I'm terrified to post this because I have no idea if anyone I may know is on this forum...my story is fairly unique. But….I need advice, so here goes.
I recently had a baby. I started off planning a home birth, and ended up quarantined in the hospital with swine flu at 42+3 weeks, labored for 36 long hours, then ended up getting an emergency c-section when it became apparent that I had not progressed at all in all of that time.
My husband apparently did some seriously awful things in the hospital, but I can't remember them clearly enough to feel confident in his motive in doing them. He apparently refused to take medication to protect our son from flu, he would not honor the quarantine, he got in a shouting match with my mother eight hours into my labor (and continued to engage in a really petty control game with her for the remainder of the time I was in the hospital), and he blew his germ-y nose in the OR when our son had just been born, and tried to give the tissue to one of the surgeons afterwards.
My mother spent four days after the birth telling me how psychotic my husband had acted. She wouldn't let it go- even when she would catch herself and say "But there's a new baby we should be happy about!" Five minutes later she'd be back to talking about how awful my husband was.
Since her stories matched up with the few clear memories I had (and I was on a lot of different medications that muddled my brain), I accepted them at face value, and I got really, really scared of what he might do next. I literally did not sleep for more than an hour at a time for almost five days! When I left the hospital, my mother and a few of my family came with me, and stayed. At the time, I wanted them there- I was terrified I would wake up and my baby would be gone.
However, my husband simply locked himself in his office for hours. Later that night (or maybe the next?) he came downstairs, asked to hold the baby, and my father refused to let him. They got in a nasty argument. I told my dad to back down, told my husband that I was scared and his behavior was unforgivable, and that I was thinking about getting a divorce. The next morning my husband called the police and claimed that my family had kidnapped his son.
As soon as I received confirmation from the officer that I had every right to take my son wherever I wanted, I packed up a few of my things and left our apartment without another word. Since then I've been staying at my mother's, trying to put my life back together, and struggling to understand what happened.
The more I think about it the more I am inclined to believe my mother provoked my husband on purpose. If that is the case, I have made a terrible mistake…but I have no clear memories and no proof, and I hesitate to base my future on a hunch.
My mother is a nightmare if she's mad at you or doesn't like you. As her child I've been on the wrong side of her passive-aggression a few too many times, and thus I know EXACTLY how my husband must have felt- trapped, insecure, unable to defend himself, excluded, unwanted, and probably demeaned and feeling like he couldn't do anything right. Given the high levels of tension and stress, I find myself surprised that he didn't 'snap' even more dramatically. To top it off, my mother is an expert at spinning a story in her favor, and doesn't hesitate to alter the facts to suit her…and then reacts to her changed story as if she truly cannot remember that she made it up. Plus, my mother won't let me talk to my midwife alone (which is weird and uncomfortable), and the midwife was the only other witness to this entire debacle. This, to me, is all the proof I need that somewhere between point A and point B, the story got changed.
My husband's behavior put me and our son in real danger no matter WHY he acted that way, and he is refusing to accept any responsibility for it (which is disturbing). He has been stuck on blaming it all on, and being angry at, my mother…to the exclusion of all else, including holding his own child when he had the chance.
My mother may have had a part to play in this mess, but my family as a whole has bent over backwards to take care of me in the aftermath, and I hate to be an ungrateful wretch and go back to the man they all think is an abuser. Plus…what if he really did go cuckoo? How can I subject my son (or myself!) to that kind of behavior again?
What do you think? Am I painting the situation in a rosy light because I miss him, or do I have a legitimate reason to second-guess what actually happened? If I do second-guess, what should I do next? Should I pursue divorce so I can at least get temporary custody and make a plan to move forward, or should I try to get my husband to go to counseling with me? If I do that….how long does it typically take to know whether it will 'work' or not? I cannot afford to pay rent in two apartments, I do not want to live with him again until/unless I know for sure he will NEVER repeat that behavior, and he cannot afford to live on his own (I am/was the primary 'breadwinner').
