I am six days in. These are the lumpy chunks of emotional vomit I simply have to spit somewhere. My thoughts are as disjointed as my life in this moment. Sorry about that. I have no friends to talk to. I have spent the last eight years enveloped by my wife, my kids (2 and 6), and my work... which is mostly solitary work. I don't know where to begin... time is not exactly linear at the moment. It is quite still, and I am wandering through it randomly... looking for root cause, broken routines, errant results, and solutions. That is what I do. I develop improbable solutions to insoluble problems. It is all I know anymore. So this is how it goes.
I will begin with root problems. I have been spending pride on credit for years. I earned a lot of money a decade ago. After the dot com bubble burst, I never quite got back into the cutting edge markets I worked. I got caught up working for myself, doing niche automation work, and sort of waiting for offers. Then I met a girl. I asked that girl to marry me. Then that girl was killed. I did not handle it well. I sort of fell apart. I went down to see my folks... because I was not handling that well. They were restoring some farm houses... so I stayed on the farm, and worked with my hands for the first time in a very long time. I labored every day, and allowed the train of grief, which carries its own schedule through the fog, to move at its cruel pace. About a year later I made a friend, quite by accident. We became very close. About a year later, I met his sister. About a year later I was on my knee beneath a 200 year old oak in the rolling hills of a hay field which undulat ed like a stadium cheering for our joy. She was so wonderful. So beautiful, so down to earth... pragmatic and unassuming. A far cry from the materialists I had crushed on in the cities around the world I had worked. I loved this woman and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
I don't think this is helpful to my tale... I am rambling... and self mutilating with these snapshots of time.
Work... right. So... as you may have intimated, I am a geek. There were no tech jobs in the rural area we lived in, so I created a company. While it was not glamorous as geek things go, it was steady income. I mismanaged it terrifically through the economic collapse... and about 3 years ago, I had to close the doors. In the years of despair and bliss, I became out of practice in the leading edge technologies I had been highly valued for, which were now outdated. I resigned myself to a path of learning again, so that I could do for my family what they deserved, rather than the bare necessities they were accustomed to. I wanted the money to buy my wife things she didn't want, and go places she wasn't particularly interested in seeing... to broaden her horizons I guess... but more fundamentally, to remove the number one marriage killer. Stress over money. I needed to be ahead of the curve again. In the surrounding areas, this meant big data. Cloud technology... Hypervisor, OpenS tack. This is the domain of UNIX/Linux. So I learned the operating systems and distributions core outward. I learned dozens of new languages... I learned complex methodologies and concepts detailing would lose anyone still reading. I did this to my own peril. I maintained some monthly contracts, where I go to two or three places, work for a couple of hours, and make what my wife does at 50 hours a week as a waitress. I am the primary caretaker of our children. I take care of them, and I code. When the house goes to sleep, I code. I sleep 3-5 hours a day, on the couch. I would apply to positions here and there that were within driving distance. As this failed to find traction I broadened my searches to areas we would have to move to. Upon getting an offer, my wife refused to go... instead suggesting I go for a year, and they would follow me if it all worked out. I should stop here.
These are the root problems I now see:
We did not communicate effectively about the situation. There were sporadic fights, where she would say she would be happy if I would just go get ANY job... and I would look at her rather bewildered. Making an extra 17k for three years was foolish I thought, when the positions I am going for are 6 figures. Someone who is not a moron would realize that she felt taken advantage of, working her ass off at an often demeaning job... while I sit at home doing what she viewed as "tinkering" with things that interested me. To her... despite my explanations, this was no different than me sitting home playing video games, enjoying raising our kids while she toiled. I like to consider myself a smart guy... how I missed this is... I do not have an answer.
I destroyed her respect of me, in that I would let my wife do the drudgery for what she sees as a pipe dream... while I code up to 20 hours a day for free, for open source projects. I should have been doing the hard work. She has never seen money like what I am able to make. She doesn't believe in it. Nor does she believe in me by proxy. All she has seen me do is fail at running a business. That isn't what I do. I forget to send checks. I forget to send invoices. I rarely know what day it is. I am the worst bookkeeper on earth. I fix problems. I develop and implement solutions.
