, and my biggest pain is I feel so desperately alone in person. Saying that I am not knocking my daughter she is just fantastic (and knows nothing of my current thoughts), but just an adult touch, to hold on a night, I feel in such a state that I wish for but also fear being a recluse. I just don't want to face people in pe rson, I see little point, it feels like there is only one road and that is I will get hurt.
I am really hitting a low and feel comfort in putting it out to folks is all.
So a quick update, I did the holiday she made it VERY clear there was no going back and she was single, as I am very aware the local gents on the island working shifts (that's about 5 or 6, small island, no population other than tourists) became to know.
Fast forward back home we live a long way apart, which in all honesty made life easier, out of sight out of mind.
We text and then text a little more, and as it transpires life was not so green on the other side, sure she had attention from men, it made her feel good, but she couldn't cope with it, as it would seem they were after one thing, and she wasn't despite her original suggestions, no money living with family, bereavement, depression, drastic weight loss and ill health, plus a very serious case of midlife crisis, turning 40 in two months and a grandchild just before. (step grandchild to me) and not willing to accept or want either.
We talk some more, it is on good friends terms and regular, although may I say I never once originated any text conversation, she has done the starting every time.
Talk comes to reconciliation, but it is 100% her terms, to do this it would mean me leaving my job and place I love, to leaving the country even, and us being just us two the kids second place. My heart says yes, my brain says no.
I take her stuff down to her at my cost (yes I know!!) a thousand mile round trip in two days, whilst there we talk, we get along and reconciliation is only an okay away (and a relocation and loss of job, home etc) I set off home, later we text I agree with why difficulties behind not going for it are there, and we are understanding each other.
Ok with me so far? So then she feels comfortable that we have agreed on this, as she was unable to move on until it was sure we would not be together, Okay. Next day she lets me know (in all honesty being fair) that this guy who has been asking her for a date since we split, and she being pushing away she has agreed to date (he is in his 50's get that!!). I say wish you well out of courtesy.
So here I am feeling it for all the life is worth and just wanting to turn to what I can.
I feel guilty for not just jumping in and giving it a go, I feel I have let "us "down and lost the last chance, and I have spiralled in the last few days.
I feel I want to isolate myself from the human race. I have cried when awake and alone, which given I have slept less than 2 hours a night since the weekend is a lot of time, I feel a huge sense of loss, and worse still paranoia that I am being laughed at, smirked upon, this older guy chasing her down and laughing at me that he got there, people seeing me as a loser, look what I have lost, I believing that to be the case. Last couple of days I have been all over the place not able to think straight, thinking of her, I feel I will never have such love again, don't wish to ever consider or look for it, I simply can't, and it sure as hell will never come to me, and my biggest pain is I feel so desperately alone in person. Saying that I am not knocking my daughter she is just fantastic (and knows nothing of my current thoughts), but just an adult touch, to hold on a night, I feel in such a state that I wish for but also fear being a recluse. I just don't want to face people in pe rson, I see little point, it feels like there is only one road and that is I will get hurt.
I am really hitting a low and feel comfort in putting it out to folks is all.
Put the internet to work for you.
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