I've never been to CWI before, though I've been on TAM for more than a year. I'm venturing here for some advice on how to help my sister, whose husband is cheating on her.
I've been struggling with how to advise her. They have been married for 25 years and have three kids ages 19, 18 and 17--two in college, one in high school.
It started a month or two ago, when he came to her and said he couldn't accept that his children had rejected Christianity. He belongs to a very fundamentalist church that preaches against science, evolution, homosexuality and equal standing for women. My sister does not share his faith, and his children, although raised as church goers, have rejected its tenants as well and hold the typically more liberal social outlooks of their peers.
He told my sister that this might be a deal breaker for him, that he blames her for their faithlessness, that he had failed to bring his household to heel and that his children's rejection of his faith is a great tragedy to him. That is children are not fundamentalist Christians is not new news--they are vocal about their political and religious leanings. My BIL, on the other hand, has become increasingly radical and intolerant in his conservative beliefs. Some of the things he has posted on FB have been outright offensive, and when his children reply with comments, he tells them they must delete their comments because it's HIS FB page. He also expects them not to post things he finds offensive to his faith on their own FB pages.
His children are wonderful people--and he has been a wonderful father to them. He and my sister always stressed education to them, and they have inquisitive minds. Two of them skipped a grade in middle school, one of them began college at age 16. They love their father very much, are respectful of him and his faith, but do not hide the fact that they do not share it.
Then the trickle truth started. Yes, there was someone else, but no it wasn't an affair. Okay, it's an emotional affair, but not sexual and she's not married. I told her to be braced for more, and yesterday she overcame her timidity and checked his texts. They are flirtatious and sexually suggestive. There are references to e-mailed photographs. The OW has children, and my sister did some checking and there is a man living at her address with the same last name--presumably a husband.
My brother in law says he will consider marriage counseling, but that he no longer feels the same way about my sister. He also said he won't end the affair and has talked about marrying the other woman.
I am in over my head for giving advice here, but my sister refuses to set any boundaries because she fears it will hurt the chances that her husband will eventually "burn through" the affair and come to his senses. I told her that he has made his choice, and that she should ask him to move out until he is ready to commit to working on the marriage with her--including ending his affair. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and she is willing to stand in the wings and wait for him to choose between her and the OW.
Am I pushing her too hard? She is devastated, and won't take care of herself. Not eating, not sleeping, and blaming herself for not being a better wife. She wants very much to stay married. She persuaded him to go to one MC session, but that was before he admitted to the affair.
She is paralyzed and can only think about the fact that she loves him, and that they had so many good years together. She is also concerned about finances if she asks him to move out until he is willing to end his affair.
I wish I could give her hope, but . . .
Thoughts? Should she kick him out? She did ask him to stay away on the night she first found out about the OW, and said that he seemed genuinely shocked. I don't think he expects her to put her foot down. Will it help or hurt her chances of reconciliation to set some boundaries?
I've been struggling with how to advise her. They have been married for 25 years and have three kids ages 19, 18 and 17--two in college, one in high school.
It started a month or two ago, when he came to her and said he couldn't accept that his children had rejected Christianity. He belongs to a very fundamentalist church that preaches against science, evolution, homosexuality and equal standing for women. My sister does not share his faith, and his children, although raised as church goers, have rejected its tenants as well and hold the typically more liberal social outlooks of their peers.
He told my sister that this might be a deal breaker for him, that he blames her for their faithlessness, that he had failed to bring his household to heel and that his children's rejection of his faith is a great tragedy to him. That is children are not fundamentalist Christians is not new news--they are vocal about their political and religious leanings. My BIL, on the other hand, has become increasingly radical and intolerant in his conservative beliefs. Some of the things he has posted on FB have been outright offensive, and when his children reply with comments, he tells them they must delete their comments because it's HIS FB page. He also expects them not to post things he finds offensive to his faith on their own FB pages.
His children are wonderful people--and he has been a wonderful father to them. He and my sister always stressed education to them, and they have inquisitive minds. Two of them skipped a grade in middle school, one of them began college at age 16. They love their father very much, are respectful of him and his faith, but do not hide the fact that they do not share it.
Then the trickle truth started. Yes, there was someone else, but no it wasn't an affair. Okay, it's an emotional affair, but not sexual and she's not married. I told her to be braced for more, and yesterday she overcame her timidity and checked his texts. They are flirtatious and sexually suggestive. There are references to e-mailed photographs. The OW has children, and my sister did some checking and there is a man living at her address with the same last name--presumably a husband.
My brother in law says he will consider marriage counseling, but that he no longer feels the same way about my sister. He also said he won't end the affair and has talked about marrying the other woman.
I am in over my head for giving advice here, but my sister refuses to set any boundaries because she fears it will hurt the chances that her husband will eventually "burn through" the affair and come to his senses. I told her that he has made his choice, and that she should ask him to move out until he is ready to commit to working on the marriage with her--including ending his affair. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and she is willing to stand in the wings and wait for him to choose between her and the OW.
Am I pushing her too hard? She is devastated, and won't take care of herself. Not eating, not sleeping, and blaming herself for not being a better wife. She wants very much to stay married. She persuaded him to go to one MC session, but that was before he admitted to the affair.
She is paralyzed and can only think about the fact that she loves him, and that they had so many good years together. She is also concerned about finances if she asks him to move out until he is willing to end his affair.
I wish I could give her hope, but . . .
Thoughts? Should she kick him out? She did ask him to stay away on the night she first found out about the OW, and said that he seemed genuinely shocked. I don't think he expects her to put her foot down. Will it help or hurt her chances of reconciliation to set some boundaries?
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