| Previous threads: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...-fell-way.html http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...sink-swim.html Greetings to all in the Life after Divorce section. My heart goes out to the ones who wanted things to work out and they fell short. One never knows what the future holds....five years later. For my story....it can mostly be summed up in two threads. For those who do not like backstories...here is a re-cap: Met 1997....married 1999....bomb drop few days into November '12. She wanted us to live together and remain married but 'do our own thing.' I refused and countered with the D if she had no desire to work things out. She left house for few weeks...then returned and for a few weeks we got along but no communicating the issues. I left and realized what I had put up with quickly. D was filed 11/30....final 2/1. Not the entire story but rehashing old things is petty. I can't begin to express my appreciation for the solid advice TAM users gave me. My story is somewhat boring due to the fact we never had children. The ones who often gave me advice in GtD were ones who already rode the roller coaster. I read their stories...pretty familiar. Near the end I noticed I was giving more advice than taking; I feel which is a positive sign about working on you and stop worrying what the spouse is doing. I told many there is a life after D. And I am here to tell it. It will be good, bad and fugly. But it gives examples of pitfalls and milestones you will hit as you transition into being divorced. Being a month into my D I will admit....I have been extremely lucky to this point. While waiting for the D to be final, I began speaking to a female. Long story short...we hit it off. We are both D survivors and understand things have to be taken a bit slower. One thing I never will understand, yet must accept, is when you start having any type of emotions for someone new...you seem to have a re-birth (to a degree) of emotions tied to the one from your recent past. This happened when I met my second "love" and finally broke past the pain of losing my first love. Same thing when I met my future W, I shed the remaining emotions from my second love. History seems to repeat itself. But after fifteen plus years, for some reason, I can't see myself getting past things as easily as before. But I could be wrong. Outside of a couple years total, my first three loves have covered 1988-2012. When I started dating after I knew the D had to happen....it was nerve-racking. I thought I was nervous in high school....lol...that was an understatement. The new gal is same age as me, 41, has one child who is grown and on her own. I like her but I am nowhere near ready to be serious and she respects this. The great thing about being in your 40's...it's a more take it or leave it deal. Less smoke and mirrors. Not as many facades...it is what it is. Through my lulls in my 'loves' I usually dated women in their mid-late thirties and early forties. They seemed to have their things together. Being in my early and mid-twenties...that was very appealing. My ex has joined several dating sites; which now I have no fuss on. But when she did while we were fresh from the ink drying from filing for D....it bothered me. I was sent random matches from one and it freaked me out. Of course I looked...at this time I did not feel much angst. When I read her profile and saw her pics...I swear I felt a mountain of pity. The deer in the headlights look....the pics trying to 'advertise her assets'....yes we are D but truth told....she had a lot to offer. But that is her eagle, not mine. It re-affirmed the fact...the girl you loved for so many years...is lost...or maybe gone forever. Life goes on. On the flip side, I would like to mention things which occur often or, at least, are happening to me. Leading up to the D, ex was quite nice. After the D she has been super nice. What gives?.....more important...does it matter? We had dogs and the backstory reflects on their impact. She treats them as children and we have to exchange them once or twice a week. Currently...I meet her to exchange. If things progress with new girl....down the road... she can deal with her. But not anytime in near future. I hope to avoid this all together with a kennel beside the house. Drop and pick up...no face to face needed. Does it bother me to see her? Honestly, I do not think so. Do you think about what you had at one time? I have to admit....I do. Every one has their own pace, in dealing with moving on. I had no intention of meeting a great gal nor ignoring the ex. Would I thought about her (ex) more if I were not semi-spoken for? I honestly do not think so but...who knows. I was cleaning out things from the house, she did not try to get the house, and found a letter from before we were married. It did not hurt....I smiled a lot. At one time....we had everything. I smiled a million dollar smile. I'm not going to lie....I will always love her in a certain way but....things change. I wanted us to work but life seemed to get in the way. I do not wish to trade what she did or what I did. It is over. History was written. Accept and move on or live in pity. This opening remark to the thread is probably as mundane as watching oranges grow. Accept my apologies in advance. But if there is one person out there, male or female, who can get something from this....it was worth it. There was two people who helped me so much a few months ago. I could never repay their kindness with money. You can not buy the beach line of Cali. I took from the previous but I desire to give to the subsequent. | |||
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