Please, help, is divorce my next step?
I am 37, in a relationship for almost 17 years, of which for 13 years we have been married. We have one child.
We met while I was still in college and he had his first job at an insurance company. We had lots of fun together. He was a runner, and I joined him. We traveled a lot, went hiking and skiing. We both love to cook and gradually learned appreciation for good wine. We seemed to have been made for each other. I started working for the local school system after my graduation. We had a big wedding and were doomed to be happy. We then had a baby. Several years later, I went to law school. It was exhausting, with long hours, papers, deadlines. Our son was in daycare and my parents helped us a lot, including financial help. The relationship started falling apart when I started the school. We didn't have much time to travel or do things together. All my free time I spent with my child. A lot of times, my husband was not home; he was "running appointments" 2-3 evening s a week, usually was home by 9 though, so I do not suspect he was running around on me. He'd come home smelling of alcohol sometimes, stating, the client and him had a beer. My mom didn't mind babysitting when needed. My husband started drinking more and more frequently. He worked mostly out of the house, because he chose to; he does have an office. I have never seen him working: every time I'd come home, I would find him on the coach in front of TV, most times with a beer. All of the running, biking, doing stuff together dissipated. I got a job at a law firm in our town. It was a great 8 m to 5 pm job with weekends off. I wanted to get back to our travelling, thinking now we had means and time to do that. I came to find out that he ran up credit card debt galore (I knew he had some, but I didn't think it would be this much). He said he had to use credit cards while I was in school and not bringing in any income. I must say, he was the one doing grocery shopping and him and my mom would cook for us. I cooked on the weekends. He had the child in the extended care, though he was supposedly "working" at home". He refused to take him to extracurricular activities, claiming he was too busy. Our son joined the swim team and my dad took him to the pool three times a week. But the husband just couldn't find time to spend with the child. My husband also started making negative comments about me. I have gained 25 lbs since we have met, but I am still a size 8, I am not obese. I do wear makeup and I wear nice clothes to work, noblesse oblige. His comments included me looking fat, being snobbish, career-oriented and not wanting to build the family up etc. The verbal abuse has been especially profound when he has had a beer or two (which happens almost every day now). I asked him to spend time together, go on vacation with our son or without him, suggested having a "honeymoon" at a ski resort. He has no desire to do that. I asked him to train for a 5K together- he just shook his head. I continued to work, come home, try to be a normal wife. I make dinner at least three times a week. We have home-cooked breakfast daily, simple oatmeal or egs during week days, and I make Belgian waffles on Saturdays. My son loves a big waffle with whipped cream and strawberries. The husband still frequently goes to the neighborhood coffee shop several times a week. He has buddies who come there, too, and like to shoot the breeze. My husband has always found something wrong with my friends- either the friend or the friend's spouse was no good. He had some bar buddies, who he didn't really invite to our home. We don't associate with many people. He is very nice when we are out, chats with waitresses, cashiers at Walmart, people in line at stores. He is very friendly with our son's teachers, bakes cookies and takes them to school and the afterschool care. He is not very friendly with me at all.
About a year and a half ago, I was sent for a meeting in New York. There I met this man, a charismatic, handsome, renowned lawyer. After a dinner, he was particularly nice to me and volunteered to walk me to the hotel. I was going to take a taxi, as the hotel was a ways away, but Mr. X suggested that we walk a bit and may be then catch a taxi. He turned out to be intellectual, well read, and we happened to share common interest in one particular literature trend (Of note, my husband doesn't read). It was a two hour walk. We were not drunk. He tried to kiss me by the hotel, and I practically ran away from him. After the trip we kept in touch and our e-mails just made sense. This person was interested in me, in my life, in how I feel about things. I don't know if I fell in love, but I certainly had strong feelings for this man. We met again out of town and we had sex.
I was terrified. I could not understand how I allowed myself to fall so low and let it happen. I am married. Good Catholic girls don't do this. I ran to the church (not my church). I talked to the priest for an hour. I broke off all communication with Mr. X. He kept sending emails for several months, but I have not responded. I had to wiggle out to going to New York for a follow up work meeting.
