Will be a struggle to be brief...
I grew up a "good" kid. I was raised Catholic, I got a "Christian citizenship" award in high school. I prided myself on being respectful, kind, moral, yet also driven and accomplished. Things seem to come pretty easy: I was a very good athlete and virtually a straight-A student. I was accepted to a highly regarded college, and was to play sports there. I had a long-term girlfriend in high school (only dated one or two for any amount of time besides her). I had a knee operation my last year of high school, and couldn't play football my freshman year of college. The girlfriend (a year younger) and I broke up, pretty ugly fashion. Between the two, I basically checked out of my classes and got something like a C- average that year.
The next year, I met my now-wife (different school, but close by), and it was immediately intense yet comfortable, I felt like we knew each other for months, after just weeks. I discovered my social self in college as well. I switched to baseball (a little easier on the knee) and after another operation, manage to play football my last year. I picked up my academics enough to finish with a 2.7 GPA or so. I landed a professional job (in a career I am still in) immediately after school, and my wife and I got married later that year. Despite a brief hiccup, life had again seemed to be going pretty easily. I'll say here for the record, my wife is a great person: she is kind, and beautiful, and smart, and caring. Hard as it may be to believe, none of what I talk about, will ultimately have to do with who she is as a person (although I am very aware, it concerns her).
It didn't take long for me to become stressed over that job, though. It felt so plain, people always used to talk of me like I would do something unique and maybe lucrative? My wife went to graduate school, so I was supporting both of us. It became a constant stressor. However, I was raised to have a good work ethic, I just thought, life is hard, work is work, it's my job to support us, our future family....so I sucked it up. It took six years before we had kids, and you can imagine, it's both amazing and wonderful, and more stressful. We moved back to my hometown area to be near some family and friends, but my familiy had gone a lot of ways by that time (parents divorced when I was 18, a long time coming, unfortunately), and as modern life would have it, we really didn't see any of those who were still somewhat close. We had some close friends, but the bottom line is, it was my wife and I raising these two kids, 100% on our own. Keep in mind, I admit, all the while, I was a constant self-examiner: was my job the right one, is this all there is to life, am I good enough, etc...?
I think the kickoff was, I had a huge falling out with my sister. Worth noting, she is very likely an undiagnosed borderline/bipolar. In that incident, she accused me of, and called me, things that hurt me to my very core. I didn't believe it, really, but I was definitely scared she was right, my self-esteem just went to hell. I'll just jump right to, that this was right at the birth of social media, and it happened I reconnected with that high school g/f around this time (call her "S"). It started completely above board; I even told my wife (they had met way back when). S and I would email often (I sit at a computer all day, she's a SAHM), all just chatting about our lives now, our kids, all kinds of things. Then, a bad group of thoughts and conversations all happened at the same time, where the result we both thought was, to be blunt: "oh, crap, what if I made the wrong choice?" It most definitely became an emotional affair, and then we saw each other a handful (3-4 ?) of times. We did not have sex, but we got physical (kissing). That quickly ceased, because it sent us both just spiraling. I mean, the physical part was intense, a good feeling on its own, but I could tell that wasn't what I was really looking for, and my guilt/shame just became overpowering. I lost weight, I barely ate for weeks, I became withdrawn from my wife. Eventually, it came out and it was hell. I still had this horrible emotional attachment to S, and didn't know why, but was completely ashamed of what happened.
My wife demanded I go to counseling, which I agreed to, I wanted to know what the heck to do with all of this, what was going on in my head. That counselor said I should go to marital counseling. We did that, then that counselor said I needed my own counseling first. It was discouraging and maddening. This was amid a very stressful time at work, I decided to take a break from trying either. We found another couples counselor, but then that one recommended I go on my own! I chose to do so with that counselor, and I have been seeing her ever since, almost five years now, gasp, of varying frequency. She has been great, and over that time, I feel I have learned some great things about myself. So now onto those....and I'm going to start speeding up, surely leaving some gaps, so bear with me and please don't assume too much of what's unsaid, I'm happy to answer/fill in later.
