I've struggled with depression for most of my life, I have ADD, and I strongly suspect that I have Asperger's Syndrome (which is to say that I have no doubt, and my current doctor thinks it very likely, but a formal diagnosis is still in progress). So needless to say I've got issues. They caused major problems in my marriage and were a significant part of why we divorced. They've also caused a lot of damage in my career and limited my long-term financial prospects.
In April I had an incident with my son for which I am totally ashamed. I'd been missing my anti-depressants for three or four days because I was between refills, I wasn't sleeping much because of long work hours, and I totally lost my temper on my son.
He was in one of his moods where he's angry and combative, and wouldn't go to bed and kept yelling that I couldn't tell him what to do, etc. Not fun, but nothing I haven't dealt with before. Probably for the reasons cited above, I felt myself getting angrier and angrier, and I couldn't seem to calm down. I called my ex and asked her to please come get him, because I couldn't seem to get my anger in check. She told me to deal with it, which I absolutely should have. I didn't.
I lost my 5h1t and hit him with my dress shoe, several times. Enough to leave him with bruises and a bloody nose. When I saw the blood I immediately snapped out of it, horrified, and went into make-it-better mode. I kept telling him this was my fault, not his, and I never should have done this. I called my ex and told her what happened, then I drove my son home.
Please understand, I'm not a violent person, at ALL. What limited corporeal punishment I had ever used was stopped years ago, for many different reasons. I've never, EVER done anything like that, and I am more ashamed of what I did to him than anything else in my life. I'll carry that to my grave, and I DESERVE to do so.
After I left her house, my ex brought my son to the ER because his nose had started bleeding again and he was complaining of a headache (I had stopped the nosebleed before taking him home). He was photographed in the ER, and the authorities were notified, as they should have been.
The next day I called around and immediately set myself up for anger management counseling and group therapy sessions. This was before I ever spoke to anyone from the state. I received a call from child protective services, and I told them everything that happened, as it happened. I didn't lie, and I didn't deny. I was later called by an investigator from the sheriff's department, and I met with him on my own, with no lawyer, and told him everything that happened. The next week I had a home visit from the CPS case worker, and we again discussed everything honestly and frankly. I signed the paperwork that I was getting counseling, and she put in her notes that she saw it as a one-time situation. The criminal investigator said the same thing.
My ex got a temporary restraining order against me, taking away my 50% custody rights and blocking me from contacting or accessing the kids. This is what she should have done, what I would have done if the situation was reversed. I complied with the order 100% from the start.
Where we got into issues was in trying to set up supervised visitation. She wanted her parents to be the ones to supervise, at their house, and I said I'd prefer a mutual friend. I have no local family anymore (thanks to Katrina, among other things) and didn't feel comfortable being in what I felt was hostile territory. We selected a mutual friend, who then turned out not to be able to do it.
Because we couldn't agree on the visitation setup, and because I had immediately acted to get treatment and was diligent about my meds every day, I decided that when it came time for the hearing on whether the order should continue I was going to argue against the entire thing and ask for it to be removed. As I had been with CPS and with the criminal investigator, I was completely honest with the judge, told her what happened and why I think it happened. I took full responsibility for it in open court, under oath.
I lost that fight. The court left the order in place until the first week of October, so that I could complete a course of anger management therapy. Legally, I cannot see my kids unsupervised until that order is lifted.
Here's the thing, though: my ex has never followed the order. She's routinely sent my son and the other kids to my apartment to spend time with me alone, she's allowed me to visit them unsupervised in her home, and she's let me take them on outings by myself. There hasn't been a single incident with any of them in dozens of visits since the order was put in place. I've stayed in therapy, and I've stayed on my meds. If I've run out of meds, I kept away from the kids and my ex until I got new doses and everything was on an even keel.
At the end of June she had the option of asking the court to lift the order. She didn't tell me this until the third week of July, because she claimed she was testing me to see how it would work out. When she finally did tell me, I got angry with her and we had a verbal fight. I felt like she should have told me I was being tested to see if the order should lift, that I had a right to know.
Because of that fight, she didn't lift the order. It's on the books until October.
The state hasn't pressed charges against me, though they could. In fact, my testimony alone is enough for a felony conviction if they were so inclined. The decision appears to be pending, and the DA has asked my ex what SHE thinks should happen.
Which gives her the perfect weapon to hold over my head.
This whole time, I've continued to see the kids with her knowledge, consent, and involvement, again with no incidents at all. I'm medicated and in treatment. Most days she acts like things are fine where the kids and I are concerned.
