| First I would like to say Thanks to who ever created this website and to everyone who visits and post on this site. This site has made my situation bearable over the last few weeks. Here is my story So in the beginning of December I get "We need to talk" from my wife. I say ok, what's up. She says. "I'm not happy, I am thinking about moving out and getting a divorce." Now that may seem normal for some situations, but keep in mind my wife has never once told me there was a problem in our marriage. She has never complained to me about any big issues that needed addressed. For the most part we had a very good marriage. I am faithful husband we rarely argue, I have my freedom in the marriage and she had hers. Needless to say I was beyond shocked, my heart fell to the floor, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. So I asked what why aren't you happy and why do you feel divorce is the situation? This is the first I heard of this problem. Anyhow long story short, there were many things that had bothered her for a very long time. I worked a full time job and also ran a business which took an additional 30 hours a week. I did a great job of being a father and taking care of the kids but a lousy job of being a loving husband and being there for my wife emotionally and physically. She basically felt abandoned. The problem was she never once in 3 years said a word to me about it. If I told her I was going out of town she was always ok with it. Never complained etc.. She did tell me a few times; I don't need all of those things so if you don't want to work so hard don't. But she never told me I would rather spend time with you than have you work on making extra income. I honestly thought I was father or husband of the year. Working two jobs, to provide an above normal life for our family hopefully doing well enough to retire in 5 more years and relax. Keep in mind I am only 45 and my wife 35. I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and a 5 year old with my wife. There were more problems she never mentioned as well. Problems with her step daughter, me not spending enough time with her, me leaving her out of large financial decisions, she felt like her opinion didn't matter, and she felt like she had no control or say in our marriage. My wife and I both have always been the kind of people who just handle our problems and emotions. We don't fight over things, if she is mad about something she will take a few minutes to bury that anger and then just live with it. Communication is probably our only issues. Naturally it has caused many little issues which have festered in her mind for years. Lack of communication I know now has caused many problems in our marriage which each of us were not aware of. We have been together for 11 years and married for 6. I just found out last week that she was considering divorcing me over well over a year ago. But she never once spoke to me about the problems or asked me to make change or talk about things. She just lived with that pain, hurt and anger for well over a year. My marriage is the most important think on the planet to me. She told me about these problems the biggest being my business and the next day, I quit the business and started working on fixing all the other issues she had mentioned. I have made some drastic changes over the last two months. Now keep in mind these are changes I wanted and needed to make when I actually sat back and looked at my situation. I am much happier now. I relationship with my kids, my mother, grandmother, friends, co workers, etc are all much better. These were needed and welcomed changes. From the outside looking in I felt like I was doing the right thing but in reality I wasn't. She has a very large wall up and will not let me in. She has told me she knows I am a great father and a great person, we have the same values, she is happy with all the changes I have made. She said to me every part of me knows I should want to try and fix our marriage but I can't. She even said I know I will probably regret it and I could be making the biggest F**King mistake of my life. But I just get over the hurt and anger I feel. She says she has disconnected from me and is not in love with me. And she doesn't believe she can fall in love with me again. She has almost moved out 3 different times now and I have convinced her to stay. But she has told me recently, "I know you are willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage but I am not. The only thing I am willing to do is see a counselor on a personal level and see if I can get over the hurt and anger I feel." So we are still living together, we do not sleep in the same bed, and she will have nothing to do with me physically, she is not even comfortable holding my hand, or giving my son a group hug when he asks us for one. She said she needs some space and some time to work through things, which I am giving her. But it is getting very hard for me. She is basically living a single life under my roof. We have split the custody weekends and days as if we were living separately, on her days off she is gone off and out on the town, concerts, out dancing, running around with her friends, etc. Now she has never been on her own, she has always lived with someone me, a friend, her mom, etc. I think she is going through some kind of midlife crisis thinking she missed out on something, thinking the grass is greener being single. And it is as long as she is single and living under my roof. She has the best of both worlds. So finally to the question… Am I screwing up my chances of reconciliation by allowing her to live comfortably under my roof while she tries to work through things? I think she is experiencing a false sense of what it will be like to be single. She is living in her own home, paying no bills, not uprooting her son. I feel I am making it too easy on her. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. | |||
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