I really wish I wasn't posting here!

I'm confused. I really wish I wasn't posting here! Just reading these threads is painful enough. Reading them scared me straight. I never thought I'd be in one. Me, H, just turned 60. She, W, just turned 60, too. Been together 40 years, married - just did the math- 37 years. She retired late December 2012, just before a family trip. This last spring, she cut her hair short. She didn't discuss it with me, just said she was getting it cut shorter this time. It's her hair. It's OK with me. I think it looks great! Fast forward to recent history, the week of my birthday... We had sex on Sat July 20, which was pretty normal for us. Then again on my Birthday, the 25th, which was a pleasant surprise. She hasn't always been in the mood on my birthday. Then again on Sat the 28th and again on Sunday the 29th 4 times in a little over a week! I don't remember the last time that's happened. What a gift? And she introduced a new sexual position. I was in heaven. Then Monday, Aug 29, she's off to meet Daughter 28 in ****. Daughter's flying in from overseas, where she lives, to visit us for a month. Friday, Aug 2 She and my D28 flew home from ****. Her first day back, we made love that night. She's always been too tired after a long flight. Another pleasant surprise. Then Sun Aug 11 Had a beautiful day! A fantastic day at an all day Road Rally fundraiser. Driving a convertible in the fresh air. Visited 6 wineries. Chatted with other participants. Commented to wife what a great job she did navigating for the rally. It was just a great day! Then after we went to bed she hung out the 'Do not Disturb sign' (light out, back immediately turned towards me, no conversation). WTF? I was devastated! I was up all night wondering - yeah, all f'n night - what I had done wrong. Why was my trajectory for what to do at the end of a fun day together so different from hers. Had a long talk the next day. As part of the conversation she said she was "... very fond of me." At the time I didn't realize what a big red flag that was. (Now it sounds a LOT like ILYBINILWY.) I reminded her that I loved her, and asked why when I kissed her a couple of days previously it didn't seem to me that she really kissed me back? Her response, " ...afraid I would want more." Another WTF? I'm her husband. Of course I want more! There'd be something seriously wrong if I didn't want more. Told her in very clear terms that I don't want a roommate. A relationship as Husband and Wife as committed life partners and enthusiastic lovers was the only option. Anything else was not a marriage. She seemed to get the message and said she agreed that's what she wanted, too. Monday Aug 12 We had, I guess, make-up sex on Monday night. Wed Aug 21 - Mon Aug 26 All 3 of us, Me W, D28, took trip to another state to visit our son's new baby. First grandbaby for us. I was feeling strange the whole week, like I wanted to get on a plane and fly back home. I could only just barely stand to be near her. I really don't know why, maybe the ILYBINILWY conversation was affecting me (But I still didn't know that's what it was yet.) To burn off the the nervous energy I took looong walks - alone - everyday. Before breakfast, after dinner, whenever I could, just to disengage and think. The thinking was valuable time. Even not knowing what it meant, I began to realize that the ILYBINILWY conversation had broken my heart. I think I began to disconnect a little. I took a few photos, too. One got published in the local paper - pretty cool. One night, as we lay in bed, we had a discussion about her "fond of me" and "afraid I'd want more" comments. I was pretty naive still, and I'm sure I screwed up the conversation. It ended with, she thought maybe she was just naturally LD and she'd "try to be more affectionate in the future", and ask her doctor about it at her upcoming physical. As part of the conversation she said "maybe you could wear some cologne." I don't think my reaction showed my shock, but for me, this was another WTF! I'm certainly not opposed to the idea, and am happy she's sharing, but why this particular comment at this particular time? A new sex position and she fancies cologne? While on the trip, during spare moments, I started googling and researching. Found and downloaded MMSLP, NMMNG to my kindle and became addicted to TAM. Uh OH! I've joined class late, have a pretty steep learning curve, I'm in the middle of the final exam, and it's not going to be graded on the curve. We returned home on Monday Aug 26. Daughter flew back overseas the same day. On the flight, she asked me to pull up the arm between us (thanks large lady by the window) and she sat veeery close to me the whole flight. I love touching my wife! I love when my wife touches me! I was on cloud 9. After we got home, we had sex that night, too. Again, pretty unusual for us to have sex after a long travel day. We'd been having a lot of sex. Labor Day weekend... Made love: Thursday Aug 29 Friday Aug 30 Saturday Aug 31, a rained out Labor Day concert -we got drenched - and friends came over to play cards to fill the time the concert freed up. Sunday Sept 1, Sunday we had an all day date. Museum, nice dinner. Had a very pleasant, relaxed lovemaking session that evening. That made 4 days in a row! That may have never happened before, ever. I mean ever. If it has, I don't remember it. Maybe in our 20's. Each time she rolled towards me and we started talking. Not aggressively initiating, but the usual signal that she's open to the possibility. One night I pounded the hell out of her (in her new position - I added pillows, too). F***ed her brains out. (Great idea Athol) NO complaints. I'm loving it, but now I'm on high alert. (yeah, I can compartmentalize, too!) On Monday she reminded me that she had a physical scheduled for Wednesday that included a PAP test. No sex allowed 2 days prior to exam. So no sex Monday, Labor Day. On Wednesday, she said