But if I have an argument with her, or god forbid complain to her about things like her having completely rejected me in bed for two years pre-divorce; or her basically deciding not to love me anymore because I can't seem to love myself; or her sleeping with me last June then immediately finalizing the divorce; or her f00king her personal trainer who is still legally married though he swears they're separated (nothing has been filed in court), she goes back to the threat of felony charges. If she's not happy with me, she says she's going to call the DA and ask that they press full charges. If the state did that I'd lose my law license on top of possibly doing ten years in prison.
We've been arguing off and on all this week, and now she says she's going to get the protective order extended. I told her she has no basis to do that; that I've been with the kids umpteen times with no incidents and SHE was the one who allowed that; that I can prove I've continued treatment and maintained my meds. Basically she can't prove I'm a risk, since she herself kept sending them to me. Her response? A felony conviction would be proof enough. And it would, it's sufficient to strip me of my parental rights permanently.
She sent me all kinds of text messages about being concerned that my mental state is slipping, that I could become a danger again. That she sees me improve, and sends the kids to me, but then sees me deteriorate so she blocks access again. That I'm not in a fit state of mind because I made the mistake of crying on the phone to her because I'd delayed my anti-depressants by four hours and gotten hit by a really bleak mood. In other words, I'll ALWAYS be a risk because my mental state could get worse.
What it boils down to is that she gets to use my mental health as a weapon against me whenever she wants. She has a state prosecution to hang over my head when I piss her off, and she plans to go back to court and argue that I'm always going to be mentally unfit as a parent.
On the one hand, as a lawyer I'm reasonably confident that her ploy won't work in court, especially not when I have written evidence that that's what she's doing, but there IS the risk of prosecution. On the other hand, emotionally, it's a continual gut punch. My mental issues cause me great concern and embarrassment, which she well knows. The fact that I know I can never be cured of any of this, and that my best outcome is to mitigate the effects with medication is always with me, which she also knows. And now she's using that as a way to threaten me with losing the kids.
This feels like it will never end, at least not until my youngest turns 18. Even though we'be been split for two years and divorced for one I will always have to deal with her in order to parent my kids, and she will always be able to hurt me whenever she wants.
I went so far as to text her that she already has every weapon she needs against me without involving the kids. I said she already does me as much harm as she could ever want my screwing her trainer; and that she ought to take satisfaction from the fact that rejecting me for two years, sleeping with me, and then rejecting me again has basically shattered my self-worth as a sexual being. Whatever anger she has against me, much of it VERY legitimate after 20 years, she can get back at me on her own without getting between me and the kids.
So, yeah. That's my week. Sorry for the long discourse...
In April I had an incident with my son for which I am totally ashamed. I'd been missing my anti-depressants for three or four days because I was between refills, I wasn't sleeping much because of long work hours, and I totally lost my temper on my son.
He was in one of his moods where he's angry and combative, and wouldn't go to bed and kept yelling that I couldn't tell him what to do, etc. Not fun, but nothing I haven't dealt with before. Probably for the reasons cited above, I felt myself getting angrier and angrier, and I couldn't seem to calm down. I called my ex and asked her to please come get him, because I couldn't seem to get my anger in check. She told me to deal with it, which I absolutely should have. I didn't.
I lost my 5h1t and hit him with my dress shoe, several times. Enough to leave him with bruises and a bloody nose. When I saw the blood I immediately snapped out of it, horrified, and went into make-it-better mode. I kept telling him this was my fault, not his, and I never should have done this. I called my ex and told her what happened, then I drove my son home.
Please understand, I'm not a violent person, at ALL. What limited corporeal punishment I had ever used was stopped years ago, for many different reasons. I've never, EVER done anything like that, and I am more ashamed of what I did to him than anything else in my life. I'll carry that to my grave, and I DESERVE to do so.
After I left her house, my ex brought my son to the ER because his nose had started bleeding again and he was complaining of a headache (I had stopped the nosebleed before taking him home). He was photographed in the ER, and the authorities were notified, as they should have been.
The next day I called around and immediately set myself up for anger management counseling and group therapy sessions. This was before I ever spoke to anyone from the state. I received a call from child protective services, and I told them everything that happened, as it happened. I didn't lie, and I didn't deny. I was later called by an investigator from the sheriff's department, and I met with him on my own, with no lawyer, and told him everything that happened. The next week I had a home visit from the CPS case worker, and we again discussed everything honestly and frankly. I signed the paperwork that I was getting counseling, and she put in her notes that she saw it as a one-time situation. The criminal investigator said the same thing.
My ex got a temporary restraining order against me, taking away my 50% custody rights and blocking me from contacting or accessing the kids. This is what she should have done, what I would have done if the situation was reversed. I complied with the order 100% from the start.