So….yeah. What do you think?
I recently had a baby. I started off planning a home birth, and ended up quarantined in the hospital with swine flu at 42+3 weeks, labored for 36 long hours, then ended up getting an emergency c-section when it became apparent that I had not progressed at all in all of that time.
My husband apparently did some seriously awful things in the hospital, but I can't remember them clearly enough to feel confident in his motive in doing them. He apparently refused to take medication to protect our son from flu, he would not honor the quarantine, he got in a shouting match with my mother eight hours into my labor (and continued to engage in a really petty control game with her for the remainder of the time I was in the hospital), and he blew his germ-y nose in the OR when our son had just been born, and tried to give the tissue to one of the surgeons afterwards.
My mother spent four days after the birth telling me how psychotic my husband had acted. She wouldn't let it go- even when she would catch herself and say "But there's a new baby we should be happy about!" Five minutes later she'd be back to talking about how awful my husband was.
Since her stories matched up with the few clear memories I had (and I was on a lot of different medications that muddled my brain), I accepted them at face value, and I got really, really scared of what he might do next. I literally did not sleep for more than an hour at a time for almost five days! When I left the hospital, my mother and a few of my family came with me, and stayed. At the time, I wanted them there- I was terrified I would wake up and my baby would be gone.
However, my husband simply locked himself in his office for hours. Later that night (or maybe the next?) he came downstairs, asked to hold the baby, and my father refused to let him. They got in a nasty argument. I told my dad to back down, told my husband that I was scared and his behavior was unforgivable, and that I was thinking about getting a divorce. The next morning my husband called the police and claimed that my family had kidnapped his son.
As soon as I received confirmation from the officer that I had every right to take my son wherever I wanted, I packed up a few of my things and left our apartment without another word. Since then I've been staying at my mother's, trying to put my life back together, and struggling to understand what happened.
The more I think about it the more I am inclined to believe my mother provoked my husband on purpose. If that is the case, I have made a terrible mistake…but I have no clear memories and no proof, and I hesitate to base my future on a hunch.
My mother is a nightmare if she's mad at you or doesn't like you. As her child I've been on the wrong side of her passive-aggression a few too many times, and thus I know EXACTLY how my husband must have felt- trapped, insecure, unable to defend himself, excluded, unwanted, and probably demeaned and feeling like he couldn't do anything right. Given the high levels of tension and stress, I find myself surprised that he didn't 'snap' even more dramatically. To top it off, my mother is an expert at spinning a story in her favor, and doesn't hesitate to alter the facts to suit her…and then reacts to her changed story as if she truly cannot remember that she made it up. Plus, my mother won't let me talk to my midwife alone (which is weird and uncomfortable), and the midwife was the only other witness to this entire debacle. This, to me, is all the proof I need that somewhere between point A and point B, the story got changed.
My husband's behavior put me and our son in real danger no matter WHY he acted that way, and he is refusing to accept any responsibility for it (which is disturbing). He has been stuck on blaming it all on, and being angry at, my mother…to the exclusion of all else, including holding his own child when he had the chance.
My mother may have had a part to play in this mess, but my family as a whole has bent over backwards to take care of me in the aftermath, and I hate to be an ungrateful wretch and go back to the man they all think is an abuser. Plus…what if he really did go cuckoo? How can I subject my son (or myself!) to that kind of behavior again?
What do you think? Am I painting the situation in a rosy light because I miss him, or do I have a legitimate reason to second-guess what actually happened? If I do second-guess, what should I do next? Should I pursue divorce so I can at least get temporary custody and make a plan to move forward, or should I try to get my husband to go to counseling with me? If I do that….how long does it typically take to know whether it will 'work' or not? I cannot afford to pay rent in two apartments, I do not want to live with him again until/unless I know for sure he will NEVER repeat that behavior, and he cannot afford to live on his own (I am/was the primary 'breadwinner').
So….yeah. What do you think?
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