the doc's schedule was messed up and she didn't get her full physical. She did get flu shots and some other immunizations, so her arms were a little sore. Also said she talked to doc about her possible LD. He prescribed some estrogen, so that's a good sign that she talked to him, right. Wed evening we took a 4 mile walk at a nearby park. Thursday the 5th we had a date night. Dinner at an outside table and listened to live music. The music was pretty good. We had a great time. When we got home, she sat very close to me on the couch as we watched TV. Then that night, she put out the do not disturb sign again. I bore it gracefully and turned my light back on and read for a while. I lay awake a long time, beginning to think that romantic dates are NOT her thing, wondering again why our trajectories didn't match. She woke up about 3:00am and noticed I was still awake and we talked. I asked her what I had read wrong in her body language? No real answer. Just a "can't we snuggle without having sex?" 5th day with no sex. Not unusual or even unreasonable but didn't align with the day's vibe at all. Friday Sept 6 We lay in bed talking. She slid closer to me and was all over me. Definitely her initiating. She was in 'won't take no for an answer' mode. WTF! last night, date night, it's stay the f**k away. Tonight, a normal do nothing special night, it's can't get enough. How is a man going to figure this out By this time I'm starting to get up to speed. Finished one lap through MMSLP, and NMMNG, and read several threads on TAM - most of them narrate complete train wrecks (my heartfelt thanks and sincerest sympathies to the authors). God, I don't want to go through anything like that. And read a couple chapters in Sheet Music. I've always considered myself strong, but I guess maybe I've got a touch of nice, too. And I'm not ashamed to admit that the first couple chapters of Sheet Music resonated with me - almost to the point of tears. I may be strong, but I'm still human. Sat Sept 7 I pulled yesterday's panties out of the hamper. Haven't had them tested yet. I don't know that anything happened that week, but if there's anything on them, after 5 days, it's not me. Sun Sept 8 Another pleasant relaxed lovemaking session. Mon Sept 9 We both got up at 4:30ish for me to take her to the airport. Tuesday Sept 10 She's off to visit her parents out west for a week. All of her brothers are going to be there, too. This is a no-risk, pure vanilla, family trip. I have no worries. Me, I'm still in the "I just need to improve me" mode. I have lost 16 lbs since Christmas. Wed, Sept 11 I was feeling nostalgic, so went looking for the box her original engagement ring came in - 40 years ago. We save everything! I was thinking of doing something romantic (Dunno what) with the box and the receipt for the ring - we still have that, too. I found what I was looking for. And discovered a book in her dresser; "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy". It's an older large format paperback in very good condition. Tantric sex? I don't remember us ever having this book. It was NOT in her dresser a few weeks back. Her new position is illustrated in this book. I recalled that, about a week ago, in bed, I teasingly asked her, "If I ask you a question, will you tell the truth?" She dissembled a bit and responded, "It depends on the question.". So I asked anyway, "Where did you learn that new position?". Her response was vague; she didn't know and "What did you think I've been doing?" I didn't press. Now that I've seen that book, I really do wonder what the circumstances were of her learning that new position. F***ing mind movies. Found her glass dildo in her nightstand, too. That's where the box I was looking for ended up being. I had bought the dildo for her some time back, 2007 actually, and I had looked for it a while back, thinking we'd use it one night. I couldn't find it then. I wondered where it was. When I bought it for her, she didn't seem impressed, so when it was missing, I had thought maybe she'd gotten rid of it. Now it's there again. Intrigued, I started looking everywhere for anything. I looked in the bathroom trash. Found a label from some hair pomade. She has short hair and uses hair gel. But I didn't see the jar that goes with this label. I'll see if it comes home from her trip. Did some more exploring. Found 3 sex toys: 2 rabbit style vibrators, a 'realistic' dildo, and some nightwear in what was my daughter's bedroom dresser. One very sheer very abbreviated panty still has the Victoria's Secret price tag on it. It's brand new, never been worn. My daughter hasn't lived at home for a year and a half. That stuff wasn't in that drawer a month ago. WTF! I can't believe this is real. If this s**t isn't my daughter's, (what'r the odds she'd leave brand-new expensive sexy panties behind?) it's only been there for 2 weeks. I've taken pictures of all the things I found. I'll keep the memory card someplace safe offsite. Sold our old car today. It's not a surprise. We'd been planning on it. I advertised it before she left. Called to tell her. We had a very normal conversation and she asked me to convert some videos of our grandson our Daughter-in-law had sent to wife's email account , so she could watch them on her phone. It's very hard to keep calm and act normal. Pretty much my mind is racing full time - like a never ending panic attack. I don't have time for this crap! I just wanted us to live our life together. We, yeah We (well I thought We, have / had / used to have plans for our life. Plans that included both of us) Not enough evidence to confront her with, but a veritable minefield of red flags. Ordered some video stuff tonight and getting a VAR tomorrow. Help! Am I reading the signs wrong? How am I going to survive this? I mean really? This can't happen to me. How am I going to survive this? Is there any hope of a path back?

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