Where we got into issues was in trying to set up supervised visitation. She wanted her parents to be the ones to supervise, at their house, and I said I'd prefer a mutual friend. I have no local family anymore (thanks to Katrina, among other things) and didn't feel comfortable being in what I felt was hostile territory. We selected a mutual friend, who then turned out not to be able to do it.
Because we couldn't agree on the visitation setup, and because I had immediately acted to get treatment and was diligent about my meds every day, I decided that when it came time for the hearing on whether the order should continue I was going to argue against the entire thing and ask for it to be removed. As I had been with CPS and with the criminal investigator, I was completely honest with the judge, told her what happened and why I think it happened. I took full responsibility for it in open court, under oath.
I lost that fight. The court left the order in place until the first week of October, so that I could complete a course of anger management therapy. Legally, I cannot see my kids unsupervised until that order is lifted.
Here's the thing, though: my ex has never followed the order. She's routinely sent my son and the other kids to my apartment to spend time with me alone, she's allowed me to visit them unsupervised in her home, and she's let me take them on outings by myself. There hasn't been a single incident with any of them in dozens of visits since the order was put in place. I've stayed in therapy, and I've stayed on my meds. If I've run out of meds, I kept away from the kids and my ex until I got new doses and everything was on an even keel.
At the end of June she had the option of asking the court to lift the order. She didn't tell me this until the third week of July, because she claimed she was testing me to see how it would work out. When she finally did tell me, I got angry with her and we had a verbal fight. I felt like she should have told me I was being tested to see if the order should lift, that I had a right to know.
Because of that fight, she didn't lift the order. It's on the books until October.
The state hasn't pressed charges against me, though they could. In fact, my testimony alone is enough for a felony conviction if they were so inclined. The decision appears to be pending, and the DA has asked my ex what SHE thinks should happen.
Which gives her the perfect weapon to hold over my head.
This whole time, I've continued to see the kids with her knowledge, consent, and involvement, again with no incidents at all. I'm medicated and in treatment. Most days she acts like things are fine where the kids and I are concerned.
But if I have an argument with her, or god forbid complain to her about things like her having completely rejected me in bed for two years pre-divorce; or her basically deciding not to love me anymore because I can't seem to love myself; or her sleeping with me last June then immediately finalizing the divorce; or her f00king her personal trainer who is still legally married though he swears they're separated (nothing has been filed in court), she goes back to the threat of felony charges. If she's not happy with me, she says she's going to call the DA and ask that they press full charges. If the state did that I'd lose my law license on top of possibly doing ten years in prison.
We've been arguing off and on all this week, and now she says she's going to get the protective order extended. I told her she has no basis to do that; that I've been with the kids umpteen times with no incidents and SHE was the one who allowed that; that I can prove I've continued treatment and maintained my meds. Basically she can't prove I'm a risk, since she herself kept sending them to me. Her response? A felony conviction would be proof enough. And it would, it's sufficient to strip me of my parental rights permanently.
She sent me all kinds of text messages about being concerned that my mental state is slipping, that I could become a danger again. That she sees me improve, and sends the kids to me, but then sees me deteriorate so she blocks access again. That I'm not in a fit state of mind because I made the mistake of crying on the phone to her because I'd delayed my anti-depressants by four hours and gotten hit by a really bleak mood. In other words, I'll ALWAYS be a risk because my mental state could get worse.
What it boils down to is that she gets to use my mental health as a weapon against me whenever she wants. She has a state prosecution to hang over my head when I piss her off, and she plans to go back to court and argue that I'm always going to be mentally unfit as a parent.
On the one hand, as a lawyer I'm reasonably confident that her ploy won't work in court, especially not when I have written evidence that that's what she's doing, but there IS the risk of prosecution. On the other hand, emotionally, it's a continual gut punch. My mental issues cause me great concern and embarrassment, which she well knows. The fact that I know I can never be cured of any of this, and that my best outcome is to mitigate the effects with medication is always with me, which she also knows. And now she's using that as a way to threaten me with losing the kids.
This feels like it will never end, at least not until my youngest turns 18. Even though we'be been split for two years and divorced for one I will always have to deal with her in order to parent my kids, and she will always be able to hurt me whenever she wants.
I went so far as to text her that she already has every weapon she needs against me without involving the kids. I said she already does me as much harm as she could ever want my screwing her trainer; and that she ought to take satisfaction from the fact that rejecting me for two years, sleeping with me, and then rejecting me again has basically shattered my self-worth as a sexual being. Whatever anger she has against me, much of it VERY legitimate after 20 years, she can get back at me on her own without getting between me and the kids.
So, yeah. That's my week. Sorry for the long discourse...
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