I am now a firm atheist. I tried to turn to my religion during the worst of this, and discovered...there's no one helping me but me. There are no 'signs from God' out there, there are only things that I will interpret as I am willing to see fit, and act on, or not act on. As I further explored, I almost became ashamed that I bought into my religion. I'm now 'middle-aged,' I've seen a lot of awful things happen, in the world, to people close to me. My father died a few months ago: healthy last January, succumbing to pancreatic cancer a year later. The only way I was able to reconcile these things in my life, is to drop the idea that God ought to be helping me out. The only way I finally stopped tearing up my stomach over the affair, was to realize, I will not go to hell for it, to stop listening to mass readings, and other things telling me how horrible I am for it. I forgave myself, and found my own morality, which I feel good about, and realized, I didn't need any hi gher power to validate it. As one of my favorite quotes now says, "Highly evolved people have their own conscience as pure law." Without the need for the moral guidance, I didn't have to also carry the hypocrisy of religion, especially Catholicism (with the boy raping and all...). However, this viewpoint is very looked down upon: I have personally seen comments written online, where people firmly believe, atheists are criminals, or satanists, or morally bankrupy individuals, just looking for an excuse. Moreover, a lot of religious people are vocal in that, atheists will go to hell. So, "coming out" as an atheist, in some arenas, will surely set me up for attack.
The problem is, that has led me to inspect the idea of marriage, too. Let me first say, I absolutely got married too young. I had never been on my own, never had no one to answer to, dated maybe three girls legitimately. As I stated, my life came pretty easy, and I went with the flow: you go to college, you get a job, you find a nice girl, you marry her, you have kids, and on and on.... How much of that was religion-based, society-based, who knows, but I can tell you, I really did not put thought into marrying my wife. Again, she is a great woman, a great wife, but if I was honest in my hindsight, I'd say I got married because, I just thought that's what you're supposed to do, when you're at the stage of life I was at, and you have a nice girl willing to do it with you.
Now here's the other attack I fear: after years of marriage, and problems, and setbacks, and my personal failures, and my wife's too (she's great, but not without her faults, to be sure)...I'm just not sure I believe in the idea of marriage. Two people, committing for LIFE, to be obligated to be the overwhelmingly majority of emotional and practical support for the other, come hell or high water...and I equate it to religion, in this way (to be somewhat coy): the only other topic you'll hear made fun of, or debated, or have its negative aspects joked about, or b**ched about, as much as religion....is marriage. On one hand, I understand the idea of, "life is hard, you have to work at it," I get it, I already said, I think I have an excellent work ethic, but wow.....a marriage is SO HARD. You know, a job is hard, but there's far less emotional/personal issues in play at a job, and you know what people will say when you complain enough about your job? Go get another one! Ra ising kids is hard, REALLY hard, but you know what people say? "Boy, I can't wait until they move out!" Your own flesh and blood, raised from their very birth, and most parents cannot wait until they don't have to do it any more!