Unappreciated, tired, often broke. Stuck with a person she did not respect, much less love. I did that. I own that. I was so focused on the goal, I lost sight of the prize. It was easy for someone to make her feel special. It was easy to make her feel appreciated. A new shiny thing without the horrible flaws nobody knows like a wife. I took devotion on faith, and did not try hard enough. I did not work hard enough on the time frame. If I was rejected for a position because of a weakness, I obsessed on it, and learned it inside and out so that nobody would ever impede my path with that excuse. My self-esteem was slipping. My borrowed pride sent collectors. My hole was deepening. And about three months ago, everything started to spiral.
So I doubled down. I began applying to anything and everything, near and very not near. It was way too late. She filled me with false hope, saying the family would move with me. It was just a reason to get me out on the off chance someone hired me. I have been interviewing for the last month... but with no solid offer. Then Friday happened.
I love. I guess I always liked to think I am quite good at it. It is whole. There are no gaps to be filled with other things. Devotion is a word. Words have meaning. I am devoted to that which I love. My children drowned me in my love. They are stones in the ocean of my love, which is deeper than I ever imagined, and my imagination was wild. I love their flawless imperfections, and in contrast their perfections leave me stunned. I love my wife in much the same way. I am, however, very situationally unaware... except with regard to the well-being of my kids. They joyfully eat heaps of time I should be coding... learning. You see... once you get to a certain level, if you can program, you can program in anything. Once you understand the principals of a type of language, it is all syntax. Like English. Because someone knows what the words mean, does not mean they can effectively use them. My value is not that I know dozens of languages, but how I program... how I problem solve.< br />
Situational unawareness... I looked at the wrong day, of the wrong week of the calendar at my wifes schedule... wondering where she was. I called her work to see when she left, which was a few hours ago. She was not answering her phone. She eventually called me back from what I will assume was a bathroom based on the acoustics and complete silence. She sounded rushed, as if I were interrupting her. She pretended she was at work. Full stop. She then said she was at a couples house we were friends with years ago. I said have fun.
When she returned... I did not speak to her... I just sat there in my daze. The next day, she began with continuing her ruse. I said that the indignity was enough without also suggesting I am stupid. She says it began that week. She has known him a while and that week she submitted. Every kernel of this was brought out from behind a lie as I dismantled it. I stopped seeking details. I packed my things, and put them in the SUV, penniless, homeless, and quite friendless... and began driving. I went to pick up some checks I was owed, but of course the banks were closed on Saturday after noon. It was cold. My best options were in a city where I had lots of opportunities. Homeless shelter? Sleep in the truck? **** it was cold. Who would watch the kids tomorrow? She was not ready for this. The plan was well developed, but at least three weeks to a month away... arranging for childcare etc. Seems a lot of it would be relying on my parents to watch the kids so she could go out with h er new guy.
I will fast forward past the sobbing, thoughts of suicide, and begging. Suffice it to say I am stripped of self. I have no pride left. I am humiliated, dehumanized, utterly devoid of any self-interest.
I returned home. She was at work. She did not come home, my folks had the kids. She coordinated to arrive home just ahead of the kids to avoid talking to me. Brave face for the kids time. She goes to work. She does not return home. This repeats for two more nights. Four days without eating now, four nights without sleep... it is in this time, when the world turns purple, that I find my best, and worst solutions.
Every path forward is tested against one simple question. "Is this what is in the best interest of my children"? The ideal scenario is my children's parents raising them together. It isn't about me, my wants, my needs. It isn't about her, it isn't about him. They are all that matter. I will meet any challenge for my kids. I will suffer any pain, any humiliation, any tribulation for my children. Ultimately I find only one solution. All it requires is a radical change of perspective.
My wife, is not my wife. She is a girl I want to be with more than I have ever wanted, or needed anything... she just has a boyfriend. I can fix that. I am in competition for a girl I love... I am quite good at that. For all my flaws, I am very very good at that. I run best from the back of the pack. He is new and shiny... that will fade. I never needed an advantage to win, just a shot. I raced superbikes for a time... there is a psychology to competition I understand. He is classless to be in this situation, and bring HER around HIS kids... that is what I am up against. Someone willing to break up a family for selfish desire, and bring a waitress home to his kids he knows only from limited interaction. I dunno what he looks like, but I am fair enough looking that it shouldn't be that big a deal. I am out of shape... but not fat... I just spend most of my time typing. I can get in shape. She has not seen my work ethic or dedication, which rivals my devotion to that which I lo ve, because it is an extension of it. She does not respect me, so I will earn her respect. She does not believe in me so I will show her, not tell her, what the future holds. I will win. I will solve. What is best for my children is ME raising them. Me programming them... and we together have done a smash up job thus far.
