| I'd like to share my story as I am seeking advice. I've never experienced anything like this before so I wasn't sure where to turn to discuss it. I was raised in a household with two loving parents of 45 years and have never experienced divorce or issues like this before. My wife and I have been married for over 7 years with a 5 year old son. She is a great mother, a great person and for the most part a great wife. However, my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year or so for several reasons including: Early in our marriage we faced some significant financial challenges including losing our home, almost going bankrupt and severely struggling for about 2-3 years. During this time I believe she holds me responsible for the reasons that lead to our demise. Also she became pregnant during this time and was forced to return to work when our child was still an infant because we had no other choice financially. This was something she didn't ever want to do, and I believe she still resents me for this. A few years ago we moved to the other side of the country for a fresh financial start, which has certainly improved things for us on that front, but has isolated her from much of her friends and family which has caused her to become emotionally distant from me. When we were first married I believed we had the ammunition as a couple to face any adversity together and become stronger. At the time things were going on, she coped very well with everything. However now that we've emerged from this adversity we've both realized how much it changed us and how we both grew apart and became different people as a result of it. What I've realized is that her and I have very different core values and life goals and that we are no longer aligned as a couple. I value pursuing my passions in life, having big goals and executing them. She values security, stability, routine. I believe neither party can change their values and our different outlooks on everything in life has manifested in the following ways: - Increased irritability and hostility towards each other over small things. - Very little sexual desire or chemistry. We have been sleeping in separate beds for 6 months and have sex maybe once every month. - Cold, distant, isolation from each other. I stay in my corner of the house, she stays in hers. - We very rarely talk unless it has something to do with our son. - Constant judgment and criticism towards any opinion or action of mine. The turning point for us was about 6 months ago I expressed to her that I needed her emotional support more than ever as I was entering a new business venture. Although she said she supported me, I think she has no desire to pursue this considering the past financial challenges we've faced. Although I respect her position, she brought up in our discussion that she is not a vocal emotional supporter and that I needed to re-evaluate what I wanted from a wife and she needed to decide if she was that person. As I was spending time soul searching to discover the answer to that question, I met another woman (also married with children) that I would consider my soul mate. I never even believed soul mates existed until I met her. Her and I have an unbelievable connection that I have never experienced with anybody before (even my wife - ever), we have numerous common interests, we are aligned spiritually, emotionally and in every way possible. We have had deep conversations and have communicated in ways that neither of us have ever experienced before. It feels very real, and we both believe we are meant for each other. We have not had a sexual affair yet, but certainly an emotional one. This is a woman who I can share my hopes, dreams, desires, fears and deepest emotional issues with. She can do the same with me. Sharing any of the above with my wife usually results in judgment. This woman brings out my very best qualities, embraces who I am and supports me, encourages me and lifts me up unlike anyone I have ever known. Her marriage is much the same as mine. Married to a good man, but with very different values and alot underlying resentment due to different values and goals. Her and I are in complete alignment in these areas, and I too offer her what her husband does not. The conclusion seems so obvious: both of us leave our spouses to start a relationship together. However, we know it's never that simple. I have several questions about this: 1. Is my love interest in this new woman predicated upon the excitement of something new? Or does there appear to be a basis for a sustainable long term relationship. And how do I know the difference? 2. Is it our best interest to leave our spouses on the basis of a failing marriage, and then not make our relationship public until after the dust settles? I know that if my wife knew there was another woman involved and suspected cheating, she would be very vindictive during a divorce with regard to any financial and custody matters. As it stands I have a very fair offer in mind that I am confident she would accept if we could end the marriage amicably. 3. Should me and this new woman have a sexual encounter before we decide to make this decision? Both of us are hesitant to have a physical affair because if we do stay together it would set the expectation that both of us are willing to cheat, creating trust issues long term. 4. What impact would this type of separation have on our kids? My son is very adaptable and I believe he could handle it as well as any kid. In her case, I don't know her kids well enough but it would be harder since she has two. 5. Are my issues with my marriage legitimate reasons to divorce, or are they challenges every couple faces from time to time. 6. How often do marriages that start with an affair (emotional or otherwise) even last? The last thing I want to do is throw away a salvageable marriage (if it is), damaging my relationship with my son, having a serious financial impact in pursuit or something that may not be real. Any advice is greatly appreciated. | |||
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