And why exactly do we do it? Why do people get married? Really think about this question. It's not to show love, you can love each other without being married. It's not to have kids; having sex and raising kids does not require marriage. It's not to have someone there to comfort you when you're sad. Have you ever called up a friend, had a lousy day, said, "can you come over?" That doesn't require marriage? And (believe it or not), a closely related question: why is infidelity so horrible? I'll offer my situation, and this is where I'm setting myself up to get slammed, and believe it or not, it's hard to "say" out loud. When I was kissing that other woman, before the guilt stormed in, before all the horrible implications hit me....that singular moment, was amazing. It was a rush. If you can remember to what it was like, being with someone new (after 15 yrs of marriage and 20 years not seeing her...it was 'new'). Now, think what my wife feels like when she thinks of that... I know I have. She feels horrible, right? Understandable, right? Well, sort of, is my point. This sounds laughable to say, but it's just for illustration: if she was really, ONLY concerned with me, if she was truly "selfless," wouldn't she think, "hey, good for him, what a rush that must be, he must feel great!" But that isn't how she actually feels, of course. Why is that? Because she's thinking, when you boil it down, "hey, he's mine!" My point is, I see marriage as entirely "selfish." We don't marry people to get the good out of them that we want, because they can give us that on their own. We marry people so that they HAVE to give it to us WHENEVER we want, and specifically also CANNOT give it to anyone else. Marriage is about taking away the option; it is about constraints. To again compare religion: Religion isn't about "being a good person," it's about being good in the way your particular faith deems you have to, follow the right rules, say this prayer, go to this service, don't eat this food, etc... You can be a great partner, friend, confidant, supporter, co-parent....all without marriage. Marriage is about, having to do those things in very specific ways, around other very specific rules. Rules that I don't believe are fair, or indicative that you are a "good partner" or "good person," it's like they're there simply as a test. If you want an example, just YouTube "marriage comedian" and play any clip that pops up, you'll find countless examples of the hoops and obstacles that, not only do married people jump through, but that they constantly lament having to jump through, and that single people absolutely laugh their asses off at.
And here's my final thought: I always thought I was a good person, a very good person. I sit here today, wanting to officially "come out" as an atheist, and feeling like I just can't be a good husband, with these thoughts I have, these perspectives. And I'm frozen with fear. Is it all a phase, will I change my mind? The affair with S, I thought for sure she was my new reality, and I jumped and acted on it, and I was wrong, and look where it got me. Will I be an outcast, among friends and family, an atheist, who must have just abandoned his values, cheated on his wife, now quit on his wife and family, thinks the grass is greener?
So, that's where I stand today, completely stuck, confused, stressed, feeling like I know who I am, and how I feel....but feeling like a bad person for it all, even though, in my actions, day to day, I still feel like a very GOOD person. I have no idea where to go from here. :(
I grew up a "good" kid. I was raised Catholic, I got a "Christian citizenship" award in high school. I prided myself on being respectful, kind, moral, yet also driven and accomplished. Things seem to come pretty easy: I was a very good athlete and virtually a straight-A student. I was accepted to a highly regarded college, and was to play sports there. I had a long-term girlfriend in high school (only dated one or two for any amount of time besides her). I had a knee operation my last year of high school, and couldn't play football my freshman year of college. The girlfriend (a year younger) and I broke up, pretty ugly fashion. Between the two, I basically checked out of my classes and got something like a C- average that year.
The next year, I met my now-wife (different school, but close by), and it was immediately intense yet comfortable, I felt like we knew each other for months, after just weeks. I discovered my social self in college as well. I switched to baseball (a little easier on the knee) and after another operation, manage to play football my last year. I picked up my academics enough to finish with a 2.7 GPA or so. I landed a professional job (in a career I am still in) immediately after school, and my wife and I got married later that year. Despite a brief hiccup, life had again seemed to be going pretty easily. I'll say here for the record, my wife is a great person: she is kind, and beautiful, and smart, and caring. Hard as it may be to believe, none of what I talk about, will ultimately have to do with who she is as a person (although I am very aware, it concerns her).
It didn't take long for me to become stressed over that job, though. It felt so plain, people always used to talk of me like I would do something unique and maybe lucrative? My wife went to graduate school, so I was supporting both of us. It became a constant stressor. However, I was raised to have a good work ethic, I just thought, life is hard, work is work, it's my job to support us, our future family....so I sucked it up. It took six years before we had kids, and you can imagine, it's both amazing and wonderful, and more stressful. We moved back to my hometown area to be near some family and friends, but my familiy had gone a lot of ways by that time (parents divorced when I was 18, a long time coming, unfortunately), and as modern life would have it, we really didn't see any of those who were still somewhat close. We had some close friends, but the bottom line is, it was my wife and I raising these two kids, 100% on our own. Keep in mind, I admit, all the while, I was a constant self-examiner: was my job the right one, is this all there is to life, am I good enough, etc...?