This sounds pathetic I am sure. It sounds untenable... unsustainable. If it sounds this way to you, then I suggest you do not understand my dedication to my children... or the world of benefits from this path. Taking better care of myself, is a win. Treating their mother with the love of a crush is the most stable think they can witness in the situation, and a win. Daddy is moving out in a few days. I am picking up two jobs tomorrow. I don't care what they are. The more demeaning the better. She needs to see me putting in work. She needs to see dedication she can understand. Something more tangible than the world I work in that she does not understand. I am not taking a job 5 hours away. I will continue to look up to 2 hours away, so I can stay close. I am encouraging her relationship. Any time I can make myself available to watch the kids so she can explore her new relationship, I am happy to do so. It will probably take about a year to do this right. Now... to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I will do with her once I win her love back... which I am sure the skeptical doubt. I again suggest you do not understand my dedication to task, or skill set. Plucking a woman I crush on from someone so weak, is in my wheelhouse. I will facilitate her new relationship, and disappear from her environment. The LAST thing she wants right now is to spend another minute she doesn't have to looking at my face.
I have told her my plan. I asked her to leave just a window open to prove what I have said all along... I asked only one thing. That she not accept any offers of engagement for one year. That is enough time to work. That is enough time to demonstrate. That is enough time to bathe her in accepting love, the likes of which she has never known. It will be fraught with peril. It will be difficult to keep this pain bottled and redirect that energy. It will be hard not to slip. It will be hard to comfort her in her guilt when that does take root. It will be difficult to let her bleed on me, her most trusted friend, about the problems of her relationship. It will be difficult for me to give her good advice on how to perhaps fix it... but I am the only one who can, because I am the only one who truly knows her... who has deconstructed her, and seen her inner workings.
She will find shame... and that is not conducive to my goal... so I will have to figure out a way to adjust that bit of programming. There are 16 years ahead where our stability will be vital. So many critical stages of development. I will suffer this. It will not manifest... because... it isn't about me. I am just the developer.
I will begin with root problems. I have been spending pride on credit for years. I earned a lot of money a decade ago. After the dot com bubble burst, I never quite got back into the cutting edge markets I worked. I got caught up working for myself, doing niche automation work, and sort of waiting for offers. Then I met a girl. I asked that girl to marry me. Then that girl was killed. I did not handle it well. I sort of fell apart. I went down to see my folks... because I was not handling that well. They were restoring some farm houses... so I stayed on the farm, and worked with my hands for the first time in a very long time. I labored every day, and allowed the train of grief, which carries its own schedule through the fog, to move at its cruel pace. About a year later I made a friend, quite by accident. We became very close. About a year later, I met his sister. About a year later I was on my knee beneath a 200 year old oak in the rolling hills of a hay field which undulat ed like a stadium cheering for our joy. She was so wonderful. So beautiful, so down to earth... pragmatic and unassuming. A far cry from the materialists I had crushed on in the cities around the world I had worked. I loved this woman and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
I don't think this is helpful to my tale... I am rambling... and self mutilating with these snapshots of time.
Work... right. So... as you may have intimated, I am a geek. There were no tech jobs in the rural area we lived in, so I created a company. While it was not glamorous as geek things go, it was steady income. I mismanaged it terrifically through the economic collapse... and about 3 years ago, I had to close the doors. In the years of despair and bliss, I became out of practice in the leading edge technologies I had been highly valued for, which were now outdated. I resigned myself to a path of learning again, so that I could do for my family what they deserved, rather than the bare necessities they were accustomed to. I wanted the money to buy my wife things she didn't want, and go places she wasn't particularly interested in seeing... to broaden her horizons I guess... but more fundamentally, to remove the number one marriage killer. Stress over money. I needed to be ahead of the curve again. In the surrounding areas, this meant big data. Cloud technology... Hypervisor, OpenS tack. This is the domain of UNIX/Linux. So I learned the operating systems and distributions core outward. I learned dozens of new languages... I learned complex methodologies and concepts detailing would lose anyone still reading. I did this to my own peril. I maintained some monthly contracts, where I go to two or three places, work for a couple of hours, and make what my wife does at 50 hours a week as a waitress. I am the primary caretaker of our children. I take care of them, and I code. When the house goes to sleep, I code. I sleep 3-5 hours a day, on the couch. I would apply to positions here and there that were within driving distance. As this failed to find traction I broadened my searches to areas we would have to move to. Upon getting an offer, my wife refused to go... instead suggesting I go for a year, and they would follow me if it all worked out. I should stop here.
