Hello all,
I am 37 year old female who married her Boy Friend of 5 years, about 10 months ago. We are both Indians living in the United States. I met him 5 years ago, online on an Indian matrimonial website and had an instant connection. I was still in school pursuing PhD in math. He was working at a very good position with a reputable company.
The first 2 years were wonderful like fairy tale. Towards the beginning of 3rd year, things started falling apart. His mother passed away due to diabetes. Later that year, he gave me and my family a date to get married. But as the date approached he canceled the wedding, blaming his father's cultural needs. Then another date was picked, which was again canceled right the day before getting married. For similar reasons. then a 3rd date was picked. This time my brother was coming from india to visit me, and just to be present for my wedding. It was not a big event, we both had agreed that we would just go for a court marriage. But again the same story. ...All blamed his father for cultural reasons. Then on the 6th or the 7th date that was given, he decided to tell the truth right the day before we were to get married. He said he was involved with an american girl (13 years ago), who is a high school graduate. He said he had been paying her bills since then as she quit her job a fter meeting him. She was a sales person in some store. He said he wanted to end that episode before he married me. I was furious. And obviously wanted to break up. But then he lied to me that he stopped giving her money and the drama of marriage dates repeated over and over again. Why i stayed? I dont know? Coz he would come stand at my door all night? We lived 8 hrs (of drive) apart. He would just drive and come see me every-time i stopped speaking. It was a torture, his family helped him all the way in his lies, taking the blame on themselves and making me feel like a jerk. Like i was saying something inappropriate or doing something inapproriate. If i called, they had a problem, if i did not call them, another problem. I could never do anything right. But anyways, again i was told he is still giving his girlfriend money and that was the real reason. And so one fine day he actually stopped giving her money and decided to marry me for real. I was not sure what i wanted to do. I was emotionally dependent on him, but i had all this hurt in me, did not trust him or his family at all. On one or two occasions, i heard his family (father) telling that they were doing all this because he (my husband) is giving them money. And yes, despite knowing all this i still married him. Bad decision, very bad decision.
The very first week of getting married he asked me if he could go india and visit his family "now that he married me". And he said many other things that were just pertaining to him. At the time he asked, i agreed coz i did not find anything wrong in what he was asking. But by the end of the week, i realized that he is not talking about me, my feelings, my hurts, about being a better person, or us , where we would live (at the time of the marriage, he was in dallas and i was in michigan),..it was all about him and what he wanted...I wanted to run away..yes just in 1 week.
We took counselling right after that. And guess what, he lied to the therapist.
After marriage, he and his family never did anything proactively to show that they were sorry for the way they handled his ex-gf money situation. All they expect is that, it is my responsibility to forget and forgive and live happily ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And here i am still unhappy, still not trusting him. Not in touch with his family. Who still are ready to point finger at me for everything that does not go in their favor, even though i do not speak to them. My husband just bends his head and tolerates everything they say, because they are his family, he grew up with them, because they did everything for him...these are the reasons i get. He never ever, never never never has stood up for me. The only few times he answered them was when i fought with him and told him repeatedly how i feel. He has 3 brothers and a sister. His oldest brother has a vehicle showroom which apparently never does good business. So he always needs money. So after much arguing, the money flow to his brother stopped. But life has to be more difficult, now the father has started asking for money. And his father does not need to explain or give a reason. He has the right to ask. Which to an extent i am okay with. But i am not okay if i know he made a wro ng decision with his finances. Please read below. You will know what i am saying. His two younger brothers have graduated from college like 3 years ago and are still looking for job....So you know they always have so many reasons to ask for money.
Even though my husband now is a CTO of a start up company and makes big bucks, he still has no money. Why? He lied to me about his loans before getting married. He has 38K on his credit card and 3 pension loans. 2 of which are 16K. I was stunned. He does not own a house. He used to drive a 2nd hand car that broke down now and then. (He drives an audi now, after pushing him to do something for himself). I asked him what he did with all that money..apparently he gave most of it to his family. That is a lot of money in india? I wonder what they do with all that. And despite all this, last month his father took a loan to do some flooring work of his house. Which obviously he is not able to pay off, so my husband gets a call. I was so mad, the older brother never has money coz his business does not run well and his younger brothers are still looking for a job. Was it necessary to do the flooring? Thats all a lie, i do not believe any of his father's story.