My husband kept on calling me the "b" word, kept drinking, kept having nothing to do with our son, kept "working" from home bringing in minimal income. I suggested counseling. He said, "You have a problem, you are the one who needs the counselor". When I bring up his drinking, he yells at me. On one occasion he quit drinking for a week. He called me nag and said: "See, I don't have to drink, I just like a drink once in a while". "Once in a while" is about five nights a week. I am not looking forward to Saturday cookouts anymore, because he gets so drunk, that it disgusts me. I don't go anywhere and stay home doing things with my son in the evenings. Even if I went out with a co-worker or a friend for dinner, I would just worry about my little boy being around his drunken father, which is not a pretty sight. He has been to his doctor, because I suggested that he may have depression, but the doctor just ran some bloodwork and told him he was healthy. (The husband didn't let me go to this appointment with him, but I know he did go, as I have a copy of the bloodwork).
I feel guilty about what I have done, even though it has been more than a year.
I have been promoted. I have several offers for nice jobs where I would make double of what I am making now. My parents are willing to move, but the husband is not. He has no good reason not to move. His income is minimal and we are still paying off my student loans and his credit cards. I have tried to talk to him many times. He argues that I have become this "high level lawyer" ( which I am not), am very demanding, flashy and am into myself. I drive a 2008 minivan. I don't have expensive jewelry. I don't know what he means by "flashy". I do his laundry, clean the house; I cook almost every breakfast and dinner. What else can I do? I have studied relationships (psychology minor). I had training on people's interactions in law school. He has no idea about what happened to me and Mr. X. I am not looking to do that ever again and am ashamed of myself for doing that. But this incident made me feel that I can be liked by a successful smart man. That I am not a used up piece of junk like I feel around my husband.
I confronted him with a divorce, and he said, "Go ahead and file. You know how to do this and you will rip me off".
I don't know what to do.
I am 37, in a relationship for almost 17 years, of which for 13 years we have been married. We have one child.
We met while I was still in college and he had his first job at an insurance company. We had lots of fun together. He was a runner, and I joined him. We traveled a lot, went hiking and skiing. We both love to cook and gradually learned appreciation for good wine. We seemed to have been made for each other. I started working for the local school system after my graduation. We had a big wedding and were doomed to be happy. We then had a baby. Several years later, I went to law school. It was exhausting, with long hours, papers, deadlines. Our son was in daycare and my parents helped us a lot, including financial help. The relationship started falling apart when I started the school. We didn't have much time to travel or do things together. All my free time I spent with my child. A lot of times, my husband was not home; he was "running appointments" 2-3 evening s a week, usually was home by 9 though, so I do not suspect he was running around on me. He'd come home smelling of alcohol sometimes, stating, the client and him had a beer. My mom didn't mind babysitting when needed. My husband started drinking more and more frequently. He worked mostly out of the house, because he chose to; he does have an office. I have never seen him working: every time I'd come home, I would find him on the coach in front of TV, most times with a beer. All of the running, biking, doing stuff together dissipated. I got a job at a law firm in our town. It was a great 8 m to 5 pm job with weekends off. I wanted to get back to our travelling, thinking now we had means and time to do that. I came to find out that he ran up credit card debt galore (I knew he had some, but I didn't think it would be this much). He said he had to use credit cards while I was in school and not bringing in any income. I must say, he was the one doing grocery shopping and him and my mom would cook for us. I cooked on the weekends. He had the child in the extended care, though he was supposedly "working" at home". He refused to take him to extracurricular activities, claiming he was too busy. Our son joined the swim team and my dad took him to the pool three times a week. But the husband just couldn't find time to spend with the child. My husband also started making negative comments about me. I have gained 25 lbs since we have met, but I am still a size 8, I am not obese. I do wear makeup and I wear nice clothes to work, noblesse oblige. His comments included me looking fat, being snobbish, career-oriented and not wanting to build the family up etc. The verbal abuse has been especially profound when he has had a beer or two (which happens almost every day now). I asked him to spend time together, go on vacation with our son or without him, suggested having a "honeymoon" at a ski resort. He has no desire to do that. I asked him to train for a 5K together- he just shook his head. I continued to work, come home, try to be a normal wife. I make dinner at least three times a week. We have home-cooked breakfast daily, simple oatmeal or egs during week days, and I make Belgian waffles on Saturdays. My son loves a big waffle with whipped cream and strawberries. The husband still frequently goes to the neighborhood coffee shop several times a week. He has buddies who come there, too, and like to shoot the breeze. My husband has always found something wrong with my friends- either the friend or the friend's spouse was no good. He had some bar buddies, who he didn't really invite to our home. We don't associate with many people. He is very nice when we are out, chats with waitresses, cashiers at Walmart, people in line at stores. He is very friendly with our son's teachers, bakes cookies and takes them to school and the afterschool care. He is not very friendly with me at all.
