I don't want to be LD anymore. In the beginning of our marriage we were both HD and he was the more experienced partner. Vanilla sex was good with me but he wanted more. As we started experimenting and enjoying ourselves I felt embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed because I enjoyed these acts. He might bring up our activities the next day reminding me or teasing me about it and it made me feel bad about myself and like he's rubbing it in my face. I know that's my hang up and not his; I guess you could say I am a prude when it comes to sex. I did let him know how it made me feel but it still continued. I felt like he was intentionally trying to embarrass and humiliate me which made me angry and I started to 'punish' him by rejecting him and withdrawing. I tried to make myself less desirable to him as well, but I didn't realize it until recently. I rarely wore makeup, put my hair in a pony tail and gained weight. We were still having sex 1-2 times a week and I was doing it out of duty rather than desire. Sex became a chore and I could have cared less if I ever had sex again. He retaliated by not taking the time to fulfill my needs, so in turn his needs weren't important to me. As life continued and our family grew he was the low man on the totem pole. This went on for way too many years and I'm sad that I did this to my husband and to our relationship but I didn't know how to change it.
About a year and a half ago I stumbled across an article that said you should put your husband's needs first instead of your kids, the kids will be ok. The article continued to say when you take care of his needs he will take care of yours. I started putting him first. I couldn't believe the changes in him. He became much more affectionate and attentive towards me and my sex drive was getting better and I started losing weight. Here is where my problem is, he still doesn't really listen to me about sex. He still likes to tease me about my enjoyment which he knows bothers me. I am seeing my old feelings creep up like anger, resentment and wanting to withholding sex. That was a vicious, unhealthy cycle and I don't want to get on that merry go round again. I'm certain the many years of me rejecting him play a part of him not listening to me. He hears what I'm saying but it isn't registering. I withheld affection from him for so long that when we are intimate I think he's afraid I'll take it away, like taking candy from a baby. I think he is hearing it as an excuse not to have sex, like I have a 'headache'? I don't think his doing it on purpose but all the years of crappy sex has made him numb?
About a year and a half ago I stumbled across an article that said you should put your husband's needs first instead of your kids, the kids will be ok. The article continued to say when you take care of his needs he will take care of yours. I started putting him first. I couldn't believe the changes in him. He became much more affectionate and attentive towards me and my sex drive was getting better and I started losing weight. Here is where my problem is, he still doesn't really listen to me about sex. He still likes to tease me about my enjoyment which he knows bothers me. I am seeing my old feelings creep up like anger, resentment and wanting to withholding sex. That was a vicious, unhealthy cycle and I don't want to get on that merry go round again. I'm certain the many years of me rejecting him play a part of him not listening to me. He hears what I'm saying but it isn't registering. I withheld affection from him for so long that when we are intimate I think he's afraid I'll take it away, like taking candy from a baby. I think he is hearing it as an excuse not to have sex, like I have a 'headache'? I don't think his doing it on purpose but all the years of crappy sex has made him numb?
Put the internet to work for you.
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