Husband and I have just gotten through another sexual low point and are again trying to work on our sexual relationship.
For those not familiar with my backstory I have a history of being non orgasmic with H. We hit a point this past March when the sex became (emotionally) unbearable for me (as it was repetitious an involved no oral or other stimulation for me). Believe it or not there had never been a single conversation in 18 years about sexual satisfaction (or not.) This was all news to H.
We had a brief period of success during the summer in which H was able to bring me off. I also put in 6 months of IC to deal with my own body image issues and sexual history (which involved an eating disorder and strict religious upbringing.) This time of success passed due to anxiety on my part and then he seemed to lose interest.
H no longer believes he can bring me off and the attempts seem half hearted. I have not been letting this go on too long before moving on to PIV. However - we did have a big blow out recently over this issue. Cleared the air and agreed to give it another go. I have been thinking of asking him to try a few new things that might be successful and trying to get to a better place again.
I need help with phrasing and attitude with how to bring this about without making him feel like a failure or like I'm talking down to him.
I have realized that I'm really fine and okay not having O (in a given session) and don't expect to have it every time. Sometimes I just want intercourse, I don't want to mess around with anything else. When I first came to this board I was under the impression that if I got the orgasms rolling they would just naturally happen all the time. I am no longer under this impression and I am at peace with it - but I feel it's important for H to have a measure of success. His confidence has taken a beating with all of this, understandably.
On my last thread it was suggested that I need to have a better attitude and I agree. If I'm lying there thinking 'I can't, I can't, it's not going to happen' then it's not going to happen. I do need to be more optimistic.
I have been reading on sexual intimacy (thank you Faithful Wife). It is helpful. Not surprisingly the orgasm issue was just the tip of an intimacy issue. The intimacy is my true goal now and not the orgasm. But still, I need some way to make sex be a confidence booster for H.
Thanks to Working On Me for a post that really stuck with me. Men don't want pity or to be given false compliments or for women to guard their feelings. They want to be sex gods. They want to be wanted and know they can make us get there for real.
So - there are things I need to work on. Looking back over the past year I can see that I have changed a great deal already but I am still not where I want to be with this. Obviously. I can't believe how much I have dwelled on if we should even stay married. I'm weary of this issue. However, its the only part of my marriage that I am weary of. (But of course sex is no small thing.)There are many other good, even wonderful parts of him and of our marriage. We have been able to overcome and to change on other issues. It's not out of the question that we can get out of this cycle. (We are both 44, married 18 years, two teenagers.)
Suggestions, feedback?
For those not familiar with my backstory I have a history of being non orgasmic with H. We hit a point this past March when the sex became (emotionally) unbearable for me (as it was repetitious an involved no oral or other stimulation for me). Believe it or not there had never been a single conversation in 18 years about sexual satisfaction (or not.) This was all news to H.
We had a brief period of success during the summer in which H was able to bring me off. I also put in 6 months of IC to deal with my own body image issues and sexual history (which involved an eating disorder and strict religious upbringing.) This time of success passed due to anxiety on my part and then he seemed to lose interest.
H no longer believes he can bring me off and the attempts seem half hearted. I have not been letting this go on too long before moving on to PIV. However - we did have a big blow out recently over this issue. Cleared the air and agreed to give it another go. I have been thinking of asking him to try a few new things that might be successful and trying to get to a better place again.
I need help with phrasing and attitude with how to bring this about without making him feel like a failure or like I'm talking down to him.
I have realized that I'm really fine and okay not having O (in a given session) and don't expect to have it every time. Sometimes I just want intercourse, I don't want to mess around with anything else. When I first came to this board I was under the impression that if I got the orgasms rolling they would just naturally happen all the time. I am no longer under this impression and I am at peace with it - but I feel it's important for H to have a measure of success. His confidence has taken a beating with all of this, understandably.
On my last thread it was suggested that I need to have a better attitude and I agree. If I'm lying there thinking 'I can't, I can't, it's not going to happen' then it's not going to happen. I do need to be more optimistic.
I have been reading on sexual intimacy (thank you Faithful Wife). It is helpful. Not surprisingly the orgasm issue was just the tip of an intimacy issue. The intimacy is my true goal now and not the orgasm. But still, I need some way to make sex be a confidence booster for H.
Thanks to Working On Me for a post that really stuck with me. Men don't want pity or to be given false compliments or for women to guard their feelings. They want to be sex gods. They want to be wanted and know they can make us get there for real.
So - there are things I need to work on. Looking back over the past year I can see that I have changed a great deal already but I am still not where I want to be with this. Obviously. I can't believe how much I have dwelled on if we should even stay married. I'm weary of this issue. However, its the only part of my marriage that I am weary of. (But of course sex is no small thing.)There are many other good, even wonderful parts of him and of our marriage. We have been able to overcome and to change on other issues. It's not out of the question that we can get out of this cycle. (We are both 44, married 18 years, two teenagers.)
Suggestions, feedback?
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