And why am i upset, coz my husband will do anything for his family but nothing for us. He goes above and beyond to defend their decisions and act as if they can never ever do anything wrong. To his family, i am non-existent. I exist only when something is not working in their favor, so they need me to blame. We now live more apart then ever. He took up a job in CA, and I am in Mi. He does come see me every 3 weeks. But it is always something happening with him or his family. 3 months ago he was self-pitying and trying to tell me that he did not have money to pay rent (meaning i should give him?????????????????). He makes 3 times of what i make. We signed a pre-nup before entering the marriage. So, we opened a joint account and he puts 2000 dollars for me in that account. since i know how he is with money, i put 1000 in savings and use the remaining 1000 for my bills (its enough as living expenses are not that high here). I save my money also in savings and CD coz i want to bu y a house. And what he does. He is paying 220 for a personal trainer at gym every month. And then he comes to me saying i don't have money to eat. He also said he spends 60% of his money on me?????????????It makes me so mad. By arguing and pushing him i have been able to make him pay off 1 of the pension and 1.5 of the credit cards. And of course he has to say something, he said i was micromanaging him. Which actually might be the case. But i was just hoping he would behave like a 40 year old married responsible person...
And then when his father asked him for money, telling him his sobing story, he has made my life hell. Every sunday, he has to hurt me. He said he was wondering why he never has any money, and that when he looked in his account he is giving most of it to me. He makes like 12K per month (afther taxes) of which he is giving me 2K. And that i have not fulfilled my responsibilites as a wife and blah blah blah...
I know may will ask about sex life. Its null. The problem is i do not trust his at all..in any way. I feel lack of emotional connection, lack of empathy and biasedness. He has one rule for his family and another for my. He is not bad, but not good either. He always hides behind excuses like "i am weak", "i am not strong", "this is how i have been since childhood", "they (his family) did everything for me", .....
I am just tired of arguing. I know i made a wrong decision of marrying him.
I even went to a lawyer to initiate divorce, but i do not know what to do. I do not know if 10 months is enough time to give us a chance. I am just....so confused...but also frustrated at the same time.
I need help
I am 37 year old female who married her Boy Friend of 5 years, about 10 months ago. We are both Indians living in the United States. I met him 5 years ago, online on an Indian matrimonial website and had an instant connection. I was still in school pursuing PhD in math. He was working at a very good position with a reputable company.
The first 2 years were wonderful like fairy tale. Towards the beginning of 3rd year, things started falling apart. His mother passed away due to diabetes. Later that year, he gave me and my family a date to get married. But as the date approached he canceled the wedding, blaming his father's cultural needs. Then another date was picked, which was again canceled right the day before getting married. For similar reasons. then a 3rd date was picked. This time my brother was coming from india to visit me, and just to be present for my wedding. It was not a big event, we both had agreed that we would just go for a court marriage. But again the same story. ...All blamed his father for cultural reasons. Then on the 6th or the 7th date that was given, he decided to tell the truth right the day before we were to get married. He said he was involved with an american girl (13 years ago), who is a high school graduate. He said he had been paying her bills since then as she quit her job a fter meeting him. She was a sales person in some store. He said he wanted to end that episode before he married me. I was furious. And obviously wanted to break up. But then he lied to me that he stopped giving her money and the drama of marriage dates repeated over and over again. Why i stayed? I dont know? Coz he would come stand at my door all night? We lived 8 hrs (of drive) apart. He would just drive and come see me every-time i stopped speaking. It was a torture, his family helped him all the way in his lies, taking the blame on themselves and making me feel like a jerk. Like i was saying something inappropriate or doing something inapproriate. If i called, they had a problem, if i did not call them, another problem. I could never do anything right. But anyways, again i was told he is still giving his girlfriend money and that was the real reason. And so one fine day he actually stopped giving her money and decided to marry me for real. I was not sure what i wanted to do. I was emotionally dependent on him, but i had all this hurt in me, did not trust him or his family at all. On one or two occasions, i heard his family (father) telling that they were doing all this because he (my husband) is giving them money. And yes, despite knowing all this i still married him. Bad decision, very bad decision.