I think the kickoff was, I had a huge falling out with my sister. Worth noting, she is very likely an undiagnosed borderline/bipolar. In that incident, she accused me of, and called me, things that hurt me to my very core. I didn't believe it, really, but I was definitely scared she was right, my self-esteem just went to hell. I'll just jump right to, that this was right at the birth of social media, and it happened I reconnected with that high school g/f around this time (call her "S"). It started completely above board; I even told my wife (they had met way back when). S and I would email often (I sit at a computer all day, she's a SAHM), all just chatting about our lives now, our kids, all kinds of things. Then, a bad group of thoughts and conversations all happened at the same time, where the result we both thought was, to be blunt: "oh, crap, what if I made the wrong choice?" It most definitely became an emotional affair, and then we saw each other a handful (3-4 ?) of times. We did not have sex, but we got physical (kissing). That quickly ceased, because it sent us both just spiraling. I mean, the physical part was intense, a good feeling on its own, but I could tell that wasn't what I was really looking for, and my guilt/shame just became overpowering. I lost weight, I barely ate for weeks, I became withdrawn from my wife. Eventually, it came out and it was hell. I still had this horrible emotional attachment to S, and didn't know why, but was completely ashamed of what happened.
My wife demanded I go to counseling, which I agreed to, I wanted to know what the heck to do with all of this, what was going on in my head. That counselor said I should go to marital counseling. We did that, then that counselor said I needed my own counseling first. It was discouraging and maddening. This was amid a very stressful time at work, I decided to take a break from trying either. We found another couples counselor, but then that one recommended I go on my own! I chose to do so with that counselor, and I have been seeing her ever since, almost five years now, gasp, of varying frequency. She has been great, and over that time, I feel I have learned some great things about myself. So now onto those....and I'm going to start speeding up, surely leaving some gaps, so bear with me and please don't assume too much of what's unsaid, I'm happy to answer/fill in later.
I am now a firm atheist. I tried to turn to my religion during the worst of this, and discovered...there's no one helping me but me. There are no 'signs from God' out there, there are only things that I will interpret as I am willing to see fit, and act on, or not act on. As I further explored, I almost became ashamed that I bought into my religion. I'm now 'middle-aged,' I've seen a lot of awful things happen, in the world, to people close to me. My father died a few months ago: healthy last January, succumbing to pancreatic cancer a year later. The only way I was able to reconcile these things in my life, is to drop the idea that God ought to be helping me out. The only way I finally stopped tearing up my stomach over the affair, was to realize, I will not go to hell for it, to stop listening to mass readings, and other things telling me how horrible I am for it. I forgave myself, and found my own morality, which I feel good about, and realized, I didn't need any hi gher power to validate it. As one of my favorite quotes now says, "Highly evolved people have their own conscience as pure law." Without the need for the moral guidance, I didn't have to also carry the hypocrisy of religion, especially Catholicism (with the boy raping and all...). However, this viewpoint is very looked down upon: I have personally seen comments written online, where people firmly believe, atheists are criminals, or satanists, or morally bankrupy individuals, just looking for an excuse. Moreover, a lot of religious people are vocal in that, atheists will go to hell. So, "coming out" as an atheist, in some arenas, will surely set me up for attack.
The problem is, that has led me to inspect the idea of marriage, too. Let me first say, I absolutely got married too young. I had never been on my own, never had no one to answer to, dated maybe three girls legitimately. As I stated, my life came pretty easy, and I went with the flow: you go to college, you get a job, you find a nice girl, you marry her, you have kids, and on and on.... How much of that was religion-based, society-based, who knows, but I can tell you, I really did not put thought into marrying my wife. Again, she is a great woman, a great wife, but if I was honest in my hindsight, I'd say I got married because, I just thought that's what you're supposed to do, when you're at the stage of life I was at, and you have a nice girl willing to do it with you.
