I've been doing little posts here and there, because I was hoping to get into the secure area, but I can't wait it out, I'm afraid. So welcome to acronym city. Not sure if I'll do it right.
So hello! Married 5 years. She early 30's, me late 40's. We have 2 internationally adopted SN kids and I have two bios from previous marriage that I support.
W has a best friend (let's call her "Hope") who's currently getting a D, and Hope's H is accusing her of a L relationship w/ my W.
W's mother is also going through a D.
My W and Hope have gotten intensely closer over the years although they live on opposite coasts. Maybe 80 texts a day, daily phone calls, skypes, FB and I-gram likes and shares all day long. They call themselves "life partners, but platonic (P-L-P) [<--- if you mention that please keep hyphens, as they search for the acronym all the time, to see if there is anybody else using it (there isn't)]. They even have giant "P-L-P" stickers on their cars (W had them made, and sent one to Hope).
They've also just opened a bank account together. "To save for a vacation." They have at least two vacations planned for 2016.
They're both quite attractive, Hope probably moreso. Only mentioning that, because I do believe my W is completely infatuated with Hope, and I don't think it's reciprocated quite as intensely. Not unrequited, but W is just way way into Hope.
The relationship between W and me is terrible. We went through 2 years of couples therapy, and got nowhere. We never had a healthy sexual relationship. W barely touches me during sex. Never at all into it. Never lays a hand on me any other time ... well, maybe 5 times over 6 1/2 years she's reached out and touched me in any small way.
Her love language is Act of Service/Gifts. Mine is Physical Touch. She admits denying me sex when she is mad at me, which can go on for months. She says she learned that from Hope.
We are fighting quite often, about everything. We had an "in-house" separation for the entire summer, then somehow we got on a decent track and got along for a solid week. Sex 3 times in one week! Fighting again now, though.
She's a solid type A personality, always furiously knocking out tasks. Busy ... running around ... running from something it often seems? She also got a couple horses last spring. They are outside right now, and get lots of her time and attention.
We both work full time and can pay all our bills including her huge 100k student loan debt. But she takes big freelance assignments to pay for horses and other things she wants (said vacations, tattoos, horse barns and fences, etc.). This takes up just about every waking hour that isn't devoted to the kids (who are SN). She refuses to back off of the freelance work, because she loves her horses and loves Hope, and wants to take special trips with Hope, like she did "before we got married." At the end of the day, she is exhausted, sends one final "love you" text to Hope, takes an Ambien and passes out.
She's told me she no longer believes in the institution of marriage. That it is "just a stupid piece of paper," "guys are only in it for the sex," and she feels closer to Hope than to me. ("If you asked me to choose between you and Hope ... well, don't ever ask me that question.") She feels Hope could take better care of our kids than I could (Hope also has internationally adopted SN kids, that's how they first met, oversees). She says if we D, she will never remarry ... will be a "spinster ... but hopefully with Hope."
W likes to put our priorities into hierarchies:
Me:
myself
her
bio kids
adopted kids
Her:
God
adopted kids
me/Hope (a tie, at least on paper!)
herself
She's been reading the new Maria Bello book ("Whatever ... Love is Love"), little bits at a time, all summer, more intensely during times we are fighting. In fact, every photo she sends to Hope, she hashtags with that book title.
She is constantly on her laptop, positioned where I can't see, mostly for texting/skyping Hope. But the other day I caught a glimpse of her screen, opened to this Advocate article:
#27BiStories: Why a Bisexual's Sexual Orientation Is Still Important Even If They're in a Relationship | Advocate.com
She's been accused of being a L her whole life, she's told me. Categorizing people by their clothing style or mannerisms is not me at all. But people find her to be very "tom-boyish." Whatever. I love tough women, covered in mud. But somehow the other night we got to talking about her intense friendship with Hope and bisexuality came up. She staunchly denied it. Very intense protesteth-too-much denial. She was raised in a very conservative gay-is-wrong home. She said to me "I knew it. I was just waiting for you to accuse me of being a L." I assured her I didn't think she was a L. But I had "just never seen a friendship as intense as this, where it is more important than marriage." W liked to think that was an opportunity to highlight the weakness of our marriage, as opposed to the intense friendship. I said "giving love, and hopefully getting some back, is a privilege in this world, and something to cherish. But it shouldn't be more important than our marriage." She said I wa s wrong, that our marriage will never be as strong and intense as her relationship with Hope.
Primarily, I want her to be true to herself (and I think she is not really sure who she really is yet.) Then maybe other things will start to fall into place. That place will probably not involve being married to me, but at least she'll be happy. And I won't feel like I'm as much of a problem for her as I do now.
She says if we split up, Hope and her kids will likely move in here with her. She desperately wants to keep our house and land. It's a fantastic property. One wildcard in all of this will be if Hope starts to date, or gets married again. She loves men, and loves the power she has over men. I've seen it many times. "No, Hope will never get married again," W assures me.
I've been trying to get more involved with W. Started going to her church. I'm not really a believer, but I happily go and she likes it. I've joined a men's discussion group there, too. I told them all of the above. They think it amounts to "psychological abuse" and have urged me to get back into therapy. I'm starting with a new "life coach" this weekend. W can't go to this one, but says she will try to go in the future.
So with the best friend's D and mom's D, W probably, understandably, has a lot of man hatred going on right now. But ... last night I asked her if she wanted to stay married. She said "if you asked me a month ago i would have said no way. Now, I don't know."
I love her, I'm wildly physically attracted to her, and was pretty intellectually into her before it all seemed to go to hell this last year. But this feels really wrong, moreso every day. I will be financially crucified in another D, but it seems to be a no-brainer.
So any initial thoughts as to what this looks like from the outside, from all of that disjointed info?
