So, my relationship has been rocky since before my son was born. But we work through it, and sometimes go to counseling, and it ends up where there isn't much change, we just talk about the status quo so much (and get each others' hopes up that there WILL be change), that we don't get as angry with the status quo.
My husband feels like I don't give him enough time, we don't do enough dates, and we don't have sex enough.
I feel like I'm stuck doing all of the housework, cooking, finances, most of the child care, and still work 40 hours a week (he works 20). Our house is atrocious because I can't keep up, and the stress of it all makes me sick. Which in turn means I'm too tired or angry to give him the sex he wants. And lately, it isn't even sex. He just wants to get off, and feels like that is enough "connection" for us. Mutual masturbation or BJs. And when I keep saying I want actual sex, over and over again, he eventually says "that's all you ever want to do..." No, we just don't do it much any more, and I still want to. Granted, I've gained about 75 lbs since we met 5 years ago, so maybe he's not attracted to me anymore, even though he says that's not a problem at all. I also want romance. I want love notes. I want SOMETHING more than a cheap card on valentine's day that he bought on the way home from work.
Anyhoo. I'm getting to a point where I just feel like we are a lost cause. I was divorced once because it got to a point where I just wasn't in love anymore. I don't want this relationship to go down that road, especially since we have a child together, but it is going that way. We've done counseling, to no avail. Our counselor told my husband that couples counseling wouldn't help that much if HE didn't get help for some of his anger/negativity issues first...I put it on him to get that help, and that was over 6 months ago. He hasn't gone once. I've told him that I honestly don't believe he can change anymore. Until I see it, I won't believe it.
With all of that, I still love him. And until like 3 days ago, I WANTED to be all lovey and connected and stuff. I wanted him to want me. Then I found out that a friend of mine is single. I had a crush on him when I was 18 and we worked together, but nothing ever came of it. He was with the same woman for going on 12 years, and he just mentioned something about how he can't sleep since they split. I've been a casual friend since we worked together (facebook friends, sometimes emails, nothing major at all), and I've always admired him for his authenticity and honesty and general good-person-ness. Now, however, the instant I heard that he was single, my heart jumped. I felt that crush coming back. I daydream about holding him, dancing with him, kissing him, even undressing him (nothing more than that...I'm not that good at daydreaming). He is sweet, romantic, thoughtful, we have similar beliefs and attitudes toward life, and in my head he is perfect for me. Of course, he lives 11 hours away and has his own life and close friends and probably relationship prospects, so I doubt anything would ever happen (and I will probably be disappointed when he does start dating someone, lol). But ever since I started thinking about this guy, I've felt a distance between my husband and I that I haven't felt before. I felt it with my ex because I did almost cheat on him when I was absolutely miserable. But not with my current husband.
I don't know what to do. I can't make my husband understand that I can't live the way we do (constant mess/clutter, with me trying to work my butt off and him sitting on the couch playing games on his phone or computer). So often I feel like life would be SO much easier without him. But then we talk and have a good day and I can't imagine hurting him and being without him. Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me and leave, so it isn't my choice. But I doubt he would, because even if he is miserable, he wouldn't have anywhere to go or any way to pay for a place to live (I own the house, and his job is part time just over minimum wage). Why is this so hard?
My husband feels like I don't give him enough time, we don't do enough dates, and we don't have sex enough.
I feel like I'm stuck doing all of the housework, cooking, finances, most of the child care, and still work 40 hours a week (he works 20). Our house is atrocious because I can't keep up, and the stress of it all makes me sick. Which in turn means I'm too tired or angry to give him the sex he wants. And lately, it isn't even sex. He just wants to get off, and feels like that is enough "connection" for us. Mutual masturbation or BJs. And when I keep saying I want actual sex, over and over again, he eventually says "that's all you ever want to do..." No, we just don't do it much any more, and I still want to. Granted, I've gained about 75 lbs since we met 5 years ago, so maybe he's not attracted to me anymore, even though he says that's not a problem at all. I also want romance. I want love notes. I want SOMETHING more than a cheap card on valentine's day that he bought on the way home from work.
Anyhoo. I'm getting to a point where I just feel like we are a lost cause. I was divorced once because it got to a point where I just wasn't in love anymore. I don't want this relationship to go down that road, especially since we have a child together, but it is going that way. We've done counseling, to no avail. Our counselor told my husband that couples counseling wouldn't help that much if HE didn't get help for some of his anger/negativity issues first...I put it on him to get that help, and that was over 6 months ago. He hasn't gone once. I've told him that I honestly don't believe he can change anymore. Until I see it, I won't believe it.
With all of that, I still love him. And until like 3 days ago, I WANTED to be all lovey and connected and stuff. I wanted him to want me. Then I found out that a friend of mine is single. I had a crush on him when I was 18 and we worked together, but nothing ever came of it. He was with the same woman for going on 12 years, and he just mentioned something about how he can't sleep since they split. I've been a casual friend since we worked together (facebook friends, sometimes emails, nothing major at all), and I've always admired him for his authenticity and honesty and general good-person-ness. Now, however, the instant I heard that he was single, my heart jumped. I felt that crush coming back. I daydream about holding him, dancing with him, kissing him, even undressing him (nothing more than that...I'm not that good at daydreaming). He is sweet, romantic, thoughtful, we have similar beliefs and attitudes toward life, and in my head he is perfect for me. Of course, he lives 11 hours away and has his own life and close friends and probably relationship prospects, so I doubt anything would ever happen (and I will probably be disappointed when he does start dating someone, lol). But ever since I started thinking about this guy, I've felt a distance between my husband and I that I haven't felt before. I felt it with my ex because I did almost cheat on him when I was absolutely miserable. But not with my current husband.
I don't know what to do. I can't make my husband understand that I can't live the way we do (constant mess/clutter, with me trying to work my butt off and him sitting on the couch playing games on his phone or computer). So often I feel like life would be SO much easier without him. But then we talk and have a good day and I can't imagine hurting him and being without him. Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me and leave, so it isn't my choice. But I doubt he would, because even if he is miserable, he wouldn't have anywhere to go or any way to pay for a place to live (I own the house, and his job is part time just over minimum wage). Why is this so hard?
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