Now here's the other attack I fear: after years of marriage, and problems, and setbacks, and my personal failures, and my wife's too (she's great, but not without her faults, to be sure)...I'm just not sure I believe in the idea of marriage. Two people, committing for LIFE, to be obligated to be the overwhelmingly majority of emotional and practical support for the other, come hell or high water...and I equate it to religion, in this way (to be somewhat coy): the only other topic you'll hear made fun of, or debated, or have its negative aspects joked about, or b**ched about, as much as religion....is marriage. On one hand, I understand the idea of, "life is hard, you have to work at it," I get it, I already said, I think I have an excellent work ethic, but wow.....a marriage is SO HARD. You know, a job is hard, but there's far less emotional/personal issues in play at a job, and you know what people will say when you complain enough about your job? Go get another one! Ra ising kids is hard, REALLY hard, but you know what people say? "Boy, I can't wait until they move out!" Your own flesh and blood, raised from their very birth, and most parents cannot wait until they don't have to do it any more!
And why exactly do we do it? Why do people get married? Really think about this question. It's not to show love, you can love each other without being married. It's not to have kids; having sex and raising kids does not require marriage. It's not to have someone there to comfort you when you're sad. Have you ever called up a friend, had a lousy day, said, "can you come over?" That doesn't require marriage? And (believe it or not), a closely related question: why is infidelity so horrible? I'll offer my situation, and this is where I'm setting myself up to get slammed, and believe it or not, it's hard to "say" out loud. When I was kissing that other woman, before the guilt stormed in, before all the horrible implications hit me....that singular moment, was amazing. It was a rush. If you can remember to what it was like, being with someone new (after 15 yrs of marriage and 20 years not seeing her...it was 'new'). Now, think what my wife feels like when she thinks of that... I know I have. She feels horrible, right? Understandable, right? Well, sort of, is my point. This sounds laughable to say, but it's just for illustration: if she was really, ONLY concerned with me, if she was truly "selfless," wouldn't she think, "hey, good for him, what a rush that must be, he must feel great!" But that isn't how she actually feels, of course. Why is that? Because she's thinking, when you boil it down, "hey, he's mine!" My point is, I see marriage as entirely "selfish." We don't marry people to get the good out of them that we want, because they can give us that on their own. We marry people so that they HAVE to give it to us WHENEVER we want, and specifically also CANNOT give it to anyone else. Marriage is about taking away the option; it is about constraints. To again compare religion: Religion isn't about "being a good person," it's about being good in the way your particular faith deems you have to, follow the right rules, say this prayer, go to this service, don't eat this food, etc... You can be a great partner, friend, confidant, supporter, co-parent....all without marriage. Marriage is about, having to do those things in very specific ways, around other very specific rules. Rules that I don't believe are fair, or indicative that you are a "good partner" or "good person," it's like they're there simply as a test. If you want an example, just YouTube "marriage comedian" and play any clip that pops up, you'll find countless examples of the hoops and obstacles that, not only do married people jump through, but that they constantly lament having to jump through, and that single people absolutely laugh their asses off at.
And here's my final thought: I always thought I was a good person, a very good person. I sit here today, wanting to officially "come out" as an atheist, and feeling like I just can't be a good husband, with these thoughts I have, these perspectives. And I'm frozen with fear. Is it all a phase, will I change my mind? The affair with S, I thought for sure she was my new reality, and I jumped and acted on it, and I was wrong, and look where it got me. Will I be an outcast, among friends and family, an atheist, who must have just abandoned his values, cheated on his wife, now quit on his wife and family, thinks the grass is greener?
So, that's where I stand today, completely stuck, confused, stressed, feeling like I know who I am, and how I feel....but feeling like a bad person for it all, even though, in my actions, day to day, I still feel like a very GOOD person. I have no idea where to go from here. :(
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