These are the root problems I now see:
We did not communicate effectively about the situation. There were sporadic fights, where she would say she would be happy if I would just go get ANY job... and I would look at her rather bewildered. Making an extra 17k for three years was foolish I thought, when the positions I am going for are 6 figures. Someone who is not a moron would realize that she felt taken advantage of, working her ass off at an often demeaning job... while I sit at home doing what she viewed as "tinkering" with things that interested me. To her... despite my explanations, this was no different than me sitting home playing video games, enjoying raising our kids while she toiled. I like to consider myself a smart guy... how I missed this is... I do not have an answer.
I destroyed her respect of me, in that I would let my wife do the drudgery for what she sees as a pipe dream... while I code up to 20 hours a day for free, for open source projects. I should have been doing the hard work. She has never seen money like what I am able to make. She doesn't believe in it. Nor does she believe in me by proxy. All she has seen me do is fail at running a business. That isn't what I do. I forget to send checks. I forget to send invoices. I rarely know what day it is. I am the worst bookkeeper on earth. I fix problems. I develop and implement solutions.
Unappreciated, tired, often broke. Stuck with a person she did not respect, much less love. I did that. I own that. I was so focused on the goal, I lost sight of the prize. It was easy for someone to make her feel special. It was easy to make her feel appreciated. A new shiny thing without the horrible flaws nobody knows like a wife. I took devotion on faith, and did not try hard enough. I did not work hard enough on the time frame. If I was rejected for a position because of a weakness, I obsessed on it, and learned it inside and out so that nobody would ever impede my path with that excuse. My self-esteem was slipping. My borrowed pride sent collectors. My hole was deepening. And about three months ago, everything started to spiral.
So I doubled down. I began applying to anything and everything, near and very not near. It was way too late. She filled me with false hope, saying the family would move with me. It was just a reason to get me out on the off chance someone hired me. I have been interviewing for the last month... but with no solid offer. Then Friday happened.
I love. I guess I always liked to think I am quite good at it. It is whole. There are no gaps to be filled with other things. Devotion is a word. Words have meaning. I am devoted to that which I love. My children drowned me in my love. They are stones in the ocean of my love, which is deeper than I ever imagined, and my imagination was wild. I love their flawless imperfections, and in contrast their perfections leave me stunned. I love my wife in much the same way. I am, however, very situationally unaware... except with regard to the well-being of my kids. They joyfully eat heaps of time I should be coding... learning. You see... once you get to a certain level, if you can program, you can program in anything. Once you understand the principals of a type of language, it is all syntax. Like English. Because someone knows what the words mean, does not mean they can effectively use them. My value is not that I know dozens of languages, but how I program... how I problem solve.< br />
Situational unawareness... I looked at the wrong day, of the wrong week of the calendar at my wifes schedule... wondering where she was. I called her work to see when she left, which was a few hours ago. She was not answering her phone. She eventually called me back from what I will assume was a bathroom based on the acoustics and complete silence. She sounded rushed, as if I were interrupting her. She pretended she was at work. Full stop. She then said she was at a couples house we were friends with years ago. I said have fun.
When she returned... I did not speak to her... I just sat there in my daze. The next day, she began with continuing her ruse. I said that the indignity was enough without also suggesting I am stupid. She says it began that week. She has known him a while and that week she submitted. Every kernel of this was brought out from behind a lie as I dismantled it. I stopped seeking details. I packed my things, and put them in the SUV, penniless, homeless, and quite friendless... and began driving. I went to pick up some checks I was owed, but of course the banks were closed on Saturday after noon. It was cold. My best options were in a city where I had lots of opportunities. Homeless shelter? Sleep in the truck? **** it was cold. Who would watch the kids tomorrow? She was not ready for this. The plan was well developed, but at least three weeks to a month away... arranging for childcare etc. Seems a lot of it would be relying on my parents to watch the kids so she could go out with h er new guy.
