So, as a lot of you know, we have been in R for a little over half a year now. We went to counseling for awhile, but eventually we realized there really wasn't anything more that could be addressed in marital counseling without him going to individual therapy first. Don't mean to blameshift, but all our existing problems start with him not following through with what he says, acting selfishly, being lazy, making excuses, etc. It's like he's a child who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself and for his family. Which hurts, because pretty much every thing I do every single day is for someone else. I do everything for my son, and for him, and at the end of the day I have no one looking out for ME.
Anyway, since the EA and everything that transpired, I have had far less patience with his "mess ups" (well, I call them poor choices). I feel like he should be on his very best behavior- not just regarding boundaries with other women, but in all aspects of our marriage. I feel like if he can't shape up with this stuff NOW, what motivation will he have to ever change?
Is it wrong to feel this way? I feel like someone outside looking in would say that I get pissed off about every little thing, but to me it feels like there is just such a HUGE pile of little things that add up, it's just adding one more flame to the fire. Am I being unfair?
Here's an example. In the mornings when he goes to shower, he used to sit down in the shower because he was still tired and waste so much time in the shower that then he would be late to work. I told him it really wasn't fair that he was taking half an hour to soak in the shower while I took 20 minutes to hurry up and get ready so I could watch our son and start getting his breakfast ready, etc. Why is it fair that I have to hurry up and then he gets to take a relaxing shower, then be late to work...it's just irresponsible. So I put a clock in our bathroom where he could see it from the shower and said, look, I understand you're tired, but I don't get to sit and take my time, so can you please stop doing that and get to work on time, or, if you insist on doing that, you need to wake up earlier to accommodate for your 35 minute shower. He told me he would stop and be mindful of the time. (This is why I feel like the mother in this relationship, why am I having to ask a g rown man to watch the time and not be late to work...)
ANYWAY, our toddler had a horrible night last night. He kept waking up, and one of us would have to go in there to get him back down. The night before, I was in there from 3-6 on the floor because it was the way everyone else would get the most sleep. Last night, I asked him to do it (well more like instructed because he wasn't volunteering to take his turn). So he was in there a few hours last night trying to sleep on the floor. So, this morning, since my son was up so much, he slept late. I knew both of us wouldn't have time to shower, so as soon as he got up and my husband brought him to me, I asked him to please go ahead and get in the shower right then so he could get ready with enough time for me to at least be able to wash my face and brush my teeth. That's all I asked. So 35 minutes later, he exits the shower. I ask him what took so long, he says "sorry, I sat down for awhile because I was tired." "Well, I didn't mean to sit down for so long." "Well, I was re ally tired." "Well, it's not an excuse but I took my medication late last night and it makes me groggy, remember?" This kind of thing I have NO patience for anymore. I got so pissed. Is it fair that I felt that way? I feel like under normal circumstances, I wouldn't get so angry. Or if these were one time instances, I would brush them off and move on. I just feel like at a time where he is supposed to be incredibly selfless, he's still so selfish and immature. And if he's not going to do it now, he's not going to ever do it. Right or wrong?
Anyway, since the EA and everything that transpired, I have had far less patience with his "mess ups" (well, I call them poor choices). I feel like he should be on his very best behavior- not just regarding boundaries with other women, but in all aspects of our marriage. I feel like if he can't shape up with this stuff NOW, what motivation will he have to ever change?
Is it wrong to feel this way? I feel like someone outside looking in would say that I get pissed off about every little thing, but to me it feels like there is just such a HUGE pile of little things that add up, it's just adding one more flame to the fire. Am I being unfair?
Here's an example. In the mornings when he goes to shower, he used to sit down in the shower because he was still tired and waste so much time in the shower that then he would be late to work. I told him it really wasn't fair that he was taking half an hour to soak in the shower while I took 20 minutes to hurry up and get ready so I could watch our son and start getting his breakfast ready, etc. Why is it fair that I have to hurry up and then he gets to take a relaxing shower, then be late to work...it's just irresponsible. So I put a clock in our bathroom where he could see it from the shower and said, look, I understand you're tired, but I don't get to sit and take my time, so can you please stop doing that and get to work on time, or, if you insist on doing that, you need to wake up earlier to accommodate for your 35 minute shower. He told me he would stop and be mindful of the time. (This is why I feel like the mother in this relationship, why am I having to ask a g rown man to watch the time and not be late to work...)
ANYWAY, our toddler had a horrible night last night. He kept waking up, and one of us would have to go in there to get him back down. The night before, I was in there from 3-6 on the floor because it was the way everyone else would get the most sleep. Last night, I asked him to do it (well more like instructed because he wasn't volunteering to take his turn). So he was in there a few hours last night trying to sleep on the floor. So, this morning, since my son was up so much, he slept late. I knew both of us wouldn't have time to shower, so as soon as he got up and my husband brought him to me, I asked him to please go ahead and get in the shower right then so he could get ready with enough time for me to at least be able to wash my face and brush my teeth. That's all I asked. So 35 minutes later, he exits the shower. I ask him what took so long, he says "sorry, I sat down for awhile because I was tired." "Well, I didn't mean to sit down for so long." "Well, I was re ally tired." "Well, it's not an excuse but I took my medication late last night and it makes me groggy, remember?" This kind of thing I have NO patience for anymore. I got so pissed. Is it fair that I felt that way? I feel like under normal circumstances, I wouldn't get so angry. Or if these were one time instances, I would brush them off and move on. I just feel like at a time where he is supposed to be incredibly selfless, he's still so selfish and immature. And if he's not going to do it now, he's not going to ever do it. Right or wrong?
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