Hi forum,
My first post. I'll try to keep this quick and to the point. Thank you in advance for your stories and advice.
I am a mostly typical American man, and my wife is from a country with a very different culture. Our marriage is mostly happy, but when we argue, it is a huge problem. The reason why it's such a big deal is because nothing ever gets resolved! Arguments are just endless, pointless screaming matches that just fizzle out but never go away, and I feel we never learn from them. Our mutual stubbornness and the seemingly unbridgeable cultural divide between us are the main sources of the issue, it seems to me. The next paragraph explains this last sentence.
Although I said I'm stubborn, I have no trouble apologizing, and can admit when I'm wrong. As a culturally typical American, I see humility, mutual respect, and apologies as the very first, essential step when resolving any conflict. My stubbornness -- and the cultural divide -- comes in when my wife does not approach problem-solving in the same way. She says that where she comes from, it's normal that when spouses fight (and especially if it's a screaming match as most of our arguments devolve into), no one apologizes (and in fact, she claims she's like physically unable to utter apologetic words when she's angry, which I think is complete BS but I digress), and that the way conflicts are resolved is just by dropping them.
Therefore, I am stubborn because I demand the American "apology" system or whatever to resolve conflicts, because for me, when there is a problem, just letting it dissipate is akin to just "bottling it up", which everybody knows is not a sustainable strategy. On the other hand, she is stubborn because the refuses to meet me half way by apologizing or ever admitting even a vanishing modicum of humility or fault in any issue. So in a nutshell, our two styles of conflict resolution are totally incompatible, and both of us seem unable to adopt the other's style, even for the greater good. My wife doesn't want to apologize, and I don't want us to scream at each other for an hour once or twice a week if there are no results.
So that is the situation generally, and despite that my relationship problems may be a bit more acute than most given the cultural divide between my wife and me, this kind of dynamic (i.e., two different styles) is no doubt very common. So with all that, my question for the forum is: How can you get someone to sit down to rationally discuss issues, or to compromise/identify a strategy that works for you both equally? I know her, so I know that asking her to sit down and try and figure out something that works for us won't work because she thinks it's ridiculous, and I don't think she'd be able to abandon her sh*t conflict-resolution strategy in the moment anyway. She will not be swayed by the typical American strategy of sitting down and agreeing to a level-headed, honest discussion like mutually-respecting adults. That is the ONLY thing that I understand really, so what can I do?? Does anyone with intercultural relationship experience have any words of wisdom? Conflicts in any relationship will inevitably arise over a lifetime, so I can't live with someone with whom I can't redress even the most basic problems.
So there's the issue. Not exactly as concise as I'd hoped, but hopefully it's at least clear, and I appreciate you sticking through it all. Please help me communicate with my wife; I want to do the right thing by her.
Sincerely,
--TMKJ
My first post. I'll try to keep this quick and to the point. Thank you in advance for your stories and advice.
I am a mostly typical American man, and my wife is from a country with a very different culture. Our marriage is mostly happy, but when we argue, it is a huge problem. The reason why it's such a big deal is because nothing ever gets resolved! Arguments are just endless, pointless screaming matches that just fizzle out but never go away, and I feel we never learn from them. Our mutual stubbornness and the seemingly unbridgeable cultural divide between us are the main sources of the issue, it seems to me. The next paragraph explains this last sentence.
Although I said I'm stubborn, I have no trouble apologizing, and can admit when I'm wrong. As a culturally typical American, I see humility, mutual respect, and apologies as the very first, essential step when resolving any conflict. My stubbornness -- and the cultural divide -- comes in when my wife does not approach problem-solving in the same way. She says that where she comes from, it's normal that when spouses fight (and especially if it's a screaming match as most of our arguments devolve into), no one apologizes (and in fact, she claims she's like physically unable to utter apologetic words when she's angry, which I think is complete BS but I digress), and that the way conflicts are resolved is just by dropping them.
Therefore, I am stubborn because I demand the American "apology" system or whatever to resolve conflicts, because for me, when there is a problem, just letting it dissipate is akin to just "bottling it up", which everybody knows is not a sustainable strategy. On the other hand, she is stubborn because the refuses to meet me half way by apologizing or ever admitting even a vanishing modicum of humility or fault in any issue. So in a nutshell, our two styles of conflict resolution are totally incompatible, and both of us seem unable to adopt the other's style, even for the greater good. My wife doesn't want to apologize, and I don't want us to scream at each other for an hour once or twice a week if there are no results.
So that is the situation generally, and despite that my relationship problems may be a bit more acute than most given the cultural divide between my wife and me, this kind of dynamic (i.e., two different styles) is no doubt very common. So with all that, my question for the forum is: How can you get someone to sit down to rationally discuss issues, or to compromise/identify a strategy that works for you both equally? I know her, so I know that asking her to sit down and try and figure out something that works for us won't work because she thinks it's ridiculous, and I don't think she'd be able to abandon her sh*t conflict-resolution strategy in the moment anyway. She will not be swayed by the typical American strategy of sitting down and agreeing to a level-headed, honest discussion like mutually-respecting adults. That is the ONLY thing that I understand really, so what can I do?? Does anyone with intercultural relationship experience have any words of wisdom? Conflicts in any relationship will inevitably arise over a lifetime, so I can't live with someone with whom I can't redress even the most basic problems.
So there's the issue. Not exactly as concise as I'd hoped, but hopefully it's at least clear, and I appreciate you sticking through it all. Please help me communicate with my wife; I want to do the right thing by her.
Sincerely,
--TMKJ
Put the internet to work for you.
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