I will fast forward past the sobbing, thoughts of suicide, and begging. Suffice it to say I am stripped of self. I have no pride left. I am humiliated, dehumanized, utterly devoid of any self-interest.
I returned home. She was at work. She did not come home, my folks had the kids. She coordinated to arrive home just ahead of the kids to avoid talking to me. Brave face for the kids time. She goes to work. She does not return home. This repeats for two more nights. Four days without eating now, four nights without sleep... it is in this time, when the world turns purple, that I find my best, and worst solutions.
Every path forward is tested against one simple question. "Is this what is in the best interest of my children"? The ideal scenario is my children's parents raising them together. It isn't about me, my wants, my needs. It isn't about her, it isn't about him. They are all that matter. I will meet any challenge for my kids. I will suffer any pain, any humiliation, any tribulation for my children. Ultimately I find only one solution. All it requires is a radical change of perspective.
My wife, is not my wife. She is a girl I want to be with more than I have ever wanted, or needed anything... she just has a boyfriend. I can fix that. I am in competition for a girl I love... I am quite good at that. For all my flaws, I am very very good at that. I run best from the back of the pack. He is new and shiny... that will fade. I never needed an advantage to win, just a shot. I raced superbikes for a time... there is a psychology to competition I understand. He is classless to be in this situation, and bring HER around HIS kids... that is what I am up against. Someone willing to break up a family for selfish desire, and bring a waitress home to his kids he knows only from limited interaction. I dunno what he looks like, but I am fair enough looking that it shouldn't be that big a deal. I am out of shape... but not fat... I just spend most of my time typing. I can get in shape. She has not seen my work ethic or dedication, which rivals my devotion to that which I lo ve, because it is an extension of it. She does not respect me, so I will earn her respect. She does not believe in me so I will show her, not tell her, what the future holds. I will win. I will solve. What is best for my children is ME raising them. Me programming them... and we together have done a smash up job thus far.
This sounds pathetic I am sure. It sounds untenable... unsustainable. If it sounds this way to you, then I suggest you do not understand my dedication to my children... or the world of benefits from this path. Taking better care of myself, is a win. Treating their mother with the love of a crush is the most stable think they can witness in the situation, and a win. Daddy is moving out in a few days. I am picking up two jobs tomorrow. I don't care what they are. The more demeaning the better. She needs to see me putting in work. She needs to see dedication she can understand. Something more tangible than the world I work in that she does not understand. I am not taking a job 5 hours away. I will continue to look up to 2 hours away, so I can stay close. I am encouraging her relationship. Any time I can make myself available to watch the kids so she can explore her new relationship, I am happy to do so. It will probably take about a year to do this right. Now... to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I will do with her once I win her love back... which I am sure the skeptical doubt. I again suggest you do not understand my dedication to task, or skill set. Plucking a woman I crush on from someone so weak, is in my wheelhouse. I will facilitate her new relationship, and disappear from her environment. The LAST thing she wants right now is to spend another minute she doesn't have to looking at my face.
I have told her my plan. I asked her to leave just a window open to prove what I have said all along... I asked only one thing. That she not accept any offers of engagement for one year. That is enough time to work. That is enough time to demonstrate. That is enough time to bathe her in accepting love, the likes of which she has never known. It will be fraught with peril. It will be difficult to keep this pain bottled and redirect that energy. It will be hard not to slip. It will be hard to comfort her in her guilt when that does take root. It will be difficult to let her bleed on me, her most trusted friend, about the problems of her relationship. It will be difficult for me to give her good advice on how to perhaps fix it... but I am the only one who can, because I am the only one who truly knows her... who has deconstructed her, and seen her inner workings.
She will find shame... and that is not conducive to my goal... so I will have to figure out a way to adjust that bit of programming. There are 16 years ahead where our stability will be vital. So many critical stages of development. I will suffer this. It will not manifest... because... it isn't about me. I am just the developer.
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