The very first week of getting married he asked me if he could go india and visit his family "now that he married me". And he said many other things that were just pertaining to him. At the time he asked, i agreed coz i did not find anything wrong in what he was asking. But by the end of the week, i realized that he is not talking about me, my feelings, my hurts, about being a better person, or us , where we would live (at the time of the marriage, he was in dallas and i was in michigan),..it was all about him and what he wanted...I wanted to run away..yes just in 1 week.
We took counselling right after that. And guess what, he lied to the therapist.
After marriage, he and his family never did anything proactively to show that they were sorry for the way they handled his ex-gf money situation. All they expect is that, it is my responsibility to forget and forgive and live happily ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And here i am still unhappy, still not trusting him. Not in touch with his family. Who still are ready to point finger at me for everything that does not go in their favor, even though i do not speak to them. My husband just bends his head and tolerates everything they say, because they are his family, he grew up with them, because they did everything for him...these are the reasons i get. He never ever, never never never has stood up for me. The only few times he answered them was when i fought with him and told him repeatedly how i feel. He has 3 brothers and a sister. His oldest brother has a vehicle showroom which apparently never does good business. So he always needs money. So after much arguing, the money flow to his brother stopped. But life has to be more difficult, now the father has started asking for money. And his father does not need to explain or give a reason. He has the right to ask. Which to an extent i am okay with. But i am not okay if i know he made a wro ng decision with his finances. Please read below. You will know what i am saying. His two younger brothers have graduated from college like 3 years ago and are still looking for job....So you know they always have so many reasons to ask for money.
Even though my husband now is a CTO of a start up company and makes big bucks, he still has no money. Why? He lied to me about his loans before getting married. He has 38K on his credit card and 3 pension loans. 2 of which are 16K. I was stunned. He does not own a house. He used to drive a 2nd hand car that broke down now and then. (He drives an audi now, after pushing him to do something for himself). I asked him what he did with all that money..apparently he gave most of it to his family. That is a lot of money in india? I wonder what they do with all that. And despite all this, last month his father took a loan to do some flooring work of his house. Which obviously he is not able to pay off, so my husband gets a call. I was so mad, the older brother never has money coz his business does not run well and his younger brothers are still looking for a job. Was it necessary to do the flooring? Thats all a lie, i do not believe any of his father's story.
And why am i upset, coz my husband will do anything for his family but nothing for us. He goes above and beyond to defend their decisions and act as if they can never ever do anything wrong. To his family, i am non-existent. I exist only when something is not working in their favor, so they need me to blame. We now live more apart then ever. He took up a job in CA, and I am in Mi. He does come see me every 3 weeks. But it is always something happening with him or his family. 3 months ago he was self-pitying and trying to tell me that he did not have money to pay rent (meaning i should give him?????????????????). He makes 3 times of what i make. We signed a pre-nup before entering the marriage. So, we opened a joint account and he puts 2000 dollars for me in that account. since i know how he is with money, i put 1000 in savings and use the remaining 1000 for my bills (its enough as living expenses are not that high here). I save my money also in savings and CD coz i want to bu y a house. And what he does. He is paying 220 for a personal trainer at gym every month. And then he comes to me saying i don't have money to eat. He also said he spends 60% of his money on me?????????????It makes me so mad. By arguing and pushing him i have been able to make him pay off 1 of the pension and 1.5 of the credit cards. And of course he has to say something, he said i was micromanaging him. Which actually might be the case. But i was just hoping he would behave like a 40 year old married responsible person...
And then when his father asked him for money, telling him his sobing story, he has made my life hell. Every sunday, he has to hurt me. He said he was wondering why he never has any money, and that when he looked in his account he is giving most of it to me. He makes like 12K per month (afther taxes) of which he is giving me 2K. And that i have not fulfilled my responsibilites as a wife and blah blah blah...
I know may will ask about sex life. Its null. The problem is i do not trust his at all..in any way. I feel lack of emotional connection, lack of empathy and biasedness. He has one rule for his family and another for my. He is not bad, but not good either. He always hides behind excuses like "i am weak", "i am not strong", "this is how i have been since childhood", "they (his family) did everything for me", .....
I am just tired of arguing. I know i made a wrong decision of marrying him.
I even went to a lawyer to initiate divorce, but i do not know what to do. I do not know if 10 months is enough time to give us a chance. I am just....so confused...but also frustrated at the same time.
I need help
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