I was married 19 years, divorced in '05. 2 kids, house in 'burbs, 75k income, wife at home, etc...
First 5 years were good, last 14 were rotten. Sex died after 2nd kid, but I hear that's normal...Lucky we had a big house, I lived in the spare bonus room and used the kids bathroom. I'd say the worst and final argument was simply that she refused to return to work at her career after the kids were in school...I guess she changed her mind. We did discuss this prior to her becoming a stay at home mom 'cause she did teach for 3 years. I've also met quite a few guys that had the exact same experience, they basically said " If I wanted to stay married, I had to accept it.... Happy wife = happy life, etc..."
If I had to do it over again:
1. Be way more careful about how emotionally attached you get to the kids, and how much of an investment you want to make in being a father. It is an investment that you DO NOT legally have a right to....Period. As a man, you've always got to remember the woman has ultimate control of the kids, unless you are the stay-at-home Dad AND your wife has significant income...I hear that's pretty rare.
So if you get really attached to the kids, reality is she can walk away from the relationship almost any time, and get majority custody of the kids. That means your visitation depends upon her mood. She can just say they are sick or whatever excuse, and you won't get to see them. It is all under her control, and post divorce women don't want to cooperate for anything. The legal system won't help you at all, unless you've got huge $$ to spend, and even then minimal help. Conversely, she can get CS easily, and the legal system will hammer you immediately for any reason, or no reason.
2. Income inequality > Be extremely careful about doing anything that raises my income compared to hers. ESPECIALLY when she is staying home with the kids. Probably a better plan to LOWER my income when she was staying home. Higher income almost always comes with more time away from home, but conversely that does not buy you goodwill from the mom, in fact just the opposite. Be absolutely rigid on the time limits where she stays home with the kids, try and limit that time as much as possible. Even if going back to work for her means you both pay child care, in the long run its gold for me 'cause every second she stays home is time built up that MUST be repaid upon divorce ( And lets face it, the longer you stay married, the more likely you will divorce...The curve STARTS at 50% and gets WORSE with time...)
3. Don't marry at all, marriage serves no purpose except to trap a guy into a one-sided contract. Living together is far, far more equal, and much easier to avoid alimony. If you marry, insist on a prenup. Use the prenup requirement to screen out dating partners. ANY woman who is against prenup is a gold digger by definition since a prenup isn't even legally valid unless it's created with equal representation.
4. Take a good hard look at her family. You could learn a lot about your future wife that way.
5. Be very aware of her taste in material things. How does it stack up against her actual earning power and career goals ?
6. Investigate her finances. Many, many women have significant student loan debt that earned them a useless degree that will not translate into a lucrative career.
7. Try being passive about initiating sex, see what happens. Many, many women greatly desire a fiancé, engagement ring, wedding, reception party, and all those festivities. The fact that all that is so easy to get by just enjoying sex for a few years is a huge temptation.
I could go on, but you get the idea....
First 5 years were good, last 14 were rotten. Sex died after 2nd kid, but I hear that's normal...Lucky we had a big house, I lived in the spare bonus room and used the kids bathroom. I'd say the worst and final argument was simply that she refused to return to work at her career after the kids were in school...I guess she changed her mind. We did discuss this prior to her becoming a stay at home mom 'cause she did teach for 3 years. I've also met quite a few guys that had the exact same experience, they basically said " If I wanted to stay married, I had to accept it.... Happy wife = happy life, etc..."
If I had to do it over again:
1. Be way more careful about how emotionally attached you get to the kids, and how much of an investment you want to make in being a father. It is an investment that you DO NOT legally have a right to....Period. As a man, you've always got to remember the woman has ultimate control of the kids, unless you are the stay-at-home Dad AND your wife has significant income...I hear that's pretty rare.
So if you get really attached to the kids, reality is she can walk away from the relationship almost any time, and get majority custody of the kids. That means your visitation depends upon her mood. She can just say they are sick or whatever excuse, and you won't get to see them. It is all under her control, and post divorce women don't want to cooperate for anything. The legal system won't help you at all, unless you've got huge $$ to spend, and even then minimal help. Conversely, she can get CS easily, and the legal system will hammer you immediately for any reason, or no reason.
2. Income inequality > Be extremely careful about doing anything that raises my income compared to hers. ESPECIALLY when she is staying home with the kids. Probably a better plan to LOWER my income when she was staying home. Higher income almost always comes with more time away from home, but conversely that does not buy you goodwill from the mom, in fact just the opposite. Be absolutely rigid on the time limits where she stays home with the kids, try and limit that time as much as possible. Even if going back to work for her means you both pay child care, in the long run its gold for me 'cause every second she stays home is time built up that MUST be repaid upon divorce ( And lets face it, the longer you stay married, the more likely you will divorce...The curve STARTS at 50% and gets WORSE with time...)
3. Don't marry at all, marriage serves no purpose except to trap a guy into a one-sided contract. Living together is far, far more equal, and much easier to avoid alimony. If you marry, insist on a prenup. Use the prenup requirement to screen out dating partners. ANY woman who is against prenup is a gold digger by definition since a prenup isn't even legally valid unless it's created with equal representation.
4. Take a good hard look at her family. You could learn a lot about your future wife that way.
5. Be very aware of her taste in material things. How does it stack up against her actual earning power and career goals ?
6. Investigate her finances. Many, many women have significant student loan debt that earned them a useless degree that will not translate into a lucrative career.
7. Try being passive about initiating sex, see what happens. Many, many women greatly desire a fiancé, engagement ring, wedding, reception party, and all those festivities. The fact that all that is so easy to get by just enjoying sex for a few years is a huge temptation.
I could go on, but you get the idea....
Put the internet to work for you.
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