I don't have time now to post my complete story but here's the short version:
Found out in late 2007 that my W had been having A for three years with someone known to me. I confronted OM and W. A ended. Some details are known to me but many are not.
Approximately 2 years before that A, W had a ONS during a girls trip to Vegas and subsequent EA with same OM, though my wife denies that it was anything more than "talk" and that nothing happened in Vegas.
I have not sought D because I didn't want to put my kids through it; because my parents divorced when I was very young and I vowed to myself that I would not do that to my kids; because a D would have serious adverse financial consequences; and because I would feel like a failure if I gave up on my M.
The last ~8 years have been up and down. Pretty good on the surface but with unresolved issues beneath.
So, what brings me here now is that a week ago W casually mentioned that she is going on a girls weekend to Atlantic City with the same people that were with her in Vegas, one of whom is also her best friend who was aware of my Ws 3-year A (and enabled in my opinion).
My W's announcement instantly took the wind out of my sails. I wasn't angry but it was a major trigger and immediately took me on an unwanted trip down Memory Lane. I stopped speaking with my W (and she, in turn, with me) and have lost all interest in thinking about our future together. After a couple of days I told her what effect her comments had had on me. She had no response. Since then our talk has consisted of normal household chit-chat, kid stuff etc.
My question is, how after all these years can I engage my W - a champion non-talker - in a discussion about things that I need in order to move on? Making matters worse, the main issue is sex. Basically I need to know why she did things with OM that she won't do with me, why she claims to be "not really into sex" but managed to sneak away from our family and drive an hour away to have sex with OM, why she told a friend that if I knew the things she did with OM that I would never touch her again - yet tells me she can't remember what those things are, why she looked at OM (out of shape) with a lustful eye but doesn't even glance at me when I get out of the shower. And so on.
I feel like I should have kicked her out in 2007 and made her demonstrate that she was truly remorseful but I didn't. I would like to think that D is not my only option but I don't know if I can hang in there for the duration feeling like my W gave the best of herself sexually to other people and has nothing left for me.
Any thoughts on how to bring this up after 8 years without my W feeling like I'm living in the past? We have a long history of me talking and her not responding so I would love to get my point across as quickly as possible. Something like:
I know you think that everything is fine but it's not. I don't want to continue living with someone who "just isn't into" me. I'm pissed at myself that I've settled for that for the last 8 years and I'm not doing it any longer.
Thoughts?
Found out in late 2007 that my W had been having A for three years with someone known to me. I confronted OM and W. A ended. Some details are known to me but many are not.
Approximately 2 years before that A, W had a ONS during a girls trip to Vegas and subsequent EA with same OM, though my wife denies that it was anything more than "talk" and that nothing happened in Vegas.
I have not sought D because I didn't want to put my kids through it; because my parents divorced when I was very young and I vowed to myself that I would not do that to my kids; because a D would have serious adverse financial consequences; and because I would feel like a failure if I gave up on my M.
The last ~8 years have been up and down. Pretty good on the surface but with unresolved issues beneath.
So, what brings me here now is that a week ago W casually mentioned that she is going on a girls weekend to Atlantic City with the same people that were with her in Vegas, one of whom is also her best friend who was aware of my Ws 3-year A (and enabled in my opinion).
My W's announcement instantly took the wind out of my sails. I wasn't angry but it was a major trigger and immediately took me on an unwanted trip down Memory Lane. I stopped speaking with my W (and she, in turn, with me) and have lost all interest in thinking about our future together. After a couple of days I told her what effect her comments had had on me. She had no response. Since then our talk has consisted of normal household chit-chat, kid stuff etc.
My question is, how after all these years can I engage my W - a champion non-talker - in a discussion about things that I need in order to move on? Making matters worse, the main issue is sex. Basically I need to know why she did things with OM that she won't do with me, why she claims to be "not really into sex" but managed to sneak away from our family and drive an hour away to have sex with OM, why she told a friend that if I knew the things she did with OM that I would never touch her again - yet tells me she can't remember what those things are, why she looked at OM (out of shape) with a lustful eye but doesn't even glance at me when I get out of the shower. And so on.
I feel like I should have kicked her out in 2007 and made her demonstrate that she was truly remorseful but I didn't. I would like to think that D is not my only option but I don't know if I can hang in there for the duration feeling like my W gave the best of herself sexually to other people and has nothing left for me.
Any thoughts on how to bring this up after 8 years without my W feeling like I'm living in the past? We have a long history of me talking and her not responding so I would love to get my point across as quickly as possible. Something like:
I know you think that everything is fine but it's not. I don't want to continue living with someone who "just isn't into" me. I'm pissed at myself that I've settled for that for the last 8 years and I'm not doing it any longer.
Thoughts?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment