Need advice: a spark over my bio daughter (my wife's stepdaughter) lit a lot of "dry wood" on fire last week. Dry wood meaning the relationship is high volatility. My blood pressure is surging just from writing this. Tensions are high - communications are low. Pride and egos very high between us. Quick background (you'll just have to take my word): I'm expressly laid back and easy going (seen as weak). She's Anger/rage prone. There's subtle disrespect and repeat but infrequent rage with name calling on her part. Boundaries I've set about that have been over stepped repeatedly but infrequently. She wants to dominate me (I feel) and can be abrasive all too often. All too often critical... (Menopause may be a factor). Married 4 years - we're in our 50's. Shows no outward affection but I knew that going in (baggage I though I could "fix/erase")... I guess that's bad enough...
Problem: 1) she thinks/says my mid 20's, out on her own, bio daughter is "disrespectful" and therefore she wants me to ban her from the home (her home I don't own on paper but live in and share mortgage on). 2) I'm not seeing the "disrespect". I'm seeing a daughter having trouble adjusting to and struggling with an a controlling person. 3) daughter thusly admitted she didn't like wife AT FIRST but has (recently) come to know her better - there's been some kumbaya chants. 4) suspect wife is somewhat insecure/jealous - thought/suggestion enrages her. 5) first time this came up I was asked/expected to "choose between she or daughter". 5) love the wife though the bad times are (or seem) bad... 6) daughter and wife are never unaccompanied so I don't get the assertions.
Q: what's the right thing to do? If you know your child isn't being disrespect would you shun them? I don't think I can tell my daughter she's banned from our home. 2) if I did I wouldn't be able to sleep and it would almost certainly drive a wedge with daughter. 3) suggested wife take the high road on the perceived disrespect during the rare visits we have and correct when deemed necessary. Seems bent on getting her way but more so - on my demonstrating the depth of my allegiance by shunning my daughter.
Lastly I will say (and again you'll just have to believe me): I'm a doting husband - not perfect but "a good man" many might say - a gentleman. Don't understand why she would feel insecure although the baggege contains self-esteem and bad childhood "garments"...
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Problem: 1) she thinks/says my mid 20's, out on her own, bio daughter is "disrespectful" and therefore she wants me to ban her from the home (her home I don't own on paper but live in and share mortgage on). 2) I'm not seeing the "disrespect". I'm seeing a daughter having trouble adjusting to and struggling with an a controlling person. 3) daughter thusly admitted she didn't like wife AT FIRST but has (recently) come to know her better - there's been some kumbaya chants. 4) suspect wife is somewhat insecure/jealous - thought/suggestion enrages her. 5) first time this came up I was asked/expected to "choose between she or daughter". 5) love the wife though the bad times are (or seem) bad... 6) daughter and wife are never unaccompanied so I don't get the assertions.
Q: what's the right thing to do? If you know your child isn't being disrespect would you shun them? I don't think I can tell my daughter she's banned from our home. 2) if I did I wouldn't be able to sleep and it would almost certainly drive a wedge with daughter. 3) suggested wife take the high road on the perceived disrespect during the rare visits we have and correct when deemed necessary. Seems bent on getting her way but more so - on my demonstrating the depth of my allegiance by shunning my daughter.
Lastly I will say (and again you'll just have to believe me): I'm a doting husband - not perfect but "a good man" many might say - a gentleman. Don't understand why she would feel insecure although the baggege contains self-esteem and bad childhood "garments"...
Posted via Mobile Device
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