That was so long, and took hours to write, sorry : o
So hello! Married 5 years. She early 30's, me late 40's. We have 2 internationally adopted SN kids and I have two bios from previous marriage that I support.
W has a best friend (let's call her "Hope") who's currently getting a D, and Hope's H is accusing her of a L relationship w/ my W.
W's mother is also going through a D.
My W and Hope have gotten intensely closer over the years although they live on opposite coasts. Maybe 80 texts a day, daily phone calls, skypes, FB and I-gram likes and shares all day long. They call themselves "life partners, but platonic (P-L-P) [<--- if you mention that please keep hyphens, as they search for the acronym all the time, to see if there is anybody else using it (there isn't)]. They even have giant "P-L-P" stickers on their cars (W had them made, and sent one to Hope).
They've also just opened a bank account together. "To save for a vacation." They have at least two vacations planned for 2016.
They're both quite attractive, Hope probably moreso. Only mentioning that, because I do believe my W is completely infatuated with Hope, and I don't think it's reciprocated quite as intensely. Not unrequited, but W is just way way into Hope.
The relationship between W and me is terrible. We went through 2 years of couples therapy, and got nowhere. We never had a healthy sexual relationship. W barely touches me during sex. Never at all into it. Never lays a hand on me any other time ... well, maybe 5 times over 6 1/2 years she's reached out and touched me in any small way.
Her love language is Act of Service/Gifts. Mine is Physical Touch. She admits denying me sex when she is mad at me, which can go on for months. She says she learned that from Hope.
We are fighting quite often, about everything. We had an "in-house" separation for the entire summer, then somehow we got on a decent track and got along for a solid week. Sex 3 times in one week! Fighting again now, though.
She's a solid type A personality, always furiously knocking out tasks. Busy ... running around ... running from something it often seems? She also got a couple horses last spring. They are outside right now, and get lots of her time and attention.
We both work full time and can pay all our bills including her huge 100k student loan debt. But she takes big freelance assignments to pay for horses and other things she wants (said vacations, tattoos, horse barns and fences, etc.). This takes up just about every waking hour that isn't devoted to the kids (who are SN). She refuses to back off of the freelance work, because she loves her horses and loves Hope, and wants to take special trips with Hope, like she did "before we got married." At the end of the day, she is exhausted, sends one final "love you" text to Hope, takes an Ambien and passes out.
She's told me she no longer believes in the institution of marriage. That it is "just a stupid piece of paper," "guys are only in it for the sex," and she feels closer to Hope than to me. ("If you asked me to choose between you and Hope ... well, don't ever ask me that question.") She feels Hope could take better care of our kids than I could (Hope also has internationally adopted SN kids, that's how they first met, oversees). She says if we D, she will never remarry ... will be a "spinster ... but hopefully with Hope."
W likes to put our priorities into hierarchies:
Me:
myself
her
bio kids
adopted kids
Her:
God
adopted kids
me/Hope (a tie, at least on paper!)
herself
She's been reading the new Maria Bello book ("Whatever ... Love is Love"), little bits at a time, all summer, more intensely during times we are fighting. In fact, every photo she sends to Hope, she hashtags with that book title.
She is constantly on her laptop, positioned where I can't see, mostly for texting/skyping Hope. But the other day I caught a glimpse of her screen, opened to this Advocate article:
#27BiStories: Why a Bisexual's Sexual Orientation Is Still Important Even If They're in a Relationship | Advocate.com
She's been accused of being a L her whole life, she's told me. Categorizing people by their clothing style or mannerisms is not me at all. But people find her to be very "tom-boyish." Whatever. I love tough women, covered in mud. But somehow the other night we got to talking about her intense friendship with Hope and bisexuality came up. She staunchly denied it. Very intense protesteth-too-much denial. She was raised in a very conservative gay-is-wrong home. She said to me "I knew it. I was just waiting for you to accuse me of being a L." I assured her I didn't think she was a L. But I had "just never seen a friendship as intense as this, where it is more important than marriage." W liked to think that was an opportunity to highlight the weakness of our marriage, as opposed to the intense friendship. I said "giving love, and hopefully getting some back, is a privilege in this world, and something to cherish. But it shouldn't be more important than our marriage." She said I wa s wrong, that our marriage will never be as strong and intense as her relationship with Hope.
Primarily, I want her to be true to herself (and I think she is not really sure who she really is yet.) Then maybe other things will start to fall into place. That place will probably not involve being married to me, but at least she'll be happy. And I won't feel like I'm as much of a problem for her as I do now.
She says if we split up, Hope and her kids will likely move in here with her. She desperately wants to keep our house and land. It's a fantastic property. One wildcard in all of this will be if Hope starts to date, or gets married again. She loves men, and loves the power she has over men. I've seen it many times. "No, Hope will never get married again," W assures me.
I've been trying to get more involved with W. Started going to her church. I'm not really a believer, but I happily go and she likes it. I've joined a men's discussion group there, too. I told them all of the above. They think it amounts to "psychological abuse" and have urged me to get back into therapy. I'm starting with a new "life coach" this weekend. W can't go to this one, but says she will try to go in the future.
So with the best friend's D and mom's D, W probably, understandably, has a lot of man hatred going on right now. But ... last night I asked her if she wanted to stay married. She said "if you asked me a month ago i would have said no way. Now, I don't know."
I love her, I'm wildly physically attracted to her, and was pretty intellectually into her before it all seemed to go to hell this last year. But this feels really wrong, moreso every day. I will be financially crucified in another D, but it seems to be a no-brainer.
So any initial thoughts as to what this looks like from the outside, from all of that disjointed info?
That was so long, and took hours to write, sorry : o
Put the internet to work for you.
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