I want to be clear: I was DEVASTATED by my husband's affair. I am still suffering from the effects of the trauma. I am still grieving the loss of the marriage we had before - it will never be a marriage "untouched" by infidelity.
There are people who are much more compassionate than I am. I think Buddhists monks are probably the best at this - they meditate on it and work toward being more compassionate every day of their lives. There are people who have forgiven the murderers of their loved ones - they even meet with them, and I can't get my head around that.
I think that trying to be understanding of someone who has done something wrong, especially someone that we love, isn't a bad way to be. It's hard to do when the thing they've done wrong has wounded us so deeply. Trying to consider that there may be "contributing factors" - some internal emotional pain they weren't handling well, bad coping skills, something exceptionally stressful going on - would be a compassionate response, and I think that's a good thing to do, difficult though it may be. In no way do these factors justify bad behavior. But when otherwise good people do bad things, why not delve into what may have "turned" them into the kind of person they wouldn't ordinarily behave like?
If the affair just finally revealed their "true selves" that's something else entirely.
But maybe there was a situation involving a fallible person going through a bad time and the "wrong" circumstances all aligned. If a BS chooses to consider R (and that's totally up to each BS - D is certainly understandable, since the "contract" has been broken), it's rubbing salt in the wound if people they are turning to for "support" start bashing the WS (and sometimes the BS), and accusing the BS of "justifying" the affair whenever some compassion is shown to the WS.
My husband was never in love with the AP, but it took several weeks for him to come out of his fog (or for his meds to kick in again, whatever you want to blame - he'd weaned himself off, and that's when the affair started). An IC he was seeing who thought "transparency" wasn't respecting his "boundaries" didn't help matters any - I got him to quit that IC once I found out about the bad advice. I do think it's common for WS's to be in LaLa Land for awhile after D-Day; their thinking wasn't very clear going into the affair and they don't suddenly gain clarity the day the affair is exposed and ended. I didn't want to start MC right away because I could tell he wasn't ready - he became very anxious whenever we tried to discuss the affair. He did it in "bits and pieces," and I got confirmation of all the intel I had. I didn't want to force longer talks because he would visibly shake; I didn't see how it would help either of us for me to push him and ignore his anxiety sympto ms just because I wanted to keep talking.
But once he started to feel better and came out of his fog, he dove right into MC and really participated, and we've gotten SO much out it. He's been remorseful and he hates who he was back then. My being understanding of his anxiety and medical problems, and even of some communication problems in our marriage prior to the affair, in no way justifies what he did.
There are people who are much more compassionate than I am. I think Buddhists monks are probably the best at this - they meditate on it and work toward being more compassionate every day of their lives. There are people who have forgiven the murderers of their loved ones - they even meet with them, and I can't get my head around that.
I think that trying to be understanding of someone who has done something wrong, especially someone that we love, isn't a bad way to be. It's hard to do when the thing they've done wrong has wounded us so deeply. Trying to consider that there may be "contributing factors" - some internal emotional pain they weren't handling well, bad coping skills, something exceptionally stressful going on - would be a compassionate response, and I think that's a good thing to do, difficult though it may be. In no way do these factors justify bad behavior. But when otherwise good people do bad things, why not delve into what may have "turned" them into the kind of person they wouldn't ordinarily behave like?
If the affair just finally revealed their "true selves" that's something else entirely.
But maybe there was a situation involving a fallible person going through a bad time and the "wrong" circumstances all aligned. If a BS chooses to consider R (and that's totally up to each BS - D is certainly understandable, since the "contract" has been broken), it's rubbing salt in the wound if people they are turning to for "support" start bashing the WS (and sometimes the BS), and accusing the BS of "justifying" the affair whenever some compassion is shown to the WS.
My husband was never in love with the AP, but it took several weeks for him to come out of his fog (or for his meds to kick in again, whatever you want to blame - he'd weaned himself off, and that's when the affair started). An IC he was seeing who thought "transparency" wasn't respecting his "boundaries" didn't help matters any - I got him to quit that IC once I found out about the bad advice. I do think it's common for WS's to be in LaLa Land for awhile after D-Day; their thinking wasn't very clear going into the affair and they don't suddenly gain clarity the day the affair is exposed and ended. I didn't want to start MC right away because I could tell he wasn't ready - he became very anxious whenever we tried to discuss the affair. He did it in "bits and pieces," and I got confirmation of all the intel I had. I didn't want to force longer talks because he would visibly shake; I didn't see how it would help either of us for me to push him and ignore his anxiety sympto ms just because I wanted to keep talking.
But once he started to feel better and came out of his fog, he dove right into MC and really participated, and we've gotten SO much out it. He's been remorseful and he hates who he was back then. My being understanding of his anxiety and medical problems, and even of some communication problems in our marriage prior to the affair, in no way justifies what he did.
Put the internet to work for you.
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