| Alright, this is going to be a challenge for you diehards on here, but here goes....I have posted so many other places and talked to so many people, and everyone just shakes their head. My husband of 3+ years, 5+ years in relationship, returned from Afghanistan nearly 9 months ago. We struggled about 4 months prior to his return home, he withdrew, was spending money inexplicably, they were having a rough go of it.....but we eventually gradually came to a place where he was coming home to me and things were ok. I thought. One week before he left there to come home, he asked me where I wanted to go on vacation, said he knew he had been rough on me but shouldn't have been, expressed some guilt over some things he had done (he started smoking, was possibly spending the money on gambling) and basically I just said get out of there safely, we will deal with whatever when you come home. Somewhere between Afghanistan and the US he decided he no longer wished to be married. He wouldn't allow me or any of his family to come to the airport the day he came home, just completely shut down. I know reintegration is difficult, but he was obviously experiencing some ex treme mental issues. He moved in with his mom, wouldn't respond to texts or phone calls, and went into full-on hideout mode. I have seen him about 4 hours since his return in June, not since August, and all he will say is that he just doesn't feel it anymore, his heart isn't in it, he's cried as much as I have but it's best if we just move on. Since we haven't lived in the same space for over 2 years now, I wouldn't expect him to "feel" anything for me. He has redecorated his entire life upon returning home, has a new place to live (which he will not tell anyone where that is), has a different car, has new friends he hangs out with, and possibly has a new relationship with a girl that was deployed with him. I don't have concrete proof of it, but I know enough to know they are closer than any wife would be comfortable with her husband being with another woman. I have had so little contact with him that I don't really know what he is suffering with or doing, he works 6 or 7 days a week and takes classes online, but I have no other insight into his life. Is he out partying, does he date, is he a drinker now? He does not support me in any way, just completely exed me out of his life, and has been nothing short of stone cold cruel to me since his return. It is not just me he has cut himself off from, he doesn't se e or speak to his family much at all, even his grandmother hasn't seen him ( and she calls me on a regular basis, so I know this firsthand). I realize deployment changes people, but this is ridiculous. What is most astounding and confusing is that despite his absolute decision that divorce was the only option for him, he has not yet filed. It has been 9 months I have been sitting here waiting to be served divorce papers, and nothing has happened. I have told him I don't want the divorce, told him I would fight for our marriage, sent him countless messages reminding him of how happy we were together and how much I still cared, all of which I know I shouldn't have done. But I truly felt like he was suffering with some kind of mental issue, still do to a degree, which is why I have treated this with kid gloves, trying to encourage him and tell him that I am here for him. That time has passed. I can no longer allow him to treat me like this. He has shown absolutely no regard for my well-being, for my hurt, for what happens to me, and I have allowed it because I felt as though taking any steps would force the divorce that I don't want. In November, the last time we spoke on the phone, he sounded like his old self for the first time, and when I asked him where he stood on the divorce or what he wanted, he said he was "just trying to figure things out". In January, after essentially bribing him to show up for dinner so that we could discuss things (which he did not show up for), he simply said that he cared about me but his heart wasn't in it anymore, that it was best if we just went our separate ways. I have spoken to his Commander, which he is not aware of, but the military will do nothing about what they consider a civil matter. That leaves me with the only option being to contact or show up at his work, which will no doubt just make me look a fool, like the vindictive wife trying to make her husband look bad. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to file for a divorce that I don't want. I don't know what behaviors to change because when we were together, we were both very happy, there wasn't any arguing or issues. I realize fully that this isn't about me, that it is his issue and I need to move forward with me life, but there is this giant gaping hole that I don't know how to navigate around. I've waited faithfully for his return for over 2 years now, this is beyond devastating, and while I have done very well to continue on with my life (about to graduate from school in May, already have a good job lined up, managed to keep my home despite not having any income since he left), I am struggling with what to do, how to proceed from here. I feel as though he has been able to create this new life for himself that has made things as easy on himself as possible, taken the path of least resistance, which has made things ten times as hard for me. He doesn't have to fac e his own guilt or shame at what he's done to me, as long as I stay silently out of the picture, and the minute I start to make noise he holds the divorce paperwork over my head. Please help, anyone. I am so tired of this situation and it's unending pain and frustration. There just is no answers coming, and I don't know how much more I can take. I do okay during the week, when I am busy with school, but the weekends roll around and I am right back down in the dumps, alone and sad and frustrated. I keep praying for an end to this nightmare, but I just don't ever wake up..... Thank you. | |||
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