About a year and a half ago, I was sent for a meeting in New York. There I met this man, a charismatic, handsome, renowned lawyer. After a dinner, he was particularly nice to me and volunteered to walk me to the hotel. I was going to take a taxi, as the hotel was a ways away, but Mr. X suggested that we walk a bit and may be then catch a taxi. He turned out to be intellectual, well read, and we happened to share common interest in one particular literature trend (Of note, my husband doesn't read). It was a two hour walk. We were not drunk. He tried to kiss me by the hotel, and I practically ran away from him. After the trip we kept in touch and our e-mails just made sense. This person was interested in me, in my life, in how I feel about things. I don't know if I fell in love, but I certainly had strong feelings for this man. We met again out of town and we had sex.
I was terrified. I could not understand how I allowed myself to fall so low and let it happen. I am married. Good Catholic girls don't do this. I ran to the church (not my church). I talked to the priest for an hour. I broke off all communication with Mr. X. He kept sending emails for several months, but I have not responded. I had to wiggle out to going to New York for a follow up work meeting.
My husband kept on calling me the "b" word, kept drinking, kept having nothing to do with our son, kept "working" from home bringing in minimal income. I suggested counseling. He said, "You have a problem, you are the one who needs the counselor". When I bring up his drinking, he yells at me. On one occasion he quit drinking for a week. He called me nag and said: "See, I don't have to drink, I just like a drink once in a while". "Once in a while" is about five nights a week. I am not looking forward to Saturday cookouts anymore, because he gets so drunk, that it disgusts me. I don't go anywhere and stay home doing things with my son in the evenings. Even if I went out with a co-worker or a friend for dinner, I would just worry about my little boy being around his drunken father, which is not a pretty sight. He has been to his doctor, because I suggested that he may have depression, but the doctor just ran some bloodwork and told him he was healthy. (The husband didn't let me go to this appointment with him, but I know he did go, as I have a copy of the bloodwork).
I feel guilty about what I have done, even though it has been more than a year.
I have been promoted. I have several offers for nice jobs where I would make double of what I am making now. My parents are willing to move, but the husband is not. He has no good reason not to move. His income is minimal and we are still paying off my student loans and his credit cards. I have tried to talk to him many times. He argues that I have become this "high level lawyer" ( which I am not), am very demanding, flashy and am into myself. I drive a 2008 minivan. I don't have expensive jewelry. I don't know what he means by "flashy". I do his laundry, clean the house; I cook almost every breakfast and dinner. What else can I do? I have studied relationships (psychology minor). I had training on people's interactions in law school. He has no idea about what happened to me and Mr. X. I am not looking to do that ever again and am ashamed of myself for doing that. But this incident made me feel that I can be liked by a successful smart man. That I am not a used up piece of junk like I feel around my husband.
I confronted him with a divorce, and he said, "Go ahead and file. You know how to do this and you will rip me off".
I don't know what to do.
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