| My wife and I have been together for 10 years, 5 years of marriage, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. To provide background, we both have decent jobs and make enough of a living to have some disposable income. We both enjoy similar enough activities to allow us to have plenty to do together. We also talk about problems that arise in our marriage before they get too huge, but that doesn't always result in a resolution. That brings me to the problems. I am very reluctant to come on a forum to discuss because I don't realistically expect anyone to have good advice, yet I need to talk about it and I have only a few close friends outside of my marriage. The un-resolved issues: 1. Her anxious relationship attachment style drives me absolutely crazy! She is not worried that I am cheating at all, and I never have, however, she is extremely controlling of how I spend my time. I have not played video games or spent a "guys night out" without her interfering for the past 5 years!!! I try to re-assure her that I will not be home too late, or that I only need an hour or so to myself, but it doesn't work unless she is either not home or is otherwise pre-occupied. We get plenty of quality time. From what I have read in the literature, her attachment style is anxious and mine is secure (from taking a quiz based on a book I read). I've been trying strategies to cope with it through re-assuring communication, although progress is very gradual. 2. We have sexual intimacy issues. My wife has a seriously low libido. We are not even close to being sexually compatible. She also cannot achieve orgasm, even through self-masturbation. I am very patient, re-assuring, and take my time to help her, but it is frustrating as heck that the only way we ever have sex is when I try to wake her up in the middle of the night with fore-play or when we watch porn for an hour. We have plenty of cuddling time and I am not the type of man who tries to pressure her into sex because I don't have any fun with sex if she doesn't enjoy it also. However, I am forward about my needs in a non-judgmental way (not blaming). She knows that it is mostly about her and feels really bad despite my re-assurances we can work through it. I'm losing hope that we can. 3. She just recently disclosed to me that she never wants children, not even adopted. She also is not very happy about the idea of having pets, which we don't have yet because of her resistance. I have never imagined a life without children and I am 32, almost 33, now. I want children for many emotional and intellectual reasons, which I have had much time to think about. At the very least, I think I would need a pet like a dog to fill that emotional void. What I am not sure of is whether our marriage can survive this recent gaping chasm between us. I made sure that before we were married that she knew I wanted children someday, she always thought she would want children someday, and all I can now think about the situation is that she was either not honest with me, or was not capable of being honest with herself. The reasons why it is difficult for me to seriously consider leaving her are due to our history together, our great companionship (overall), and our economic/financial ties to each other. We purchased an older home together two years ago and just invested $10,000 in energy efficiency upgrades. Although I make more money than her, I know it would be a struggle on my own and I also don't want her to come to financial ruin. The whole situation just SUCKS! Do I leave or do I stay? Damn, I hate this dilemma. | |||
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