Hi, new and unable to cope.

My situation is one where my husband had been sending and received dirty texts and pictures from women our entire marriage. We've been married for 7 years, together 10. It was started with porn sites, then he started giving his phone number out. Then he started the same with two women at work and that had gone on for 3 yrs until I caught him at it all. He claims there was nothing physical with either of the two at work, but one did have a baby during the midst of it all and didn't name a father. He was making masterbation videos with his phone and sending them to other women. He even viewed one of the women from work on webcam stripping for him while I lay passed out on the couch from medications I was on to help with pain from my back. My husband says he wants to work this out, but I can't get him to discuss it. He claims that he doesn't know why he cheated. My argument is that in order for he and I to work this out so he don't feel the need to do it again is to know why he did in the first place. Throughout all the online stuff, one woman stands out. She is the one he still works with, not the one who had a baby. We have been seeing our pastor for Christian counseling, but not on a regular basis. We have no way to pay for regular counseling as he is on the verge of being laid off from his job. I know people that he works with don't like me, but he says he can't recall talking bad about me. It is almost as if he is blocking all of it out. My sister claims the same thing about our mother, who passed when she was 12 and I was 17. I can remember everything about Mom but she can't remember anything about her. She thinks she's blocked it, like my husband has with his affair. I have become ill in the last 2 years, I herniated a disk in my back and then about a year ago was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor. I thought at first he did this because I was ill, but after digging and digging and not being able to get out of him all that transpired I found out it started in late 2009 after he went back to work after being laid off the first time. Then he manages to confess doing the same with his ex girlfriend prior to that. Our pastor does not think he is a sex addict because he was able to quit looking at porn and contacting these women. He kind of excuses his behavior by calling it impulsive and states that he may never know why he cheated. I am at my wits end. I loved him, I want to love him again because I know he is a really good man, good father, hard worker. He has even taken my son from another marriage as his own. I have to understand why, because if he feels the same way again, he'll cheat again. Please help. I am so desperate for help.

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