I need some perspective and thoughts.
20 year marriage, no kids. I work, she does not. My wife had an affair which led me to sort of wake up and to recount the last 12 years. I realized that I have spent most of our marriage working hard to make the marriage work and help her be happy and she spent most of that time being unhappy expressed in various ways.
She does not express herself or say what she needs, but will act out to get her way. I have never seen her cry, but acting out is about being cold and angry. She hardly ever responds to me intimately or emotionally. She has become less transparent in her activities since I caught the affair. She refuses the idea of marriage counseling or therapy.
We get along and have fun together frequently when she is not in a bad mood ( ~40% of the time). We have the same sense of humor and enjoy activities together. However all of the issues with emotion and intimacy lead me to believe this part of relationship is just bull****--a facade.
It seems all the hard work I have done has not counted for much or at least she has been unable to make me feel that it has meant much to her. I now have regrets for trying as hard as I have and not getting clue earlier. The marriage just does not seem to mean all that much to her and I am unwilling to continue as it has been.
I explain this to her and told her I think divorce is the only answer for us because I don't see her changing or wanting to change. She thinks we are just swell and either does not believe I am serious or is unable to demonstrate that she does care about our marriage in any way beyond a smile and some words which is starting to take on a plastic quality in my imagination.
Thoughts? Anything else I can do here other than end it decisively? If I can save this I will. But that might be part of my problem. Though I am beyond being emotional about all this, I am a fixer and I am going nuts over not being able to fix this.
Oh, and yes, I have not been perfect in the marriage. I have never cheated but I am sure there are things I could have done differently. Thats not really point though. I say this only to show I am not completely self absorbed.
Thx
20 year marriage, no kids. I work, she does not. My wife had an affair which led me to sort of wake up and to recount the last 12 years. I realized that I have spent most of our marriage working hard to make the marriage work and help her be happy and she spent most of that time being unhappy expressed in various ways.
She does not express herself or say what she needs, but will act out to get her way. I have never seen her cry, but acting out is about being cold and angry. She hardly ever responds to me intimately or emotionally. She has become less transparent in her activities since I caught the affair. She refuses the idea of marriage counseling or therapy.
We get along and have fun together frequently when she is not in a bad mood ( ~40% of the time). We have the same sense of humor and enjoy activities together. However all of the issues with emotion and intimacy lead me to believe this part of relationship is just bull****--a facade.
It seems all the hard work I have done has not counted for much or at least she has been unable to make me feel that it has meant much to her. I now have regrets for trying as hard as I have and not getting clue earlier. The marriage just does not seem to mean all that much to her and I am unwilling to continue as it has been.
I explain this to her and told her I think divorce is the only answer for us because I don't see her changing or wanting to change. She thinks we are just swell and either does not believe I am serious or is unable to demonstrate that she does care about our marriage in any way beyond a smile and some words which is starting to take on a plastic quality in my imagination.
Thoughts? Anything else I can do here other than end it decisively? If I can save this I will. But that might be part of my problem. Though I am beyond being emotional about all this, I am a fixer and I am going nuts over not being able to fix this.
Oh, and yes, I have not been perfect in the marriage. I have never cheated but I am sure there are things I could have done differently. Thats not really point though. I say this only to show I am not completely self absorbed.
Thx
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